Thursday, November 11, 2004

Why Are So Many Nerdy Men Afraid of Liza Minelli?

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well, besides the obvious reason, I mean...

It seems like some nerdy guy is complaining that Liza Minelli beat them up or threatened them every month this past year or so. I just made that up, but I guess I'll go with it. I've kind of casually dismissed this phenomenon until I came across this truly harrowing tale at (which really, is one of many they have). Her bodyguard claims that Minelli forced him to have sex with her and also beat him frequently. David Gest (some other nerd) pretty much says the same thing, at least concerning the beatings. Now apparently this Liza Minelli chick (of whom I honestly cannot think of any reason I should know who she is) gets really violent towards men when she drinks and then attempts to seduce them, and if they refuse, they get beat down bad enough to actually ADMIT that Liza Minelli beat them. I ask you, dear readers, could you actually bring yourself to admit to the general public that this small (though rather heavy, apparently) woman beat you up? That is, if you were actually enough of a pussy to let her do that to you?

I should hope not. There is no way some short old drunk lady is going to beat me up or *shudder* force me into sexual relations with her. I'll stand by that statement.
But I think this awesome power that Minelli wields can serve a purpose for humanity. Namely, my entertainment and yours. Here's the deal:

There are many a weak male out there that you would love to beat up, but because of whatever reason you simply cannot act upon this impulse. You sit alone and feel unfulfilled.

But not anymore.
For the price of say, three bottles of red wine and a round-trip ticket from LAX to your local airport, I will make sure Liza Minelli beats up and (for no additional charge) forcibly rapes the weak male of your choosing. You can exploit this situation in any way you choose, but remember, I cannot be responsible for L. Minelli or her actions. There are forms to sign.
But anyway, in the spirit of the moment I figured we could all vote on some candidates (and feel free to suggest others) for Liza Minelli to violate:

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This is the dude that sings for Linkin Park. Choice #1

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Jay 'please kill me' Leno Choice #2

And finally:
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Fallon. For no other reason than that taxi movie. Choice #3

I vote for number one, but only beacause it's too damn close.
Vote or die. Puff Daddy was just joking about the presidental election but he will fucking murder chumps that don't vote on this poll. He's got a mohawk too. Scary.

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