Thursday, March 24, 2005

My Stunted Mailbag


If There Is An Intelligent Kanye West Fan Out There They Don't Write Me E-Mail's

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"No porn today chiseven, but I do have some hate mail!"

I was going to post this up on Saturday but Blogger ate my post so I've been building up the courage to write this all over again. Also, great minds think alike, so Bol posted the same damn post the same day I did (a mailbag post, that is...) so I wasn't sure if I'd actually post this or not, but fuck it, what else do I have to do?

Anyhoo, I got to work on Saturday and found the following E-Mail from Grand Marquis' girlfriend. It warmed my heart so much that I wanted to share it with ya'll:

From: ********
Sent: Friday, Marcdh 18, 2005 11:16 PM
Subject: I Saw Your Crappy Shoe


I was on the internet the other day using ***'s settings on my computer and linked onto your blog, or piss poor excuse for a blog, I should say. Anyway, I linked to your site an saw that piece of shit shoe you submitted. I'm gonna say right here and now that you make me want to puke my fucking guts out. You are a dirty man with a filthy, filthy, mind Chiseven.

Next time you publish anymore of that shit art of yours heed these words. Your shoe makes Andre Serrano's pictures of used tampons look like the center panel of the sistene chapel. You should be on your fucking knees thanking Cassius Marcellus Coolidge showing that shit art can sell for high $. Dogs playing poker motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time you pick up a brush, marker, spray paint can, or piece of clay, pull your head out of your ass and take a look around, you talentless hack.

One Love,


Thank you for your kind words Alea. I have given up art to pursue a life of taping "The View." Thank you for showing me the error of my ways, you drunken KY whiskey-fiend, you.

So aside from recieving such encouraging letters, I also get mail from idiot Kanye West fans who seem to think that they must defend the honor of a man that I slandered on my blog. Which is fine, since I have enabled the comments, but I have to wonder why such inarticulate fools would actually take the time out of their day to post up ignorant and mispelled comments to defend some idiot college-dropout that has a bigger ego than his royalty checks. Perhaps these misguided souls have adopted Kanye's anti-college stance and feel the need to demonstrate the (rotten) fruits they have cultivated as a result. I don't know. What I do know is that spell-check isn't that difficult to use but these mu'fuckahs act like spelling words correctly is more of a suggestion than an established rule of language and communication. Either way, here is a standard comment dropped by these mouth-breathers, for your entertainment:

Anonymous writes:

How about this... whenever you grow up, and learn to respect G.O.O.D music, maybe ill finish the rest of your laim-brain article. You say Kanye's a "retard"? You wasted a lot of time on him writin up this whole lil so called article about him. He didnt go to college, and he still gettin crazy paid doin what he love to do. Hell, he could probably buy yo broke ass. It sounds to me like you wanna be this rich,teddy bear wearin,roca fella producin,hit makin nigga who you tryin to dis...I cant believe this. You actually came and put this bull shit on the internet! Damn, you might as well kiss his ass now, cause you couldnt get no lower than this...So BITCH...without wastin too much time... He killin yal niggas wit this lyrical shit/he got mayonaise colored cars,he push myrical whips...

Wow. In the first fragmented sentence there's already a reference to Kanye's "label" G.O.O.D. Music (which must stand for something...) so this tells me that this individual is really on Kanye's dick. Plus, how fucking retarded do you have to be to misspell "lame"? Is your helmet on too tight when you surf the internet or what man? Yes, Kanye probably could buy my broke ass, but it certainly wouldn't take much money since I'm just some broke white-kid from Indianapolis. Hell, if Kanye will buy me a big sack of that sticky green I'll post something about how awesome it is that Kanye samples other producers drums when they leave them open on their compositions (see that Scratch article for that refrence). The best part though, is how they attempt to use Kanye's poor lyrics as a way to put me in my place with the "mayonaise colored cars/I push MIRACLE whips" line. Look, that line is stupid. Miracle Whip is a salad-dressing. Look on the label. This little play on words is not really that clever. Who the fuck would pen a line about how awesome it is to drive semen-colored cars besides Kanye West? If your idea is that Kanye West is killing me with homo-erotic rhymes than he can win that battle kid, because I could care less about Kanye struggling to come to terms with his latent homosexuality within the homophobic hip-hop community. Otherwise, thank you for your comments you illiterate, anonymous dick-rider.

Finally, ett writes:

to me
Feb 24
People just hate on Kanye..You tellin me his music isnt betta den da wilson bitch...idk ...fuck u who wrote dis cuz kanye is making way more money den...YOU..soo jus think bout dat..n every 1 in da rap game respects him so hop off

These Kanye fans sure like to talk about how much money Kanye makes. Perhaps they are living vicariously through him or maybe it's just him posting as a Kanye West fan. As he is a man of dubious ethics, I wouldn't put it past him. Look, Kanye West makes more money than me and I'm fine with that. I may not be able to buy semen-colored cars but at least I can spell "miracle" and look at my college-degree chillin' in my desk-drawer. Word.
Well, the High-Life is beginning to take it's toll so I'll sign off.
Until next time...

ChiSeven is the man of the hour. Respect for callin out the bullshit, from politics to kanye. I tried to buy into his whole persona when he first came out. That whole jaws wired shut, rhyming thru the wire, all a fuckin gimmick to jump into the game. Now, he's the man that is supposed to bring back Common's career? Im scared about the end result. Thanks for calling out that Miracle Whip/Mayonaise trip. I was always baffled about that. Funny how some stupid nonsensical shit passes off as innovative metaphors to the mtv/106 & park culture.
audio1, don't get me started on how Kanye's faggotry is destroying Common's Electric Circus-era serious poetics in exchange for a deal selling gayhats.

Anyways, whoever you are who writes this quality stuff, that like abt mayonaisse ben(d)z / miracle whips is actual his most clever line of all. And given, he comes corny with the flow, but still (not only can he ride beats right, but), in a racial context, that line, yeah. Your insinuations abt latent homosexuality were pretty weak and jackassed. BUT I LUV THA BLOG, SHOW THEM BITCHEZ
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