Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Kanye West is an overrated, egotistical hack and he wears shirts with Teddy Bears.

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I mean, really, a grown man wearing a Teddy-Bear shirt?


So I'm over at hiphopsite reading their Hip Hop News on the DL to see if any of the stories will spark my interest in another blog entry and lo and behold, I run across an item on Kanye West.
Now I don't care for Kanye West as far as music goes but I can't deny that he has a good ear for sampling his mom's old records. Anyway, somone over there actually cares about what he has to say (and I guess I do too if I'm blogging about it...goddammit) about his new album and so they asked him "Hey, Kanye, who's going to be on your next album?" And he responds that no one will be a guest on his new album because he's focused on his own material. Yeah, I don't believe it either, but he continues the thought with:
"Whatever happened to artists working on their own shit? Like Kurt Cobain, what if he had given ["Smells Like Teen Spirit"] to...what was that group that made "Mr. Jones"? No. They should have kept it for Nirvana."
So obvioulsy he means that...uhm, uh. Naw. That doesn't really make sense. Nice try, but perhaps if you had stayed in college then you would able to formulate an analogy to support or illustrate your statements, but since you are a college dropout, you fail to express yourself clearly. Perhaps your mother (whom the B.C. has taken to task a few times) could help you with analogies since she's some sort of English teacher. But who knows? Either way Kanye won't be reading this anyway so I'll drop the "you" refrences.

But what I'm getting at here is that I can't fucking stand Kanye West when he speaks, whether it be when he's on the mic or stroking himself off in front of the press, this dude just needs to shut up. Case in point:
At the last American Music Awards (who the fuck even cares about the A.M.A. anyway?) Kanye was nominated for three awards and he didn't win any. He didn't deserve to win any, but he certainly thought he would. Instead of being a gracious loser he decided to say some more bullshit to the press:
"I think that as Best New Artist, I feel robbed. I won't be giving any politically correct answer to that. I was the best New Artist this year so get that other bullshit outta here. I walked out when they announced Best New Artist. If I'm not here for political reasons next year, you'll still be hearing my music...something real."
Okay, so Kanye loses to this country artist Gretchen Wilson at the AMA where Usher won 4 awards and Bon Jovi got a special merit award ( I guess for trying to remain relevent after the 1980's) and he's upset?!? He should be happy, but instead he throws a little tantrum like a little bitch. I guarantee Gretchen Wilson doesn't wear shirts with little teddy-bears on them and she is a little bitch! Plus this retard thinks the snub is political? I don't know where to begin, so I'll just move this little hate-fest/rant along...

So, as I was loading up on ammunition to verbally snip this jack-ass I came across these quotes from a Tavis Smiley show that Kanye was on. So Tavis is all like: "yo, how did you write 'Through the Wire'" and so Kanye says:
"Well actually, I recorded the song with my mouth wired shut and...when I first went to radio with it, people didn't understand that. They said "The words are kind of unclear." I said, "that's the whole thing. My mouth is actually wired shut." I recorded it two weeks after the accident. I had to take painkillers in order to finish the second verse because I wasn't supposed to be using my mouth that much."
Okay, that is just retarded, but, here is why this grandstanding mu'fuckah did it:
"When I had bigger songs afterwards [people will/would say] 'You remember hsi first song he recorded with his mouth wired shut?" I just felt like it would help me to go down in history."
WHAT? So like, he wants to be known as that rapper with the mush-mouth gimmick? Fuck! Somebody tell 50 Cent he's got competition! I mean, I definitley look back at my Eazy-E records and go, "yeah, you can really tell that the AIDS was affecting him on this track...what courage!" Fuck that noise!

BUT (and I will be done very soon...bear with me) the most luminescent, shining example of why Kanye West is an egotistical (yet oblivious to his own stupidity) douche-bag is this following exchange concerning his brilliant rhyme writing:
"I make music that appeals to white people you know? It's kind of like a dry humor in the vein of Jerry Seinfeld, definitely college kids because I explain their whole struggle, their story. I say 'I promise, she's so self-conscious, she has no idea what she's doing in college, that major that she majored in won't make her no money, but she won't drop out her parents'll look at her funny' And any girl that I ever played it to-"Did you write that about me?" No, I'm sayin' thats everyone I know."
HA HA AHAAAAAAA!!!!
See, he thinks he got insightful lyrics because these random ho's he hangs out think the song is about them and therefore he thinks he's tapped into some deep sentiment, like he's a genius or something. I mean, that sentiment is about as common as women with butterfly tattoos. Sheeeeeit.
In conclusion, Kanye West is a douche-bag that wears shirts with Teddy Bears on them. What a little girl.







