Thursday, May 27, 2004

WADDAP BITCHES

A few things of interest today:

Just read this week's Taibbi column. Fucking brilliant. Read now.

Was at an art show last night showin off some of my brilliant work. You know it's brilliant because I said it was and I know brilliant when I see it, and I see it every day in the mirror, so it's goddamn brilliant alright? Of course, most people just kinda breezed by my work because I put these funny little alphabetic symbols into little bubbles that lead to the depicted speaker to convey a message.
Since A)most Americans are functionally illeterate and B)art is not supposed to convey a message these punk fools miss out.
Whatever. Suprisingly though, I did have quite a few people actually stop to read my work and were actually laughing crazily at it. Even heard some people goin' "this is my favorite part of the show"-that's right ya'll-I rule. This is a good thing of course.

Plus, they were all ladies so you know what that does to the hermit-like ego of your humble cartooning-host. I never in my life thought that I would have women reading the comic-strip's that I produced but hey- women get bored too.
I wore a suit for the event and everyone I know that came was like "damn, lookin' sharp son" because I do look damn fine in a suit. Rec'nize.

Anyway, the chronicles of too-shy-for-his-own-good-chiseven continued later that evening when I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air (it was hot in that suit)and some girl stepped to me like "oh, aren't you the dude with the cartoons?" Blah Blah Blah...awkward pause...
Me: So uhhh, what's next for you this evening (code: come back to the crib and play with my balls)?
Her: (gives me the eyes)ummm, nothing I guess, maybe blah blah blah (code:I would love to come home with you to make a bean-bag chair out of your nuts but I have this fat friend I must attend to...you understand right?).
Me: Well, I'm outta here. Guess I better keep doing these art shows so I can start pickin up some hot groupie action. Later bitches.

Yep, shoulda asked for her number but I was too shy. She probably gets freaky too. Damn.

Talked to a guy about doing some installation work at his gallery and hopefully, this mention of it will not jinx the situation. Oh well, sold some art to him and made $20 so whatever. I think Imma start pricing my art around satchel prices. For example:
artshowperson: So, how much is this piece selling for?
me: uhmmm lesee, a QP goes for $475,but I'll have to drive to get it, uhm, $500?
artshowperson: SOLD! I'd pay more for that since these other fucking amateurs are trying to pass their artwork off for much higher prices. SUCKER.
Me: (rolling a j with their check) Whatever.

But seriously, i don't understand the balls of some of these chump-artists I exhibited with...$650 for a fucking painting of flowers? I can tell that took you 20 minutes to make motherfucker. That is not worth $650, maybe $6.50 but hundreds of dollars for your time? you got some ego there friend. Oh well, I think it just proves my hypothesis on the role of art today. Are you ready?
The role of art in today's age is to seperate rich people from their money.
Fuck symbolism, meaning, etc. etc. etc. it's all wrong.
There is no other reason to create.
Unless you are me and everything you do creativly is like taking diction directly from God. Which I do you know. Love my brilliance bitches.
Enjoy these links and waste some time:
Blah3
Atrios
Cursor
Maakies
Derfcity
and the best so far:
this
Enjoy that last one. It's fucking brilliant.
Outro.
*BAMF*



Friday, May 21, 2004

Today is A Glorious Day

Of course, they all are, but I'm feelin' really good today so first, the news:
George W. Bush: War Criminal? Read this article from the NYTIMES and let that marinate for a minute. The article says that the Justice Department and White House lawyers were trying to figure out how to save Bush administration officials from being prosecuted as war criminals by using such sneaky tactics such as drafting memorandums like these:

"Another memorandum from the Justice Department advises officials to create a situation in which they could plausibly claim that abused prisoners were never in United States custody.

That memorandum, whose existence was acknowledged by two former officials, noted that it would be hard to ward off an allegation of torture or inhuman treatment if the prisoner had been transferred to another country from American custody. International law prohibits the "rendition" of prisoners to countries if the possibility of mistreatment can be anticipated.

The former officials said that memorandum was explicit in advising that if someone were involved in interrogating detainees in a manner that could cross the line into torture or other prohibited treatment, that person could claim immunity only if he or she contended that the prisoner was never in United States custody." (spotted at Counterspin). As Hesiod (the blogger of Counterspin) notes: The Bush administration cannot lose this legal argument or else they open themselves up to War Crimes prosecution.

Of course, we all know that the justice system is a system of anything but justice, so I doubt we will see Bush and Cheney in the Netherlands on trial but damn, doesn't that just feel like a little bit of sunshine? Imagine Dubya in prison. Maybe if we all do it will happen.

