Thursday, October 21, 2004

Creepy Picture Day

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It's like something out of a Bond movie..."gentlemen, I introduce you to...no-hands!"

Yeah, so this guy is Jay J Armes, some famous wealthy private investigator (unlike my hard-drinking, Micky Spillane-readin', failure as a P.I. father) who apparently saved Marlon Brando's son from kidnappers or something. He lost his hands as a kid and learned to, um, crush the larynx of those that cross his path or something. Either way, he's down with the president, no doubt, because he has an action figure of himself just like GwB. (link spotted at boing-boing via Warren Ellis' blog). He is the November suprise. When GwB utters the secret word he will stop at nothing to crush the voice-box of John Kerry with his cold metal hooks. Just you watch...

Anything is now possible since the Red Sox won last night. I'll be attempting to woo all those ladies with boyfriends that have been shuttin' me down as of late. Inspired by the tenacity of the Red Sox, I predict that my beguiling charms will lead to infidelity and pornographic memories. I can't wait.

And if that doesn't work I can always pretend to be a Republican and solicit sex from someone at one of these websites mentioned in this article (you might need a Salon day-pass to read the full article...do it...it's worth the effort). As long as none of these sirens look like Ann Coulter then I think I'll be fine. Good lord is she nasty. I hope that she googles her name and starts some beef (but I think that's probably expecting too much). Either way, I am prepared to insult her profusely but I will not (no matter how much she begs) sleep with her. Sorry ya'll.


Switching gears here a bit...
My boy ODBeck is back in Naptown after a sabbatical in Seattle for about a year. One of the greatest things about him being back in town is that he has a bunch of stories about tweakers out there. Apparently all that home-grown herb starts to make you sleepy after a while so many turn to meth to keep awake in order to reorganize their garage or be able to hug more trees or something. So most of his stories are about how he's workin' the third shift at some gas-station and he's drinkin' 22 oz. of the High-Life in the cooler when no-one is around, and then suddenly a tweaker walks in and the story begins. They all vary, but the theme is thus:
Methamphetamines will fuck you up. And not in that college-way. You know what I mean.
It doesn't matter if the tweaker is drooling on himself or about to turn the gas-station pump into a flame-thrower (I didn't get it either), all the stories are basically the same:
ODBeck may be drunk on the job, but at least he ain't a fucked up tweaker who's been up for 5 days. ODBeck thought being drunk would help him relate more, but the inebriation gap is too wide. Anyway, read this article about ice, some other kind of meth shit I will avoid consuming.

Check out this story on another reality-tv show that will boggle the mind. Here's my favorite part from the article:
"The show's intentions may seem philanthropic, but the contestants also face mean-spirited, made-for-TV challenges, like the bikini-clad temptress who moves in after the housemates have finished their last cigarettes. She enjoys an endless supply of cigarettes and blows smoke into the contestants' faces." This is exactly how it is at my house. Everytime I start to put those Camel Lights down for good, along comes some bikini-wearin' chain smokin' hottie beggin for a place to stay. Being the kind-soul that I am, I regularly boot a roommate out to make way for a smokin' girl but only to find that it's not as cool as I thought it would be. Whereas I thought that I would be inspecting bikinis and having long philosophical diatribes on the differences between Kant and Nietzsche; it's mainly just her blowing smoke into my face and mocking my lack of circulation problems. Damn smokin' women: Bane of my existence.

Now I ain't tryin to start beef, but I tend to disagree with damn near everything Oliver Wang writes about concerning music. I enjoy his site (mainly for the links) but I find that anytime he speaks of music I'm just like "you are wrong again Wang." Case in point:
Nas's Bridging the Gap video/song. He says that the execution of the concept is hot. I say bullshit. This is a verrrry boring track. Oh, let's mix up a standard-blues riff with Olu Dara singing about Nas and then we'll just change the song with a crappy transition where we add a beat with Nas rhyming. Sure the concept is neat, but the execution is not. When it changes it's not smooth...it's jerky. It's like mashing up two songs that don't have the same bpm. Like seriously, you could actually listen to this more than once and enjoy it every time? If so, I suspect that you have been listening to some shitty music lately and have grown accustomed to poor-compositions masquerading as songs. Go listen to the Mars Volta. That's compostion!
He also sez that the latest De La album is the best since 1996. It's okay, but saying that it's better than either of the AOI albums is just wrong. To me, the same things that make this new album so-so are the same reasons those AOI releases were marginal: TOO MUCH GODDAMN SINGING. This is the same reason Talib and Mos put out shitty albums (well-one of the factors at least). Hip-Hop does not need some RnB singer crooning on every track. Just cuz somebody sings some words doesn't mean I'll feel it more. We must stop this madness now and nip this in the bud before Shanice is on an M.O.P. track (jeezus-I was just reminded of that song they made with the product GnB...wack!). So O-dub, you might get paid to write your opinions on music, but you are incorrect, whereas I write my views for free (sans explanation or eloquence) and I am right. Oh and that new Snoop-Dogg song with Pharrel? Yeah, I guess it IS genius when some overrated producer records himself beatboxing his own "Grindin'" beat with a few clicks and pops so Snoop can continue rhyming about nothing (but at least he does more shizzle-rhymes...oh boy!!!). I hope Pharrel can sell alot of those nasty-shoes he's tryin' ta sell cuz I am sick of hearing that mu'fuckah on everyone else's radio.
That's enough brilliance for today. I'm out ya'll. Peace.
*BAMF!*

Comments:
that picture is like so creepy. regarding those shoes, i mean, if you are the kind of person who would even THINK about buying ANY article of clothing with diamonds and money symbols on it, i dont see why those shoes would be so bad...im sayin...
 
sorry to spam your comments section, but i agree with you about the bridging the gap song/video. it's just boring. i mean, i love the flappers dancing around, but that is just because i love flappers in genereal. but i mean, just because your dad is in your video, that doesnt mean it's de facto an interesting concept. blah blah boring. granted, it is not horrendously bad like so much of his recent shit. but that doest mean it's GOOD.
 
spam away sally. mo' comments=mo'better.
bridging the gap is boring. Hope his other stuff is better, but I doubt I'll buy it. Illmatic seems to be the only thing worth owning anyway...
 
Amen about the Nas track. May I be so bold to say:

IT'S WHACK YO! GET OFF ITS NUTS.
 
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