Friday, June 04, 2004

Here's the Post that Gets me Fired
Why? 2 posts in one day! Shocking!


Okay, I got a new co-worker who turns out to be real cool. Another male in my estrogen-filled work-place to bullshit with. We got this vending machine that is kinda like the official slot-machine to those of us in the know. Sometimes if you select a "Coca Cola Classic" then you can sometimes get 2 for $.65. Today this one cat even got three which is like gettin 777 or BARBARBAR in Vegas or some Riverboat casino. I can tell you that today was not my day to gamble as I got one coke for my coinage. But two other dudes scored at least a 6 pack today trying their luck, so there is hope yet.

Anyhoo, my co-worker stops by with an extra coke like 'you want this?" So I'm like "jeeeeeaaaahhhhh boyeeeee" like Flava Flav and proceed to dance around my office/cubicle flailing my limbs spastically. And I'm drinking my modern cocaine, rubbing it inside my eye-lids and thanking him for his generosity when he's like:
"Well, at first I tried to give it to the ladies ( a small nest of offices down the hall) but they didn't want it. In fact one of them was like "No way, that stuff is poison" (to which my co-worker noted that she was clutchin a cup of Starbucks as she said so)...then someone suggested me as I am a well-known coca-nut addict. I accepted the coke graciously as we cola-nut fiends are known to do.

But this "that's poison" comment got my caffeine-soaked noggin thinkin'about that sort of mind-frame. Now, considering, from what I know, that the speaker of this comment is a vegan, I understand the sentiment, and actually, I would say that a few years ago I may have been swayed to agree and munch happily on my twigs or whatever the fuck vegans do (I flirted with such socially-aware behavior in college much to the chagrin of my roommates)and think about how awesome I was for not letting the man poison me with chemiKILLs.

But here's the thing:
If you are alive today you need to abandon all hope of living a Healthy Lifestyle.


Listen motherfuckahs, the generations before have sold our ass down the river for a quick buck through capitalism. Shit, I don't have to have scientific arguments to convince people that this world is fucked. We got mercury in the fish, nasty chemicals in the air we breathe...shit, my sperm glows in the dark. What more evidence do you need?

But seriously, I have flirted with this concept of ubermensch thought through organic eating and no animals,but I came to the conclusion (because I have a huge chemically-altered brain...the only advantage of living on this toxic planet)that that sort of behavior is an exercise in futility. I wonder how many vegan, straight-edge kids ever got hit by a bus? A bunch I bet. Know why? It doesn't fucking matter what you eat or don't eat or don't smoke or whatever, your ass is still gonna die. Plus, I can't understand why, if you look around and see all this nastiness in your food that you would think "well this world is fucked, but if I make a few decisions in my lifestyle I can live a longer life than the rest of these ignorant sheep gorging themselves on steroid-enhanced meat, so that I can be one of the few who actually gets to greet nuclear winter." Well congratulations ya'll. If us humans are ruining the planet why the fuck would you want to live after all these other mutherfuckers? You gonna clean up the planet and turn it into an organic garden?

Shit. I'm down with being healthy, but to a certain extent you must understand that your health is not fully in your control. So if yer a vegan keep it up, but don't be makin' no snobby comments to people like me who like to get a buzz from the cola-nut.
Shout out to the IBO (Chinua Achebe fans know what's up)!!!!I got yer nuts right here!
I'm gonna go stalk and kill a cow or something now and drink it's warm blood as I eat a handful of pesticide-enhanced grass/cud from it's 2nd stomach. Fuck Lo-Carbs and everything else. RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Also, in other news, I've been struggling with the nicotine habit. I'm losing frankly.
I feel like Bill Hicks or something because as he once said:
"Now every cigarette I see looks like it was created by God, rolled by Jesus, and moistened by the pussy of Claudia Schiffer." I agree. Wish me luck.
End of Rant.
*BAMF*

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