Seems as though the media and the rest of this country are slowly realizing what a corrupt and immoral administration we have occupying the White House.
Look here, here, here, here and here.
I would like to take this moment to award them the chiseven official "WORST PRESIDENT/ADMINISTRATION EVER" award. Your competition with the Harding Administration was a close-fought battle, but your latest torture escapades nudged you to the front.
Congratulations.

In lighter news, now that Dubya is fuckin' up on a regular basis,some news organizations have decided to show how much his little daughters are screwin around too.
Peep this:
way to go ladies! (make sure you scroll down...it's a picture...you'll see it.)

Andy Kaufman is still dead. This week, someone popped up with a blog claiming to be Andy Kaufman. Sounded good for a minute, but really, the facts didn't add up. Check the link to cut to the chase.

Does anyone care about Lenny Kravitz anymore? I saw him on TV last night rockin' some girly haircut (and this is from a man with a foot-long ponytail)singing some other "yeah yeah yeah" song...which is soooo different than his other (s)hits. Uh-sure. me thinks he's been hittin Nicole Kidman for too long which will make any man strange. Probably got him thinkin' 'bout joining her Scientology cult. Works for me as long as I don't have to see either of them.

Head on over to byroncrawford.com and enjoy the man at work. For my money, he's killin' it over there. As a bonus, scroll down and peep John Kerry's daughter and her chest. As Milo from MoCAsh noted,she does have a gas-face-able grill, but hell, I don't ever see the twins poppin out in support of their pops. Plus, anytime I can see that sort of thing at work and not get caught is great. So if you are at work, click on the link when yo boss ain't around. And if he is, pull him in and he might like it.

Ol' Ted Rall is still chillin' despite American idiots claiming that his cartoon is "treason." Check his blog out for details. A cartoon as treason? Sounds like somebodys got too much time on their hands.

Check this dude's blog out. He's a first year public school teacher in Chicago. Stop by and wish him luck.

As usual, Matt Taibbi continues to be my favorite columnist with columns like this.

In personal news, I was chillin' alone at the pad on Wednesday when I got a call from some old friends (Terri, Brandi and Dave) who said they were gonna drop by after they got done with some wack hip-hop show in Broad Ripple. So they did, and I was (as usual) cooked, but quite accomidating, considering I played them 3 new beats I had made. Anywhoo, 10 minutes after arriving these bitches damn near passed out. So, I figured out why I ain't kickin with more ladies:
I make bitches fall asleep. And I'm pretty sure that ain't a good thing.
If I didn't know these ladies for the last 10 years or so I woulda tried wakin them up with the SHOCKER (AKA The Shark Hand). Man, I betta start takin' some tips from RnB/Southern Crunk songs or something. *sigh* Time to start gettin my freak on I guess.

And finally, my boy Joe hits me up with his take on popular music these days:

"On unrelated matters I was taking Codie to the airport in Sacto, on the ride
back I found myself becoming drowsey with the soothing sounds of the public
radio jazz o' snooze fest, so I excercised my god given right as an american
and swtched over to the whiz-bang world of commerical tunes. As I flipped
from christian funk to mexican polka to indigo girls and the tallented touch
of Joe Satriani(?), the fickle ball of my roulette-esque fancy stopped upon
the "96.7 hottest mix of rap and R&B". I proceeded to have my jaw drop at
the complete and utter lack of tallent in this pervasive sector of music
sales. Pete Pablo's girl's asses hit me with thier gyrating freak-a-leek
and sent me careening into a song that touts the vitrues of Marvin Gaye,
Teddy Pendergrass, and Luther Vandross's ability to get the ladies swooning
and spoonin'. It had touching moments like this "I'm Gonna put on some
Luther Vandross, and you're gonna take your pants off." Ahh, song writing
has gone from making music about bang'n to making music about how those
other guy's made music about bang'n. Brilliant."

Indeed.
Ouro.
*BAMF*


Sunday, May 16, 2004

It's A New World

And Blogger is still hatin' on Macintosh.
Oh well.
Yo ya'll...I got some new digs courtesy of the merger of google and blogger. More money=more stuff for the free users. That means a bitchin' black look. As a courtesy, when viewing this blog, please thank satan and scream any Slayer songs you know. Go to www.slayer.net for help if you desire. If you notice that I typed the site instead of just linking to it then you win a bonus prize. I have no idea why, but the buttons I use to enhance this blog with HTML code (i think)no longer work when used through Explorer on a Mac. So, more bloggin' at work which is good for ya'll cuz you'll get the exxtra dosage but bad for me cuz I'll probably lose the job.
But that's the price I'll pay for ya.
I rule.
I am currently enjoying a buzz provided by 12 fluid oz of High Life satisfaction as I barrel down the information highway. Did I just type "the superinformation highway?" Oh. Nope. But still...
That phrase is a white man's wet dream.
Uhm, yep, I think it's time for me to step off cuz it's not even 10Pm and I'm reelin'.
Fuck a speelcheck.
MJP, raise a Cristal in the Peruvian air!
JG-go home and drink a Pale Ale under a Chico sky.
we gettin' crunk wit this blog enty.
RRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I Probably Shouldn't Even Care...

