Thursday, December 15, 2005

I Suspect That Cookie Puss Is The Greatest Food Ever Made

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"Hooray for Cookie Puss, whatever you are!"

Now mind you, I have no idea what this anthropomorphic cake from outerspace tastes like but upon appearance alone I can deduce that it is the tastiest food creation from outerspace I have ever laid mine eyes upon. For those of you not in the know concerning Cookie Puss's origins, I direct you to Carvel's web site, where Cookie Puss is a spokescake for the company and also this site, which I found via google. Apparently this cake swooped in from outerspace and pitched the idea of creating and selling an ice-cream/cookie/cake to Tom Carvel, the founder of Carvel, maker of cakes such as Fudgie the Whale and other stuff like that. Whatever happened doesn't really matter because soon after a crazy TV commercial was made to inform the public of this interplanetary confection. I've seen the commercial but I don't remember where and I've only been on the East Coast like once, years ago, so that may be when I saw the commercial, but that doesn't matter.

What matters is that I have finally found out how to get a Cookie Puss of my very own.

Quit that snickering.

As Carvel is not representing anywhere near Indianapolis Indiana, I did some research at the Carvel website so I could track down the nearest retailer of Cookie Puss. I had expectations of driving to Baltimore or something to satisfy my Cookie Puss curiosity but lo and behold, their website claims that my local Kroger's can make me a Cookie Puss. I thought this was too good to be true, so I decided to call a random Kroger with cake-making abilities to see if this was possible.

I chose Kroger 993-I at 1330 W. Southport Road because it was the biggest Kroger near me.
Here is the conversation:
Kroger person: Happy Holidays this is Travis. How can I help you?
C7: Uh, yeah, is this the bakery? You guys make cakes right?
KP: Yes sir.
C7: Okay, do you guys make a cake called (pause) Cookie Puss?
KP: (hesitating)Uhhh...(asks another employee)Do we make a cake called Cookie Puss?
other KP: (laughter)
KP: Uh, no we don't.
C7: Goddamit, they lied.
KP: Who lied?

But I was not discouraged so I chose another store from the list. Kroger #116-I, the closest Kroger to my crib, located at 680 Twin Aire Dr.
There I actually spoke to Pam (god bless you lady!) who actually called the Carvel supplier or whatever he is and she called me back after like two minutes. Unfortunately she called with bad news:
"He told me that the Cookie Puss is an East-Coast-only thing so if you want one you'll have to call someone on the East Coast or have Carvel ship it to you if you want it bad enough."
I thanked her for her efforts, hung up the phone and spat on the floor, much to the dismay of my boss, who happened to be standing nearby.

C7:"I can't get my Cookie Puss! Goddammit!"
Boss: (quizzical look in his eyes) "Sounds a bit more personal than I'd like to know about. And don't spit on the floors. It's unsanitary."

I kicked my computer in frustration and lamented my Cookie Puss-less fate. Denied! Why hath thou forsaken me Cookie Puss?!?!? When will I know your delicious outer-space taste?
So, that means I have to contact Carvel and check the logistics of this Cookie Puss shipping issue because goddammit, I want that cake. I shall check into this matter, dear readers and continue my quest for my anthropomorphic cake from outer space. Unless of course, one of you East Coast (U.S.A.) readers want to buy me a cake for my Birthday (and coincidentally, this blog's 2 year birthday) which occurs in February. Until then, I shall not rest, for want of cake.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Sweet Jesus Christ On A Crutch!
Kanye West Finally Successfully Sucks His Own Dick!

"Almost there!"

According to Kanye West has successfully fellated himself in front of another stunned reporter when asked about his second grammy nomination. Corey Moss, author of the afformentioned fluff-piece recently explained to chiseven in this mystuntedgrowth exclusive report:

"Okay, I was interviewing Kanye about how pissed off he'd be if he didn't win the album-of-the-year Grammy for his latest record and he started ranting about how people whose grandmothers die love his music and how hard he works for this music pushing buttons on a sampler and something about Jesus and the next thing I know, he's foaming at the mouth and all the sudden he just unbuckles his pants and starts sucking his own dick. I was shocked! I mean, Marilyn Manson had one of his ribs removed so he could do tht and he couldn't even suck his own dick! It was disgusting and amazing at the same time! Clearly Kanye's quest to bolster his own ego knows know bounds and he's not afraid to show it!"

According to Mr. Moss, West continued fellating himself as he clutched his diamond-encrusted Jesus piece until he finally took his own member out of his mouth and called John Legend and John Mayer (who were apparently waiting nearby in the shadows) over so they could finsh him off. Both apparently fought to be the one to finish him off but they were both denied by Satan who suddenly appeared in a flash of fire and brimstone and finished the job, leaving Kanye to ejaculate the latest album from Common onto John Mayer's cell-phone, causing the auto-dial to call West's cell-phone for the 502nd time that day. Kanye then thanked Satan for his help and promised Beazelbub that he would finish up his work on his album as soon as he found his copy of Eminem's drum CD. At this point, the details get hazy, as the reporter passed out from shock only to be revived later by a janitor sweeping up the floor. He quickly regained his wits and filed his story for mtvnews before contacting chiseven with this exclusive report.


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