Thursday, June 23, 2005

Fun With The Neighbor's Dog
OR
Psychedelic Mushrooms Will Shut Annoying Dogs Up


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One mushroom stem, some peanut butter and a cracker gets you this.


Now I don't hate dogs or anything, but my neighbors have some pretty fucking annoying dogs. I fight the urge to go across the street in the early morning when they're barking at everything and drop kick the little annoying-yelpers into oblivion every goddamn day. I never do this of course, because I realize that it's not necessarily the dogs fault that they're so annoying, but rather the blame should be placed upon my selfish-little-dog loving neighbors for neglecting these dogs so much that all they have to look forward to in their life is barking at the little mistakes that populate my neighborhood in the early morning when I'm trying to sleep. But I swear to God (or Yaweh or whatever) that if I ever see those dogs in the street without a leash then I'm gonna run over those fuckers like Bol once did. I'd run over them now if I didn't think that the ruts in my neighbors yard would point to me as the culprit. That, and I would imagine that since they ARE leashed I'd probably have a hell of a time unwrapping the leashes from my tires, so it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort. But now I have a solution...

I spoke with one of my friends about my dilemma and he related his recent triumph over his neighbors' annoying-bark-at-every-hour-of-the-day-dog. You see, he was trying to get some yard work done and this dog just kept barking at him for hours so he went inside and consulted his stash. He grabbed one stem from a dried mushroom (with psilocybin of course), chopped it up, mixed it with some peanut butter, put it on a cracker and gave it to the dog, which of course, ate it. About 20 minutes later my friend noticed that the dog wasn't barking, but it was sitting in the middle of the yard with it's legs sticking straight up in the air like it was dead. Fearing that he had caused the dog to escape the mortal coil, he made a barking sound at the dog and the dog slooooooowwwwly rolled over to one side and made a half-hearted attempt at a bark, which sounded more like a grunt. Over the course of an hour the dog finally made it's way to another side of the yard, on wobbly legs, where it stared into space for about 30 minutes or so. Then, for no reason, it just fell over like it was dead. My friend again made a noise and the dog perked it's ears back like it was listening to something verrry far away. This behavior continued until my friend lost interest and went inside. Now, four days later, the dog is still alive but it doesn't bark at anything. Ever.

Of course, you know what this means, dear readers:
It's time to make the neighbors dogs get right with the universe.
I have in my possession, one eighth of mushrooms, which I have consumed most of for (*ahem*) spiritual purposes and one stem (these are tiny neighbor dogs) chopped into tiny pieces and smeared in peanut butter on two crackers. Once it gets dark, all I have to do is set the bait and wait. Oh, and if you animal loving mother fuckers act like I'm dong harm to these dogs, ya'll must not be well-versed in the psilocybin-olympics. Recognize mu'fuckahs-this shit ( pun intended) is a "squeegee for your third-eye" (thank you Bill Hicks) that we humans shouldn't be so stingy to share with our animal friends. After all, doesn't man's best friend deserve to feel the grass grow and smell colors like the rest of us on drugs? I think so. I'll let ya'll know how this goes.


In other news, for those of you who know me personally, I've been a little down-and-out lately due to receiving the "it's not you-it's me" speech (which is a pretty lame cop-out) from my ex-lady-friend. But hey, fuck her, because I'm a sexxxy mu'fuckah. You ladies better recognize: chiseven is back on the market. Send your pictures and a brief bio to chiseven@gmail.com and I'll get back to you if I'm interested. Oh, and I saw Fantasy Liz yesterday and that chick is skinny...like,I-went-to-Las-Vegas-and-did-a-bunch-of-coke-and-meth-for-a
-week-straight-without-eating- skinny. Yikes. I also saw her playin' with her kid so I figured that I shouldn't commend her on her internet-dick-sucking technique. Some other day perhaps. Ya'll be good.
*out*

Comments:
could you give me a little bit of insight on specifics on he shrooms, no homo?

you act like i know exactly what the hell a stem does versus an 8th.

anyways, get that chick with a ban kanye sign. extra points if shes sucking dick while holding it. nhjic.
 
Fucking hilarious.
 
There is a reserved place with your name on it for twisted assholes. Can you be anymore sick? To even entertain the thought of drugging innocent animals is beyond repulsive. And you have to wonder why a SANE bitch would leave you. She probably woke up and realized she was with a disturbed fuck. She probably gave you an it's not you, it's me speech to escape unscathed, without being drugged to stay. Drugging innocent animals? You're truly disgusting!
 
Dear Chiseven,
I once stumbled upon your site months ago. I read the post "Hugo Chavez Ain't Scared..." and was hooked. Then I couldn't remember your sites name and lost it forever.
Then today, I was on zodiac digitals site, and saw a link, clicked it, and alas, it was you. Thank God I found your awesome blog again.
No homo on this post.
 
your'e an asshole,
You won't drug dogs, yet you drug other men at the local gay bar. You see the hypocrisy in that?
 
"And you have to wonder why a SANE bitch would leave you. She probably woke up and realized she was with a disturbed fuck."

No,no, she was cool with the small-animal sacrifices but she left me because I would keep giving the drugs we paid good money for to dogs who won't ever pay me back.

Oh, and those dogs are fine. They floated by my window a few days ago to thank me. We smoked a blunt too. Thanks for the comment!
 
> They floated by my window a few days ago to thank me.

Wow! Watch out comedians, like Luda he's coming for the number one spot.
 
Magic Mushrooms Kill dogs just so you know and yes it will be a small amount but it is really dangerous okay buddy so be careful.
 
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