but my addiction to records is gettin outta control. I drop about 40 dollars a week on records (and i probably get 20-30 each time) and this week was no exception.
Cool snags included a few Blue Note Records that Madlib used for his Blue Note CD (the name escapes me right now...)got that Byrd record with the "Lookin' at the Front Door" sample...was chillin' at work with the portable record player blastin some Herbie Hancock Headhunters. Watermelon Man is the shiiiiiit.
In other record news I dropped 10 bucks on some record that the record owner said was worth 60 bucks or so...this dude rules...Doesn't even really care about makin' money off of the stuff...just loves sellin' I guess. What a player. But 10 bucks? that's alot of money for something that contains no THC. MMMHMMM. It's a good record though.
I am so ready to move into the new crib (this August) and combine record collections with my diggin/music makin' friend.
My plan is to smack Indianapolis over the head with BANGIN sample-based hip-hop.
And if that don't work I'm gonna get a job with some record company and use this knowledge of samples to get paid...("ohhhh, they sampled the skull snaps record...hittim widda lawsuit")...but nah, fuck this vulture of culture shit.
I think I'm just gonna give away my music anyway.
Now I need to fix my sampler cuz it's buggin'.
Oh, uh, next post I'll letcha know about this art-show I'm gonna be in.
Should be...uh, me drinkin a buncha High-Life's as hipsters walk around my cartoons like they know what "real" art is.
i'm gonna go home and ruin my lungs.
Like father like son I suppose.
except I'm funkier.
As, Dylan from my favorite hip-hop group of all time (nah)would say:
BIG UP! YA'LL REST EASY. DEM SYSTEM SET UP PARAMETERS FOR DE BLACK YOUT. BLOODCLOT!
out.
*BAMF*


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Why Does Our Government Hate America?

Now, I've been waiting for that headline for a minute since it seems to be pretty damn accurate these days. So, in the time that I last posted we have seen documentation of prisoner abuse in Iraq (in the notorious Abu Ghraib prison)and the idiotic defense of those abusing the prisoners ("well, why should we sympathize with these prisoners being abused by U.S. soldiers? I bet the same prisoners we are trying to protect have American blood on their hands."). Uhm, hmmm...i don't even have to comment really. Let me put it this way: If you are defending a soldier who has put Iraqi prisoners in nasty sexual positions, etc. etc. etc. or have photographed these prisoners (violating the Geneva Conventions) then I would just say: I feel sorry for you.
Anyone who justifies the abuse of prisoners must be a sick person indeed.
You don't fuck with prisoners whether they be rapists, pedophiles, freedom-fighters, suspected terrorists or whatever because when you do so you become an example of the type of behavior that prisons are (in theory) created to cater to. That is, if you cannot treat others as you wish to be treated then you cannot participate in society and you should be in prison. This sort of behavior is why so many hate us around the world.
We claim to be liberators and then we behave in the same manner as those we despose.
Gee, why do those Iraqi's hate us?
And then, this story breaks and some American has lost his head. There's a video out there if you want to find it. I won't be looking 'cause I never liked "Faces of Death" anyway and seing some dude get beheaded sounds more like entertainment for the Middle Ages, but hell, who I am to judge?
Either way, my thoughts are thus:
No one deserves to be beheaded (except Carrot-Top)and especially not for THIS war.
Once again, this is our own damn fault. If you read the article you understand.
If not, read that last link dammit.
President Bush says that we will find those responsible. And we will.
Just ask Usama Bin Laden.
*BAMF!*

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Ted Rall Rules!

Check out this transcript of Ted rall on The O'Rielly Factor. O'Rielly is mostly just a blowhard, but I think Rall holds his own. Plus, it's always awesome when someone gives their opinion on a subject and doesn't back down even under the pressure.
Check his website for more examples. i haven't read his account of being in Afghanistan ("Gas Wars" i think?) but from what I've read in the past i am sure it is quite illuminating.
Props to you Rall!
methinks I drank too much coffee this morning...sh-sh-sh-shaking.
*AUGGHHH*

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Bald Headed Little Girls

So I have long hair. I've been growin' my hair for about 10 years now and everybody thinks that now is the time for me to cut it. Everybody seems to think that it's time for me to "grow up" and accept assimilation. I know women that have cut their locks and then donated it to little bald headed girls that have cancer. These same women try to shame me into cutting my mop.
"Some little girl is bald because of chemotherapy and the kids make fun of her. You should cut your hair and donate it to a charity like Locks of Love."
My response is this:

