Thursday, January 27, 2005

Bloggers Are Outraged!!!

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"Oh look, that man has a monkey on a chain that smokes and drinks! I better blog my outrage and tell everyone to complain because my delicate moral sensibilities have been violated!"

So for those of you who don't regularly peruse the links on the right, let me summarize an interesting phenomenon that has occured in the realm of blogs concerning a radio station in NYC, an "offensive" song about the Tsunami, and the psuedo-outrage that has successfully resulted in suspensions, apologies, a half-assed rap "dis" song and a lame-ass boycott where people ask companies to quit advertising on the offending station. I won't bother typing up a summary, but I will point you towards a few links that will get you up to speed:
Start here, scroll down and start reading from the bottom up.
Then, go here and I dunno, get outraged or something.
Take a deep breath and then read Wang's outrage.
Now yawn.

That's it. That's really about as much attention as the "scandal" demands but alot of people are outraged...that's right, OUTRAGED at how racist and offensive the song is. I mean, sure the song is unfunny and pretty mean, but really, who gives a fuck?
After all of this complaining and boycotting and contacting advertisers and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah there are still going to be racists and people that say offensive things, so what's the big deal? What is any of this outrage going to produce? Is your blog going to change the world? Fuck no. You can't change the world if I can't get Kanye's Grammy nominations revoked, so why try? Jin ain't gonna suddenly be a good rapper because he so boldly and assertivley wrote a "dis" rhyme aimed at a radio station (even though the actual content of said "dis" record is really boring and tame as far as "disses" go). All this angry typing ain't gonna do a thing but give you a false sense of accomplishment. Sheeeeiiit...

"But wait, they did successfully get some advertisers to quit advertising on the radio station!"

Well, sure right now when the heat is on Hot 97 , any corporration that knows a thing or two about PR is going to pull their advertising publicly and then return to advertising there privately. This gives you well-meaning bloggers the illusion of accomplishment and I hope you all enjoy it because it's fucking hollow. How dare you think you can stop the elaborate mechanisms of capitalism over an "offensive" remark with a letter writing campaign? You think McDonalds is going to stop advertising to a huge market because the radio station mocks Tsunami victims and Asians? HELL NO! Once this little controversy dies down McDonalds will be back to telling these hip-hop kids how much they should love shrinking their arteries with Big Mac's and French Fries. *Ba ba ba ba ba ba you're dumb as shit*

Here's the deal ya'll:
You don't like that offensive Tsunami shit? Don't listen to the radio station. Ignore them.
I don't even live near NYC and I can tell that this is just a blatant attempt to "out-controversy" (yeah, I coined a new word, WHAT?) Star & Buc when they return to the NYC radio market. That's why I don't give a fuck. Why play yourself as a champion of the downtrodden and the oppressed when you are really just a running-dog for a corporate entity?
Remember: Any publicity is good publicity and controversy sells. Don't deny it.

Also, bol is right when he brings up this point:
"what they're trying to do is no better than the people on the religious right who call and bitch to the FCC everytime they hear anything even slightly offensive on TV or the radio."
No doubt. I know all the blogs I've read this on tend to be pretty liberal so it's really pretty funny to see them behaving like the people they write entries about.
Also, I don't know about you but I'm a pretty tired of "liberals" being so goddamn serious about everything. Take that sense of outrage out of your ass and laugh unapologetically at racism.
Don't front like you didn't laugh your ass off while watching "Blazing Saddles". Don't front like you never laughed at some punchline in an emcee battle where one emcee made a crack on another emcees race/color or creed. I've got racist friends but I don't boycott them because I disagree with their opinions. Stop trying to act like you are the zenith of morality and ethics or you are no better than those religious conservatives that you seem so eager to mock.
Here's something funny to laugh at:
One of my black friends says that white people smell like "bologna."
I think that's hilarious. I wonder if we do?

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Why Is The Back Of Fat Joe's Head So Photogenic?

