Thursday, December 16, 2004

Remember, It's All About The Children...

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In an effort to inspire the youth of today, or rather, our greatest hope for tomorrow, I fully recommend that you sign the following petition. We must instill values of the highest order for our children and create a world in which they can look up to their favorite rappers and say, I believe in you. We must also create a world in which arrogant and egotistical musicians cannot boast of their valor and remain unchecked for blatant abuse of trust. This my friends is the first step. Won't you please think of the children?
(scroll down if you are confused...)

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Ghostwriter? Co-Writer? Why Split Hairs?

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For a little money you can be my co-author...

Well, bol forced my hand on this one. I was going to wait, but hey fuck it, let's get it over with.
That's right ya'll, Kanye didn't write "Jesus Walks" but this dude did. Here's the proof:

"He’s also frustrated at seeing some of the songs from Raw Dawg[his first album] get airplay only when West released it on his own album. He uses the Rhymefest/West collaboration “Jesus Walks,” as an example.
“I was going around this town performing ‘Jesus Walks’ two years ago,” he says. “I even gave it to a radio station. You think they played it? No. But when it came out on an international scale, then they go back and play it. But when I had it and was giving it to people, it was just another local guy with a song that sounds halfway good.”
Still not convinced? Try this article. Go ahead, I'll wait.
See, now notice that in both articles that the song is referred to as a collaboration. If, this song is such a collaboration then why would Rhymefest (yes, it is a ridiculous rap name) be pushing the song two years before Kanye co-writes it with him? The answer of course is money. Now I can't prove this, but hey, I'm anonymous and I call out people for real, regardless of responsibility or whatever, so I'm gonna do it anyway. See, I think that Kanye saw his buddy with this dope song and he was like "yo, if you put this song you already wrote on my album I'll give you some loot and give you co-writing credit." 'Fest of course, would be like, "Well fuck yeah, ain't no producers or rappers here in Indy signed to the Roc. Gimmie that loot." Which y'know, I can't blame him for selling an old song that probably wouldn't be heard otherwise.
But still, I'm sure if I cough up enough scratch for some Mc's verse then I too can be called a co-writer. Say what you will, but in my book, Rhymefest ghostwrote those rhymes for money and an opportunity to get some shine in the music business.
And you may say so what? There's plenty of ghostwriting in rap/hip-hop, and it's not always a bad thing. I agree. Ghostwriting is never a bad thing for the author, but it doesn't add credibility to the one who spits rhymes like they are his own. See, I would keep this under my hat and not comment on it if Kanye West just wasn't such a douche. For him to pay people for rhymes/concepts/etc. is no big deal, but for him to act like he is the next G.O.A.T. of the rap game (which he does regularly) is unexcusable. Poor Kanye has fallen victim to his own hype-men. Sure he can sample a catchy record and use the same break over and over again but his music is nothing classic. If you don't believe me then seal up your Kanye record and don't play it for 5 years. Listen to it then and I guarantee it won't be as awesome as you thought it was.
By then, you'll be gettin' down to some other sound and Kanye will sound trite.

So either way, watch the Grammies and see if Kanye shouts out Rhymefest or brings him on stage if he wins an award for "best songwriter" if he does not acknowledge his "collaboration" then I'm going to upload that video I have of Kanye peeing on my little sister and continue to berate Kanye until his mother rushes to his defense in my comments section.
Mystery solved. Kanye=needs a ghostwriter to get a Grammy.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Monday's Tin-Foil Hat Edition

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join me as I wallow in conspiracy...

Gary Webb, author of the expose "Dark Alliance..." was found dead this weekend of an apparent suicide. The article I just linked to claims that most of his investigative reporting was proven to be incorrect, which is, of course, bullshit. Now I'm no investigative reporter, but I have read that book and the evidence is damning (especially in the case of Oliver North, who certainly did his part to get the crack-explosion of the 1980's kickin'). Despite what the C.I.A. has said since the allegations (such as investigating themselves and finding no evidence to back up Webb's claims) I cannot doubt the accuracy of Webb's reporting. From what I remember of the book (which I read about 2 years ago) the evidence suggests that possibly George Bush Sr. knew about the crack-C.I.A. connection which is where this story draws most of their paranoia. Now I can't really say much more about the book except that you should all read it. You should all read this article which highlights some of the main assertions in the book and the impact it had when the original stories were published in the San Jose Mercury News. Either way, I find it hard to believe that Gary Webb committed suicide. I'll be checking the news these next few days for the "Gary Webb was really depressed just before they found him dead" stories that will inevitably pop up but I suspect that they won't even appear because the last time Webb made any sort of impact in American consciousness was back in 1996. Therefore, down the memory-hole.