Sunday, November 21, 2004

Give The Drummer Some...

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"Now I will rock you!"

I now present to you: The hottest keyboard drummer ever.
I hope this works for ya'll. It's some funny shit.
Or at least I thought so.
Dude was rippin' it.
*out*

Saturday, November 20, 2004

I Was Pissed Until Now...

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sorry ya'll...scroll to the right quickly...

Man, I was in a pissed off mood until I was chillin' at a bar gettin' drunk and the Indiana Pacers started bustin' motherfuckahs in the D-Town. I feel great now.

Now understand, I don't give a fuck about sports 364 days during the year, but when I see the Indiana Pacers beating down fans in Detroit I gotta say that we are the gulliest sports team in N.B.A. history. Artest had been too much of a good-guy until now...finally he has an excuse to behave like a crazy idiot again. This rules! I know he'll be fined and I could really care less but at least my Pacers beat the shit out of everyone in Detroit who tried to start somethin'. The best part of this is little scenario is when I assume that the Indiana Pacers actually think that their behavior actually reflects Indianapolis, or for that matter, Indiana in general. I mean, what the fuck is this "my Pacers" shit? I can't claim ownership! Either way, here are some links to some guys in an Indiana jersy kickin' ass:
The first weak article written.
And then there is this...
On a different note, the image above is from one of my sketchbooks...nothing special, but I figured I'd start posting art just for the hell of it. I'm drunk by this point...
*Chiseven stumbles away...*

Friday, November 19, 2004

Fundamentalist Christians Can Eat A Dick Sandwich

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"Oh black baby jesus-when will these repressed idiots learn?"

Ok, I 've almost ALWAYS had beef with most Christians (with a few exceptions) and I certainly think that fundamentalist Christians are akin to say, the bubonic plauge, but I've never really felt like storming Jerry Falwell's compound with an AK-47 until today. Now, I could deal with the election results because I understand the psychology (or at least, make wild and offensive generalizations pretending I do...) of these sheep. Many people simply believe what other people tell them (their parents, the government) because they are simple and not cynical enough. They are easily led (usually by fear-whether that be of eternal damnation or destruction by evil-doers) because that is how they have been conditioned to behave. I mean, how else could these fucks believe Jesus was a white guy from the Middle East? Until recently I pitied them as I thought they were just dull and harmless, but after the last election I could not deny that lunatics influence our government. I know G-dub is crunk off the Jesus juice and now most of our government is too, but when I see an article like this, where nutty Christians compare pornography to heroin then I know we are outta control.
"Internet pornography is corrupting children and hooking adults into an addiction that threatens their jobs and families, a panel of anti-porn advocates told a hearing organized Thursday by Senator Sam Brownback, chairman of the Commerce subcommittee on science."
Really, anyone who is the chairman of the Commerce subcommittee on science should look at this psuedo-scientific assertion and say: "stop fucking wasting my time with this bullshit"
but we must remember that Brownback is a Republican who belives that an invisible man in the clouds controls our existance and that homosexuality is a threat to the sacred institution of marriage.
Now I don't watch or buy or seek out pornography but I think there is nothing wrong with porno. In fact, I would suspect that the main reason that pornography is so damn popular is because this society is so sexually repressed by these same Jesus-freaks. Seeing Janet Jackson poppin' out a titty on CBS earlier this year was awesome, but for some reason these religious nuts think it's immorral or whatever. Yo: The only thing immoral about Janet Jackson's right tit is the reaction to that mammory gland. As heard in Half-Baked: "That's a titty B!" Learn to enjoy and appreciate the body of the most attractive of those loony Jacksons.
But I'm off track here...
The point is that we don't need some staunch religious fanatics telling us that seeing arcing streams of jism is bad for the country (thank you Bill Hicks) or our moral fiber (whatever that means...). We don't need guys saying that "studies...show prolonged use of pornography leads to 'sexual callousness, the erosion of family values and diminished sexual satisfaction.' We need more people attesting that Ron Jeremy helped their sex-life by demonstrating new moves and other cool shit (like being a fat hairy bastard and getting paid to bone all day...thus providing inspiration and confidence to millions). Pornography is good. Religous nuts are bad.
In other news...
Who Smokes the Most Dope in Europe?-sadly, it's not Milo from mo ca$h.
Sorry about the rambling entry. I'm still testy...
And thanks to all who leave comments. I raise a High-Life in your honor.
EDIT: In keeping with the theme today, go enjoy Timmy's Wish with a special appearance by Jeusus.
I'm out...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

NO WONDER THIS COUNTRY IS FUCKED...