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Exhibit A

So I was flipping through this "Hip Hop Immortals" book my brother brought over to the crib and peepin' all the hip hop heads pictured with the shitty general description of the artists when I started to notice a disturbing trend with Fat Joe's pictures. Out of three pictures of Fat Joe, two are of the back of his head. I thought this was kind of weird until I was flipping through the latest issue of "Elemental" magazine and I saw another picture of the back of Fat Joe's head. Now I'm no fan of Fat Joe and I am certainly no fan of men, so I gotta ask:
What is so damn interesting about the back of Fat Joe's cranium?
I could understand if he had the hot-dog neck where the folds of fat crinkle up to look like a plump pack of franks, but he lacks this fat-man characteristic. If he had these tell-tale fat-roll-franks then I might suspect that the photographer was photographing his rhyme essence, the very spot in his body where he stores his rhymes, but this is not so. See exhibit B:
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See? No Hot-Dog Neck! So what's the deal?!?
The only thing I can see that is kinda interesting about the last picture is the fact that that little crease kinda looks like a mouth you might find on a jack 'o lantern, or the mouth of the Onyx logo (remember that? No? Well, here's a refresher...).
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I bet if Fat Joe just had someone draw the Onyx logo on the back of his dome he might be able to inspire Fredro Starr and Sticky Fingaz to give up the acting and get back to making rap songs about beating the shit out of bootleggers like on "Bacdafucup" but perhaps I'm just dreaming (and I think I am since those Onyx CD's they made after the 1st one pretty much sucked).
Either way, I still can't figure out what the deal is with the back of Fat Joe's neck. If this dude was smart he's be renting out the back of his neck to corporations for product placement since his back is photographed way more than his front. Can any of you explain this phenomenon to me? The mystery of Fat Joe's neck eludes me...
Still Coming:
The Rise and Fall of O'Shea Jackson.
I've been working on gathering info. It'll be worth the wait...

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

We Now Return To Our Regular Format
A Cautionary Tale For All Would-Be Rappers

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At least this dude writes his OWN shitty rhymes.

I think I've let the Kanye West stuff rock long enough for me to begin taking down other people I don't know. I mean, after talking to David Lindquist from the Indianapolis Star about this whole Kanyegate scandal and having him call me and bol irresponsible for starting all this shit, I kinda figure that I've done as much as I can. But don't count me out of this, as it is still picking up steam. For now though, I want to direct your attention to the single worst rap name ever.

See that kid up there?
This dude actually calls himself (and he must be oblivious to the double-meaning, or at least a homosexual) Lil' Browneye. Now I can't tell if this dude actually has brown orejas but I can say with confidence that I bet he has a browneye. Everyone does right? Right! But, how many people do you know who would actually create a rap-moniker that calls attention to it? There is no way that this kid knows that he is esentially calling himself Lil' Anus because if you look on his website you can tell that he is totally serious about his name. You can even listen to a song he wrote as Lil' Browneye (seriously, go look at his website...not to be missed). Now, I'm all for encouraging young musicians to develop their craft and I do think this cat needs to work REALLY hard to make some good music, but I'm not going to insult his music (you however, are encouraged to tell him what you think of his music) because that would be too easy. Instead, as a way to prove that I'm no hater of any kind, I have decided to help this young man change his name to Lil' Anus. If he insists on retaining the cliched Lil' prefix for his rap-name and continues on as Lil' Browneye than he will be lost in a myriad of other Lil' whatevers clogging up the rap game. However, if he follows my advice and embraces the Lil' Anus name then he will shine like a platinum chain in the drawer of other Lil' rappers. Plus, he could be all adament about his name whenever anyone tries to rip on him. For example:

Some guy: "Uhm, nice show uh..."
LA: "Lil' Anus dun. Respect!"
SG: "Waitaminnit-Lil' Anus? Like, an asshole? Are you serious?"
LA: "Hell jeah son, I like to poop, so I figured I'd rep my favorite body part. Gotta problem?"
SG: [rolling on the floor laughing hysterically] "Nope."

See? Plus, I bet he could get all sorts of media attention just for the name alone. Wouldn't you want to read an article about some guy that calls himself Lil' Anus? Well, maybe not the whole article, but wouldn't you want to know why someone would actually rep the Lil' butthole name?
I know I would because I'd be trying to figure out if it was a joke or not.
Well, whatever...
I can only hope he takes my advice and capitalizes on my brilliant idea before I sign and market my own female MC known only as Lil' Labia who will (no doubt) blow up with her first single "Notorious V.A.G." on chiseven records. Keep your ears to the streets ya'll. Small-town-Indiana-rappers are about to blow. Or suck. Whatever you prefer.
NEXT POST (unless something better comes up):
What the fuck happened to you O'Shea Jackson?
And in the spirit of Bol, let me just end with a big NO HOMO.

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