We continue the adventures in conspiracy land with this from Greg Palast:
GREG PALAST: "I came here tonight to warn you that there are cooks and cranks and crazies out there on the internet who think that John Kerry won. Now, I know because one of those articles on the internet called “John Kerry Won,” on ... I wrote it. "
Palast gives us interesting figures such as this on how the government continues to disenfranchise black voters:
"the U.S Civil Rights Commission found that found if you are a Black person in America, the chance of your vote being tossed in the garbage -- you cast your vote and it's thrown away -- is 800% higher than if you are a white voter, okay?"
Scary stuff. Especially coming from the reporter who pretty much proved that the 2000 Election was corrupt in Florida. I dunno, maybe I'm too much of a "sore-loser" or "conspiracy nut" but I don't think it's that far of a stretch to believe that the people in power within the U.S. might turn to illegal methods in order to maintain control of power. Power corrupts right?

Dear readers, this is when I turn the rest of the conversation over to you. My comments section allows anonymous comments, so I wonder if any of you would like to contribute your 2 cents to my little conspiracy corner. See, I figure that the main reason that people would label people like me who think that possibly, there is some truth to the C.I.A. crack-connection and there's also enough evidence to suggest that the last two elections were tainted, is because most people believe that America(as a government and all that entails) cannot make mistakes. That is, America always fights for what's right and is therefore, good. I suspect our education and the media help foster this belief throughout our lives in order to make things run smoothly. Anyway, my question to ya'll is this:
Should I abandon my cynicism and skepticism towards the powers-that-be and join the RNC knowing that I'm just another opportunistic parasite hoping to benefit from their exploit of the common man? I mean, I'm pretty sure our government is corrupt beyond belief, but should I sit here and criticize it and do my best to try and reform it, or should I just join the evil-pigfuckers and attempt to get my slice of the pie? Drop me a line.
And if you aren't feeling that question, bol has a question for you to answer as well.
Now hopefully we can get some news that will lead to funny posts in the next few days. Oh, and my Kanye-West hating continues off-line as well. See, I'm trying to figure out how to prove that "Jesus Walks" was ghostwritten by an Indianapolis mc (originally from Chi-town) because every weekend when I'm at a party with people that know him (the ghostwriter) someone always mentions that he wrote "Jesus Walks" back in the 90's and then sold it to Kanye. Now the only reason I actually belive this shit is because this ghostwriter must be telling everyone he wrote it. I've had at least 6 conversations where (without me bring this ghostwriting issue up) someone mentions the ghostwriting shit. My next step is to find xxx and ask him point-blank. Then I will have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kanye West is a douchebag. Shouldn't be too hard. Aiiight, see you all at the docks near dusk...

Thursday, December 09, 2004

R.I.P. Dimebag Darrell

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One of the greatest guitarists of all time.

And he was killed on the 24th anniversary of John Lennon's murder. Strange.
Either way, this sucks. No one deserves to be shot onstage while playing guitar.
Except maybe, John Mayer.
But either way, the 17-year-old metalhead in me is reeeeal down right now. See, my step-brother was always tryin to get me into metal with like Danzig and shit, but I never really appreciated metal until I heard Pantera. It was loud, fast and pissed-off, so it was great to listen to when I was pissed at the world and full of angst. And even after I stopped hating the world I could still apprecciate me some Pantera. I think I saw them like 5-6 times in concert when they came through in the 90's and they never failed to dissappoint. They'd play for 2-3 hours and just rock until I thought my neck would snap right off. And the home-videos these dudes made we're ridiculous-it was just them getting real high or drunk or both and breaking whatever they saw in between rockin' shows on tour. Their debauchery certainly inspired my own. I'd like to think that my "walkin'-on-cars-while-I'm-drunk" routine was in the spirit of Pantera and Dimebag, though I could never really be as hard-core as they were. *sigh* Either way, humanity just lost one of the greatest guitarists ever. Sorry to be serious for a minute here but maaan this sucks. I'm gonna go play some Pantera and drink whiskey until I throw up.
Goddamn you Columbus Ohio. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Now I Can Finally Have Those Dope-Smokin' Children I've Always Dreamed Of...

