Wednesday, September 01, 2004

An Appeal to a Higher Power:

Lord, if yer up there, today would be the perfect opportunity to sink New York into the Atlantic.

That's right everybody, the Republican National Convention is going on strong in New York and yet the Supreme Deity has not wiped Madison Square Garden off of the face of this earth. No wonder I alternate between believing in a God and worshipping a sock-puppet that I have made of my own accord (you see, if I'm going to be worshipping something, at least I know that I made the shit up...the sentiment is the same, but with no illusions). But, one good thing about the RNC is that the village voice has given a stripper a blog to comment on the events. Enjoy.
I didn't get to see it because I blinded myself on purpose, but apparently those Bush twins are quite the comedians. Here's an excerpt from their "speech" introducing W:
JENNA BUSH: It's great to be here. We love Arnold. Isn't he awesome? Thanks to him, if one of us ever decides to marry a Democrat, nobody can complain, except maybe our grandmother, Barbara. And if she doesn't like it, we would definitely hear about it. We already know she doesn't like some of our clothes, our music, or most of the TV shows we watch. Gammie, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex and the City" is something married people do, but never talk about. We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes, we did a little better job than others. We kept trying to explain to my dad that when we are young and irresponsible, well, we're young and irresponsible.
BARBARA BUSH: Jenna and I are really not very political, but we love our dad too much to stand back and watch from the sidelines. We realized that this would be his last campaign, and we wanted to be a part of it. Besides, since we've graduated from college, we're looking around for something to do for the next few years. Kind of like dad.
JENNA: Our parents have always encouraged us to be independent and dream big. We've spent a lot of time at the White House, so when we showed up the first day, we thought we had it all figured out. But apparently my dad already has a chief of staff, named Andy.
BARBARA: When your dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. I knew I wasn't quite ready to be president, but number two sounded pretty good. Who is this man they call Dick Cheney?
JENNA: I think I know a lot about campaigns. After all, my grandfather and my dad have both run for president, so I put myself in charge of strategy. Then I got an angry call from some guy named Karl.
BARBARA: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world; we've studied abroad. But when we started coming home with foreign policy advise, dad made us call Condi.
JENNA: Not to be deterred, we thought surely there's a place for strong willed, opinionated women in communications. And next thing we know, Karen's back.
BARBARA: So we decided the best thing we could do here tonight would be to introduce somebody we know and love.
JENNA: You know all those times when you're growing up and your parents embarrass you? Well, this is payback time on live TV.
BARBARA: Take this. I know it's hard to believe, but our parents' favorite term of endearment for each other is actually Bushy. And we had a hamster, too. Let's just say ours didn't make it. JENNA: But, contrary to what you might read in the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool. They do know the difference between mono and Bono. When we tell them we're going to see Outkast, they know it's a band and not a bunch of misfits. And if we really beg them, they'll even shake it like a Polaroid picture.
(Found at blah3 who found it a DailyKos) (italics mine)
Excuse me while I jam a Q-Tip against and hopefully through my ear-drum. Sweet-death, send me your loving embrace. Ok, now I know these brain-dead booze hound ho's didn't write their own speech, but did they at least READ that tripe before saying it? Jesus. I mean, that's some shitty comedy. Would the average RNC attendee know what the hell they were talking about? Did the twins? OUTKAST is not a FUCKING BAND! And the mental image of the two Bush's shaking like a Polaroid picture? Christ! The only time I want to see George W. Bush shaking is when he eats another pretzel and can't breathe. I want to vomit blood. HWARRRCH!

t r u t h o u t Republican Convention Coverage By William Rivers Pitt
Wednesday 01 September 2004 1:10PM
OK, now I get it. Cheney just came roaring by in a massive caravan that dove inside Pier 60. A bunch of regular New Yorkers standing on the street here gave him the finger as he went
by. I love it (italics mine).

My pops told me about this story last night. Read on and disbelieve.
I need some new eyeballs after tearing mine out. Where to find some new eyes? (via boingboing)
Spotted via Cursor is this:
This bit from the president's interview with Rush Limbaugh is such a cavalcade of nonsense that I sincerely hope transcription errors are to blame:
I think so. On the other hand, we're making great progress. Today at the Legion I said, "We're winning the war on terror, and we will win the war on terror." There's no doubt in my mind, so long as this country stays resolved and strong and determined, and by winning, I just would remind your listeners that Pakistan is now an ally in the war on terror. Saudi now takes Al-Qaeda seriously, and they're after the leadership. Libya is no longer got weapons of mass destruction. Afghanistan, I don't know if you've discussed this on your program, but there are over ten million people who have registered to vote in Afghanistan, which is a phenomenal statistic when you think about it. And then of course Iraq is now heading toward elections as well, and we're making progress.Here's the thing. While it's quite true that over 10 million Afghans have registered to vote (10.35 million, to be exact), there are only 9.8 million eligible voters in the country. What we're seeing isn't an unprecedented outpouring of democratic enthusiasm, it's massive fraud. Registration cards are selling for as much as $100 a pop. The government, meanwhile, has no effective authority over anything. And how come Saudi Arabia is after the al-Qaeda leadership? Shouldn't that be Pakistan's job, since al-Qaeda's leadership is, you know, in Pakistan and stuff? And Libya never had weapons of mass destruction, it had weapons programs. (I know, I know, "what's the difference?") And this was, to repeat, an interview with Rush Limbaugh -- what would happen if the president faced some actually tough questioning?
--Matthew Yglesias
Sounds pretty familiar to the way I understand "democracy" working in these times...
But don't worry, we will save you from those terrorists! (again, via Cursor)
And now for something completely different:
Ok, I was stuck with a 9 year old in a car last Sunday for a work-related activity and I was fortunate enough to hear Disney Radio (which apparently this kid loves...oh the horror the horror) and the latest from like Ashlee Simpson or whatever. Anyway, as I'm looking out the window thinking about how I would enjoy dismembering either Simpson with a rusty spoon, I suddenly realize that the song has changed and I am listening to the latest Black Eyed Peas song called "Let's Get it Started" which was originally released as "Let's Get Retarded" ( I don't know how I know this but it's true). Now if you have NOT heard this song, pat yourself on the back. But what I want to know is why the group would change such a fitting title of their single? I suspect that retarded people complained that they didn't want to be associated with such talentless fucks, I mean, at least retards have the Special Olympics. BEP has what, some chick from the Mickey Mouse club shakin' her booty? Lord. If they ever invent time-travelling I promise to do everything I can to steal the contraption and travel back in time to kill off the Mickey Mouse club circa 1980's-90's. No more pop singers! Huzzah!
And I was going to link to Dong Resin as I think that cat is hilarious, but now that he's written a book he's pullin' some really un-funny shit with his links. I will never buy that book now. I may have in the past (he is pretty damn funny) but after this shit? Never.
And go show bol some love over at the b dot c even though he don't link to me anymore (not that I blame him either...). He apparently is getting sued.
I'm out. Until then...

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