Saturday, July 30, 2005
Let me say that before I had my horrific mayonnaise-incident that led me to swear it off forever, I was never a real big fan of mayo. I might put it in a tuna salad or a little bit on an egg sammich but I was never the type to really slather that shit on anything else. So really, the fact that I have sworn off mayo is not that big of a deal to me, but I think the REASON I swore off mayo is worth recounting, at least as a lesson to others so they don't have to endure the horror I went through. It was years ago, but I still remember it like it were yesterday...
It was sometime in the fall of 2000 and I was in my sophomore year at Ball State University (which really sucks btw) in the horrible shit-hole known as Muncie, Indiana. A few of my friends from high-school had moved up to Muncie to drink and party for a year or so and a few of them got a house together. These two were Ol Dirty Beck and Matty Digi (they were big on the Wu back then) and Matty Digi's two female cousins, Amy and the Juice (more on that name later). They all lived a few blocks from my place so when I wasn't in class or at home playin' Bond on the 64 then I was at their house puffin herbs and watching Kung-Fu flicks. Now I didn't really like Amy or The Juice but I could tolerate them after I was super blazed (which was most of the time) or if I had to wait for Matty or ODB to get back from class.
And Now for the story of the Juice...
The Juice was loose. In fact, this chick was a slut. I think I was the only friend of Matt's that didn't fuck her because I had heard the "whore-or" stories from my friends that had. Also, the Juice had a name ( I think it began with an "A") until she fucked Raw Dawg and pissed in the bed (which miraculously, never even soaked where Raw Dawg was sleeping right next to her). We called her the Juice after that incident because Raw Dawg and another friend Diggity D. compared notes and noticed that:
1)She gave sloppy mouth-full-of-saliva kisses (and bj's)
2)When she got wet it was like a faucet you couldn't turn off
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
3)After sex, when she would pass out, she would always piss in the bed (or couch) she slept on.
Seriously, this happened to at least 4 people I know. Her juicy ass got around kna'mean?
So we named her the Juice because she was a juicy girl. A juicy, slutty girl with bangs.
God how I hated those bangs. Hell, thanks to her I can't stand bangs on women. Eccch.
Anyway, she'd always smoke herbs with the crew that gathered at her house and sometimes she'd even contribute to the session so she was tolerated. One evening after I had finished writing some paper or something I decided it was time to get blazed so I grabbed the stash and copped a blunt from the store down the block on my way over to the house that ODB and Matty shared with the Juice and what's-her-name. When I got to the crib I found the Juice making a sandwich for dinner (like I said, the bitch was skinny cuz she ate like a bird). Neither Matty nor the ODB were there yet so I decided to kick it with her as she made her sandwich until those two got back.
As I was talking to her I noticed that she was smothering her sandwich with tons of Mayonnaise. In fact, she told me "I love mayonnaise, I could eat it on anything!" So I was like "cool juice, I'm gonna break up this herb so we can puff a blunt when those two get back" so I broke up the herbs and was about to roll the blunt when I realized that I had no idea how to roll a blizzy (this was back in my "I don't roll anything" days). I told the juice about my dilemma and she offered to roll the blunt so we could smoke when her roommates got back. She finished her sammich and then proceeded to remove the tobacco, stuff the blunt and then lick it all over so it would roll up right. She actually could roll a pretty good blunt. It looked kinda like this:
We waited a few minutes until ODB and Matty got back and then we lit the blunt. About halfway through the blunt I started noticing that there was something wrong with the blunt...it just didn't feel right. It was rolled well, so it wasn't running, but there was something odd about it so I asked everybody else if they thought it was strange. ODB thought it might be stale, the Juice didn't know what we were talking about and Matty said "You know, this may sound weird, but I think this blunt has a faint taste of like, mayonnaise or something. I dunno, maybe I'm just high." I took another puff and instantly tasted mayo. It was disgusting. That bitch has so much mayo-residue left in her juicy mouth after eating the sandwich that it tainted the blunt when she rolled it. Instead of a delicious blunt, all we got was a mayonnaise blunt. I puked in my mouth, swallowed it back down and snuffed the mayo-blunt out. Since then I have avoided mayo like the proverbial plague. So let this be a lesson to all you smokers out there:
Never, ever, ever, roll a blunt after you just got done eating something. In fact, don't let anyone else roll your blunts either, especially if they have a fondness for mayonnaise like the juice. Goddman you juice. Goddamn you.
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