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"What's that Mommy?" asked Jackie. "Are you and Daddy smoking a cigarette?"
"No baby," said her Mother. "This is called a 'joint.' It's made of marijuana."
"Mar-a-whah? What's that?" asked Jackie.
"Marijuana" smiled her Mom, "is a plant."
"What kind of plant?"
"Well," said her Mom, "That story may take me all night to tell you.
How about we go on a bicycle ride and I'll tell you all about it?"
"Okay," said Jackie.

That's the actual text too.

That's right ya'll, finally someone wrote a book for kids about marijuana.
All I can say is: It's about damn time. I know when I get some nieces and nephews in the future they are gettin' this book, some roachclips, and MY FIRST BONG by Fisher-Price from their favorite stoner uncle (not to be confused with their favorite great-uncle stoner...i think everyone has one of these in their families...I know I did). I don't really think this will change the world or anything but I can certainly hope that it leads to a gradual phasing-out of this lame marijuana-humor that is so prevelant these days. I mean, how many times can you make a joke about the mary-jane making people hungry? It is my hope that the children will learn great things from this book and eventually be able to use their great wit to comment on say, their stoner uncle's lack of ambition and tendency to wear the same pants all-year-round. As I say, I can dream.

Are you sick of people talking on cell-phones real loud out in public? Are you tired of hearing some redneck in a pickup truck say things like this:
"Yeah man, she was on the rag so I had ta stick it in her ass. It was fun!"
I actually heard that one while waiting at a stop-light last summer. Gross but awesome at the same time. Well, anyway, if yer some uptight asshole who feels the need to comment on others behavior in public (like me) then I reccommend you go here (spotted at boingboing ) and print these out so you can hand them out. Or, you could do like I do and just trip mu'fuckahs as they walk while talking on their celly. Generally speaking, most people can't talk, fall, and continue thier conversation all at once. Laughter and broken bones ensue. Highly reccommended. Or you could use those cards if you can't easily blend into a crowd after you trip someone.
Either way, let's do our best to fuck with people on celly's. I'm counting on you all.

I think that's gonna do it for today, but be sure to check back in the next few days for a special post concerning O'Shea Jackson, better known as Ice Cube. I'm going to try and figure out what the fuck happened between N.W.A. and the present. Maybe I'll even post an mp3 of Common's "The Bitch in You" where he verbally serves the former jheri-curl rockin' Cube. I'm makin' moves ya'll.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Let's Hear it For Ol' Chomper