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even giraffe-neck Asians are pissed off...

Okay, so obviously ya'll are still disillusioned by the outcome of the presidential election and as a result have decided to quit voting altogether. This MUST be the only reason you did not participate in my "Liza Minelli beats up the weak male of your choosing" (scroll down), because obviously, this is an important topic that needs to be addressed and yet, not ONE person has commented. Ya'll have let me down goddammit. I sentence you all to listen to the new Black Eyed Peas album on infinite repeat until you vote. Now if only I could figure out a way to serve up that punishment...I'd start a blog radio thing but fuck it-I'm internet retarded, so just know dear readers: you have let me down. Start leaving comments okay? They are like little rocks of crack that give me validation, self-worth and an awesome buzz. Got that? Good.

Now that we've cleared that mess up, I think we should check the links I have provided below.
You should all know that I have decided to deem myself an enemy combatant of Jesusland so that I can provide aid and comfort to their enemies in order for the masters of Jesusland to lose their grip on power. This will include (but not be limited to) subversive activities, links to articles critical of Jesusland and (hopefully) treasonous and seditious comments. Let the fun begin:
Should Canada charge Bush with War Crimes? Yes.
Those crazy snipers and their luddite-approach to modern warfare! Black flags equal more Hoosier blood on the streets of Fallujah. This isn't as bad as it sounds. Trust me.
Here's a list of my newest enemies: 5 GOP Senators for Jesusland. They're crazy about Christ!
Remember: When you buy drugs you help the terrorists. Unless of course, the U.S. is helping these drug-growing terrorists. That is free-enterprise and that is totally cool. On a side note, I say bring me all the Afghani weed I can smoke. In fact, bring me about 4 years worth and I'll put it in the freezer and I swear I won't touch it until at least Bluntsgiving Day. Mmmm...
Oh but back to those pesky Iraqi's who won't get out of the way of American bullets. Can't they understand that America is trying to help them be democratic by killing them? Why don't they get it?
Soldiers of Jesusland kill wounded and unarmed Iraqis. Hearts and minds...hearts and minds.
On a side note:
Does anyone else laugh when they watch the news and some parent of a dead soldier is talking about how their child died a hero because they were "protecting their country and our [Americans] right to be free"? HA HA HA! Excuse me. I mean, I guess they do have to say that so they can pretend that their loss is acceptable. I mean, when your child dies for no good reason I guess you do have to lie to yourself to make sure you don't start climbing bell-towers or something...
Also, I laugh my ass off when they interview some sucker in combat over there in Iraq and he's all like "Yeah, we're doing the right thing. It feels good to know that I'm defending my country and the rights of my fellow citizens blah blah blah". I wonder if these cats are that wistful and optimistic when some skinny 14 year old Iraqi blows their legs off with an RPG because some Marines "accidentally" killed his sister and now dogs are eating her remains.
Boy I'm full of bile today. Ya'll shoulda commented on my L. Minelli post and this wouldn't have happened. If you need a break from my anger go click on the "Maakies" link on the right hand side for some jocular fun. Otherwise, leave comments or expect more grim posts...
*out*


Thursday, November 11, 2004

Why Are So Many Nerdy Men Afraid of Liza Minelli?

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well, besides the obvious reason, I mean...


It seems like some nerdy guy is complaining that Liza Minelli beat them up or threatened them every month this past year or so. I just made that up, but I guess I'll go with it. I've kind of casually dismissed this phenomenon until I came across this truly harrowing tale at thesmokinggun.com (which really, is one of many they have). Her bodyguard claims that Minelli forced him to have sex with her and also beat him frequently. David Gest (some other nerd) pretty much says the same thing, at least concerning the beatings. Now apparently this Liza Minelli chick (of whom I honestly cannot think of any reason I should know who she is) gets really violent towards men when she drinks and then attempts to seduce them, and if they refuse, they get beat down bad enough to actually ADMIT that Liza Minelli beat them. I ask you, dear readers, could you actually bring yourself to admit to the general public that this small (though rather heavy, apparently) woman beat you up? That is, if you were actually enough of a pussy to let her do that to you?

I should hope not. There is no way some short old drunk lady is going to beat me up or *shudder* force me into sexual relations with her. I'll stand by that statement.
But I think this awesome power that Minelli wields can serve a purpose for humanity. Namely, my entertainment and yours. Here's the deal:

There are many a weak male out there that you would love to beat up, but because of whatever reason you simply cannot act upon this impulse. You sit alone and feel unfulfilled.

