Tuesday, January 04, 2005

We Now Return To Our Regular Format
A Cautionary Tale For All Would-Be Rappers

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At least this dude writes his OWN shitty rhymes.

I think I've let the Kanye West stuff rock long enough for me to begin taking down other people I don't know. I mean, after talking to David Lindquist from the Indianapolis Star about this whole Kanyegate scandal and having him call me and bol irresponsible for starting all this shit, I kinda figure that I've done as much as I can. But don't count me out of this, as it is still picking up steam. For now though, I want to direct your attention to the single worst rap name ever.

See that kid up there?
This dude actually calls himself (and he must be oblivious to the double-meaning, or at least a homosexual) Lil' Browneye. Now I can't tell if this dude actually has brown orejas but I can say with confidence that I bet he has a browneye. Everyone does right? Right! But, how many people do you know who would actually create a rap-moniker that calls attention to it? There is no way that this kid knows that he is esentially calling himself Lil' Anus because if you look on his website you can tell that he is totally serious about his name. You can even listen to a song he wrote as Lil' Browneye (seriously, go look at his website...not to be missed). Now, I'm all for encouraging young musicians to develop their craft and I do think this cat needs to work REALLY hard to make some good music, but I'm not going to insult his music (you however, are encouraged to tell him what you think of his music) because that would be too easy. Instead, as a way to prove that I'm no hater of any kind, I have decided to help this young man change his name to Lil' Anus. If he insists on retaining the cliched Lil' prefix for his rap-name and continues on as Lil' Browneye than he will be lost in a myriad of other Lil' whatevers clogging up the rap game. However, if he follows my advice and embraces the Lil' Anus name then he will shine like a platinum chain in the drawer of other Lil' rappers. Plus, he could be all adament about his name whenever anyone tries to rip on him. For example:

Some guy: "Uhm, nice show uh..."
LA: "Lil' Anus dun. Respect!"
SG: "Waitaminnit-Lil' Anus? Like, an asshole? Are you serious?"
LA: "Hell jeah son, I like to poop, so I figured I'd rep my favorite body part. Gotta problem?"
SG: [rolling on the floor laughing hysterically] "Nope."

See? Plus, I bet he could get all sorts of media attention just for the name alone. Wouldn't you want to read an article about some guy that calls himself Lil' Anus? Well, maybe not the whole article, but wouldn't you want to know why someone would actually rep the Lil' butthole name?
I know I would because I'd be trying to figure out if it was a joke or not.
Well, whatever...
I can only hope he takes my advice and capitalizes on my brilliant idea before I sign and market my own female MC known only as Lil' Labia who will (no doubt) blow up with her first single "Notorious V.A.G." on chiseven records. Keep your ears to the streets ya'll. Small-town-Indiana-rappers are about to blow. Or suck. Whatever you prefer.
NEXT POST (unless something better comes up):
What the fuck happened to you O'Shea Jackson?
And in the spirit of Bol, let me just end with a big NO HOMO.

So I checked on the Lil' Brown Eye and listened to his tragically titled cut, "Explode". That's right, I listened to lil' browneye explode. His unfortunate combination of street name and song title keep reinforcing the the theme of Shit, and all that stinks like shit. Personally, I think that Lil' B. is a genius weaving together subtly, unsubtle themes like assholes and explosive releases of ass matter and fouled air. His ability to "shine" (as we in the rap game call it) overcomes his inability to connect his pubescent angst and unoriginal source material. I think we all need to listen to his message and find the Lil' Butthole on all of us.

I'm listening to mine right now!

What's that, lil' butthole?


You little stinker, no more peanuts for you!

You misunderstand.
I'm not equating his stupidity or poor-choice of name as an indication of homosexuality. All I'm saying is that if he's calling himself Lil' Browneye he's either:
A) Oblivious to the "browneye" slang.
B) Quite aware of the double-meaning and is sending a subtle message to those who would be interested in his anus.
Thus I venture to ponder his sexual orientation.
Not judge, mind you...



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