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Another Happy Ukrainian

I just liked that picture above. This post has nothing to do with it.
I woke up this morning and got on the internet to read the news and promptly choked on my coffee when I read this article on Stevie Wonder "lashing out" at Eminem. I guess Stevie is angry that Eminem was making fun of Michael Jackson in the "Just Lose It" video. Isn't that hilarious? I mean, someone had to describe the video to Stevie right? It's not like he's actually seen the video cuz he's still blind, unless he got that microchip implanted in his brain I heard about years ago. From what I remember in the video, the only thing which could be really offensive or mean to Jackson is the part where Em/Jacko's nose falls off. And that's not really offensive, as it is obvious Jackson's nose is not the same one he was born with. So really, the only thing that someone could have described to Stevie would be where Em/Jacko is jumping on a bed with a bunch of kids and dancing or whatever ( I did only see this video once mind you). There shouldn't really be anything offensive about that either cuz didn't M.J. admit that he slept with little boys and had wierd slumber parties with them. It's never been proven that M.J. is a pederast but all his behavior certainly implies that he is one, or at the very least, a creepy individual. There's nothing wrong with making fun of creepy entertainers. In fact, it's quite necessary.
Stevie Wonder doesn't think so:
“Kicking someone when he’s down is not a good thing,” Wonder said. “I have much respect for his work, though I don’t think he’s as good as (late rapper) 2Pac. But I was disappointed that he would let himself go to such a level” …”He has succeeded on the backs of people predominantly in that lower pay bracket, people of color. So for him to come out like that is bull.” Now, I don't want to make it seem like I'm defending Eminem from any criticism here. I just think it's funny that Stevie Wonder is getting upset over a video that he has never seen. Plus, I think Stevie is wrong here too. Making fun of M.J. has nothing to do with black people in a lower pay bracket. M.J. hasn't been in a lower pay bracket for at least 30 years and he certainly doesn't represent or embody "the average person of color" in this country. The mu'fucker lives on a ranch that's named after a location in "Peter Pan." In the eighties he hung out with a monkey named Bubbles and a snake named Muscles. He prefers the company of little boys over grown women. M.J. doesn't represent "people of color" but he does represent "rich self-loathing crazy rich people." Stevie, stick to playing the keys. Music video criticism is not your bag. Blau.

Down The Memory Hole...
Remember Pat Tillman? That hero that was killed in Afghanistan protecting our freedoms?
He was killed by friendly fire. Back in April. Now, 8 months later we find out the truth.
Now we need not wring our hands over his valiant sacrifice, or how he gave up an NFL career to serve his country. Now we know for certain that he gave up a comfortable life in America to be gunned down in the mountains of Afghanistan by fellow Americans. All I can think about is the cartoon by Ted Rall (found here, along with hilarious comments on Tillmans heroism) that people found offensive eight months ago and how it now rings true. All that hand wringing for nothing. Ah well, one less hero for Jesusland.
Finally, an appeal to Grand Marquis: UPDATE. C'mon, feed the beast. Bust out the vocab.
I'm tired. See ya'll next time.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

"So What Have You Been Doing This Last Week?"

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And I do leave a wounded soldier behind occasionally...

Besides cookin' a turkey last Thursday to celebrate Bluntsgiving (and all that implies) I have done nothing but drink beer and kick it with comrades. This lavish lifestyle finally caught up with me on Tuesday where I spent the day in bed with a smashing hangover. There is no message or moral to be learned from this as I feel it was certainly worth it. I know that the alcohol is a fierce mistress and at times, she can gain the upper hand. But, as the rear-windows of pickup trucks across Indiana say: "I fear no beer." I will tame her again. Onward...

I think I stumbled on to Mr. Babylon's blog thru the B Dot C and found it to be much better than this public school teachers blog in Chicago. Somebody teaching in the Bronx is more interesting than my blog. Go read it.

Also, through Mista's site I found the amazing Tard-Blog. There is nothing wrong with laughing at it either.

While at boingboing I stumbled across these two articles( one and two) that put the kibosh on my own plans to liberate the giant inflatable Spongebob Squarepants from my local Burger King. I really don't have the slightest idea what anyone would do with one of those if they stole it though. Plus that Spongebob cat looks pretty goofy. Better not tell M.O.P. I said that tho.(link stolen from royalmagazine ).

Looks like I can thank Bol and Ian over at NFADK (too long to spell right now) for the increase in traffic due to my disdain for Kanye West and my love for the keyboard drummer. If either of you are in Indianapolis (and I type this because I know it'll never happen) I'll buy you some better beer than I drink.

Bad news for Grand Marquis. Wait for it. BOOM! HA HAAAAAA! FUGAZI! I've taken FUGAZI to the html now! It's 7.0 in this mug (inside joke...sorry to everyone else). WHAT?!?

And finally, I really wish I could somehow see some of those giant lumberjacks and huge cowboys (or even a Big Jack or two..) battling it out like that one Halloween episode on The Simpsons. I think that would be the coolest shit ever. If anyone knows of any links or movies then please let me know. I'm gonna slow down on the beer consumption so hopefully that will mean more posts. We shall see.

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