Fuck those bald-headed bitches. This is my hair. This is MY record of my drug habit for the last ten years. I've put alot of effort into cultivating this smorgasboard of THC, LSD and phylosibin samples.
THE GLORY IS MINE!
Shit. What if one of those little ho's tried to get a job (at ten years old) and they gave her a hair sample test? I don't wanna be responsible for some little chemo-kid getting denied for a job for all the fun I've had. Those are my memories dammit! Back off my hair!
But I tell you what...I'm not completely heartless. Check this out:

I also have a pretty thick beard.

I will donate my beard to any little girl or boy that has been undergoing chemo or whatever.
Wouldn't that be ill? Any kid that has a beard in the 2nd grade would be the coolest kid ever.
Picture this:

taunting Kids: Paul's bald! Paul's bald! Where's yer hair chrome-dome? Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

Paul (lighting a cigarette): My hair is on my chin bitch! Where's your beard you little bitches?
In fact, don't answer that, I gotta put this cig out.(reaches over and puts out cigarette in closest kids eye)" "Ha ha-yeah! Now you got no depth perception son! Boooyakka!"

See, if these kids looked like the lead singer of Clutch then they wouldn't have any problems. Plus, a 11 year old girl with a beard? That's just like handing her a money maker for the carnival circuit. So yo, I know it ain't a popular idea right now, but Imma change that.
Come on fellas, this is an appeal from the heart:
Grow a big beard so you can shave it off and give it to a kid that doesn't have a beard.
And ladies, you can join this effort too!
Don't trim the trim! if we all do our part, the youth could be sporting curly beards before the next winter.
And if you don't support this idea then the terrorists have already won.
*BAMF!*


Ted Rall is America's BullShit Detector

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last week...I've been busy fuckin' hoes and smokin' "o's". Belieee dat.
Anyway, have any of you noticed the whole Pat Tillman thing in the media the last week or two?
Short synopsis: Tillman gives up a large contract with the NFL to serve in the armed forces. Then he is killed in Afghanistan. ESPN and others devote segments to his heroic sacrifice. We Americans should think of him as a hero. Blah blah blah...
So then Ted Rall (kinda the anarchist/punk-rock/cartoonist-think Bill Hicks with a pen) creates this cartoon and suddenly patriotic citizens are calling for his head. Personally I think it's a damn fine cartoon.
Suitable for framing actually.
Then I read this column by the always-provoking Matt Taibbi. I didn't read the kid's editorial, but I understand the sentiment and I agree with Taibbi's analysis.
And then, I notice this little part of this article:

'Just when we thought we had a pure and simple hero, a millionaire athlete who gave up wealth and fame to become the ideal patriot, to make the ultimate sacrifice, his friends and family complicated everything. They turned Pat Tillman into a human being Monday, showing us what was really lost during that ambush in Afghanistan, insisting that we question every assumption we've made since he died an icon on April 22.

Yes, there were uplifting tales, moments when tears and pride swelled in everyone watching Tillman's memorial service at the San Jose Municipal Rose Garden. There were jarring moments, too, and they carried the message of the afternoon -- "challenge yourself" -- more powerfully than those laden with conventional inspiration.

Tillman's youngest brother, Rich, wore a rumpled white T-shirt, no jacket, no tie, no collar, and immediately swore into the microphone. He hadn't written anything, he said, and with the starkest honesty, he asked mourners to hold their spiritual bromides.

"Pat isn't with God,'' he said. "He's f -- ing dead. He wasn't religious. So thank you for your thoughts, but he's f -- ing dead.''' (There's more...read the O.G. article)

If you continue reading the article a much more complex human comes into focus. This man is not some uber-patriot portrayed in Rall's cartoon (though I still like it), he was an interesting, intellegent, confused human being who was trying to figure out how to do the best with his life (well, that may be laying it on thick, but he seemed like a thoughtful person anyway) and he thought military service might be the best way to do so.
Now I don't think of Pat Tillman as a hero and nor do I consider him a failure.
He was just some guy who got caught up in the insane mechanisms of military service and died while fighting uhhhh, the Taliban, uh yeah (Taibbi brings up a good point: how exactly did Tillman die? How? Why? Isn't that important? Oh no-that's right, that part of the story isn't important, but turning him into a celebrity-hero-patriot is...oh that's right, god bless 'merica and her heroes!).
Well however he died doesn't matter but you can add his name to the list of those who died for an unneccessary war. Or a just cause. It just depends on what you believe.
Whatever.
I'll be back next time with humor...
Promise.

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