But not anymore.
For the price of say, three bottles of red wine and a round-trip ticket from LAX to your local airport, I will make sure Liza Minelli beats up and (for no additional charge) forcibly rapes the weak male of your choosing. You can exploit this situation in any way you choose, but remember, I cannot be responsible for L. Minelli or her actions. There are forms to sign.
But anyway, in the spirit of the moment I figured we could all vote on some candidates (and feel free to suggest others) for Liza Minelli to violate:

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This is the dude that sings for Linkin Park. Choice #1

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Jay 'please kill me' Leno Choice #2

And finally:
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Fallon. For no other reason than that taxi movie. Choice #3

I vote for number one, but only beacause it's too damn close.
Vote or die. Puff Daddy was just joking about the presidental election but he will fucking murder chumps that don't vote on this poll. He's got a mohawk too. Scary.
*out*






GREETINGS FROM JESUSLAND
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don't worry...it scares the shit out of me too.

So I'm back. Florida sucked. Grammy is aiiight. Mission accomplished. Back to real life.

So obviously we got 4 more years of this lunatic (which, c'mon, we all knew anyway right? I didn't really have that much faith in democracy...did you?) and hey, we deserve it I guess. The Democrats should have fought more dirty I think. Kerry was too damn nice. He did take the high-road and he did appeal to the more enlightened members of our nation but he didn't win because Americans like to see people get dirty (remember how you'd always watch those fights on the playground at school just hoping you'd see blood? admit it!). Kerry didn't win because he forgot that you cannot impress idiots with civility. And, sadly, the idiots in this country came out to vote in full this year. We didn't learn our lesson after 9-11 and apparently we want another one. The funny thing is ( I guess if you can laugh about the inevitable death of a few thousand Americans) that those who chose Bush (the red state population) will probably cause a terrorist attack in one of the blue states' cities thus expanding the rift between the coasts and the midwest that much more. I'm not much for prophecy but this much seems inevitable. We shall see.

If you have not accepted the fate of our nation then I suggest that you read a few articles I have enjoyed since I have returned to the internet after my sabbatical:
Kerry won. Here are the facts. Don't get your hopes up though-this is just a sad truth about our electoral process. Bush will still be around in four years unless he actually eats all those pretzels I've been sending him since Nov. 3rd.
Disillusioned with the DLC? Matt Taibbi has some words for you:
"We blame corporate America for this state of affairs because this ideology of individual acquisitiveness is the religion it naturally preaches. But it's our failure to come up with a competing ideology of getting along that's the real problem. Down south, in those "backward" red states, they vote the way they do because they see this individualistic religion as a creature of the cold, greedy, north, which has chosen to attack the idiocy of the right-wing church rather than admit to its own spiritual unhappiness.
Bush is our fault. He's our fault because too many of us found it easier to hate him than find a way to love each other. If we work on the second thing a little harder, we won't need to rely on the cynics in the DLC to come up with the right "formula" the next time around. Because happiness and hope have a way of selling themselves."

I had no idea that Taibbi had the capacity for such optimism. I'm confused.
Read this story about how one sniper is holding back 150 Marines in Fallujah.
Am I evil when I root for snipers? Is that treason? Do I care?
I'll be back with more once I get some more time. Until then...
*out*

Monday, November 01, 2004

Gone Until November 9th
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My grandmother's friends prepare for a warm welcome

Yep yep, I'm going down to St. Petersburg Florida for a week to take care of my grandmother who is chillin' in a wheelchair these days as a result of kicking the shit out of someone over a shuffle-board dispute. She kicked some punk until she broke a toe or something so now I gotta go and cook her meals, get her 40's and blunts and all that ill shit my grandma does on the reg. But yo, I won't be makin' any updates until at least the 9th of November when I get back so it should be an interesting week of sobriety for me. Hopefully a week of no nicotine and THC will do me some good, but I'm sure if I gets testy my gram will run over my toes with her 'chair or something. I'm planning on doing some diggin' while I'm down there if I can, but I guess that depends on her health and her demands. Either way I'm sure she'll tell me some interesting stories about Ukraine while I'm there. Should be fun. In the meantime, scroll down to my Paris Hilton exclusive report and start linkin' to my shit so more than 3 people read this drivel. Grand Marquis, I expect you to fill the gap while I'm gone. See ya'll in seven days. I'll bring back some borscht too. VOTE MU'FUCKAHS!
*out*

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