Thursday, March 24, 2005

My Stunted Mailbag

OR

If There Is An Intelligent Kanye West Fan Out There They Don't Write Me E-Mail's

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"No porn today chiseven, but I do have some hate mail!"



I was going to post this up on Saturday but Blogger ate my post so I've been building up the courage to write this all over again. Also, great minds think alike, so Bol posted the same damn post the same day I did (a mailbag post, that is...) so I wasn't sure if I'd actually post this or not, but fuck it, what else do I have to do?

Anyhoo, I got to work on Saturday and found the following E-Mail from Grand Marquis' girlfriend. It warmed my heart so much that I wanted to share it with ya'll:


From: ********@sbcglobal.net
Sent: Friday, Marcdh 18, 2005 11:16 PM
Subject: I Saw Your Crappy Shoe

Chiseven,

I was on the internet the other day using ***'s settings on my computer and linked onto your blog, or piss poor excuse for a blog, I should say. Anyway, I linked to your site an saw that piece of shit shoe you submitted. I'm gonna say right here and now that you make me want to puke my fucking guts out. You are a dirty man with a filthy, filthy, mind Chiseven.

Next time you publish anymore of that shit art of yours heed these words. Your shoe makes Andre Serrano's pictures of used tampons look like the center panel of the sistene chapel. You should be on your fucking knees thanking Cassius Marcellus Coolidge showing that shit art can sell for high $. Dogs playing poker motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time you pick up a brush, marker, spray paint can, or piece of clay, pull your head out of your ass and take a look around, you talentless hack.

One Love,

Alea

Thank you for your kind words Alea. I have given up art to pursue a life of taping "The View." Thank you for showing me the error of my ways, you drunken KY whiskey-fiend, you.

So aside from recieving such encouraging letters, I also get mail from idiot Kanye West fans who seem to think that they must defend the honor of a man that I slandered on my blog. Which is fine, since I have enabled the comments, but I have to wonder why such inarticulate fools would actually take the time out of their day to post up ignorant and mispelled comments to defend some idiot college-dropout that has a bigger ego than his royalty checks. Perhaps these misguided souls have adopted Kanye's anti-college stance and feel the need to demonstrate the (rotten) fruits they have cultivated as a result. I don't know. What I do know is that spell-check isn't that difficult to use but these mu'fuckahs act like spelling words correctly is more of a suggestion than an established rule of language and communication. Either way, here is a standard comment dropped by these mouth-breathers, for your entertainment:


Anonymous writes:

How about this... whenever you grow up, and learn to respect G.O.O.D music, maybe ill finish the rest of your laim-brain article. You say Kanye's a "retard"? You wasted a lot of time on him writin up this whole lil so called article about him. He didnt go to college, and he still gettin crazy paid doin what he love to do. Hell, he could probably buy yo broke ass. It sounds to me like you wanna be this rich,teddy bear wearin,roca fella producin,hit makin nigga who you tryin to dis...I cant believe this. You actually came and put this bull shit on the internet! Damn, you might as well kiss his ass now, cause you couldnt get no lower than this...So BITCH...without wastin too much time... He killin yal niggas wit this lyrical shit/he got mayonaise colored cars,he push myrical whips...


Wow. In the first fragmented sentence there's already a reference to Kanye's "label" G.O.O.D. Music (which must stand for something...) so this tells me that this individual is really on Kanye's dick. Plus, how fucking retarded do you have to be to misspell "lame"? Is your helmet on too tight when you surf the internet or what man? Yes, Kanye probably could buy my broke ass, but it certainly wouldn't take much money since I'm just some broke white-kid from Indianapolis. Hell, if Kanye will buy me a big sack of that sticky green I'll post something about how awesome it is that Kanye samples other producers drums when they leave them open on their compositions (see that Scratch article for that refrence). The best part though, is how they attempt to use Kanye's poor lyrics as a way to put me in my place with the "mayonaise colored cars/I push MIRACLE whips" line. Look, that line is stupid. Miracle Whip is a salad-dressing. Look on the label. This little play on words is not really that clever. Who the fuck would pen a line about how awesome it is to drive semen-colored cars besides Kanye West? If your idea is that Kanye West is killing me with homo-erotic rhymes than he can win that battle kid, because I could care less about Kanye struggling to come to terms with his latent homosexuality within the homophobic hip-hop community. Otherwise, thank you for your comments you illiterate, anonymous dick-rider.


Finally, ett writes:

to me
Feb 24
People just hate on Kanye..You tellin me his music isnt betta den da wilson bitch...idk ...fuck u who wrote dis cuz kanye is making way more money den...YOU..soo jus think bout dat..n every 1 in da rap game respects him so hop off

These Kanye fans sure like to talk about how much money Kanye makes. Perhaps they are living vicariously through him or maybe it's just him posting as a Kanye West fan. As he is a man of dubious ethics, I wouldn't put it past him. Look, Kanye West makes more money than me and I'm fine with that. I may not be able to buy semen-colored cars but at least I can spell "miracle" and look at my college-degree chillin' in my desk-drawer. Word.
Well, the High-Life is beginning to take it's toll so I'll sign off.
Until next time...
*out*

Saturday, March 12, 2005

MY SHOE IS FAMOUS

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Sorry for the big picture but I needed detail...

Sometime last summer I participated in this Sneaker Pimps show when it dropped through Indy last year by painting some shoes. I met one of the Australian dudes that run the shit and they hooked me up with some Air Force Ones (i think) to paint the night before the opening. I didn't really have much time to paint 'em up cuz I was busy with some job shit but I was able to come up with a little sumptin' sumptin' for the event. So I had a great time that night, drank Budweisers for free (Hell, I posted about it here), painted another shoe and then sent them on their way to tour the world.

Now like six months later I find that one of my shoes has popped up in a Finish Line catalouge.
That's it in the top right corner.
My friends shoes' also popped up near the bottom (the ones that say graffiti).
So that's cool.
Actually, my shoe is even sharing space with 50 cent and Jay-Z who are pictured on the previous page so now my shoe has been co-opted into some marketing appeal to the "urban" market.
So that sucks.
But oh well, it is nice to see my shoe again since I didn't get a picture of it the first time.


I want to know if this catalouge I got is just regional (going to Indianapolis only) or if it ships across the country. Who wants to stop by a Finish Line to pick up a catalouge so I can know how famous my shoe is? I'll even hook that person up with some music or some beer or whatever for the effort, so if you don't live in Indiana, stop by your local Finish Line so you can give me my sweet information. The comments are open. Go!
*out*

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I'll Tell You What I'd Do With A Bunch Of Money If I Had It

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You dumb bastard. Asimo can't eat cake.



So, I don't sit around and fantasize about what I'd do if I was rich most of the time but I was reading the various tributes to B.I.G. found thru those links to the right and I started thinking about how much money is made off of dead rappers. As I explored this thought with the aid of a tall 16oz. Champagne I began to think of the debates concerning B.I.G.'s G.O.A.T. status and I finally concluded that I have no interest in debating if he was the greatest rapper of all time or whatever. However, I would like to debate whether or not Biggie would have owned an Asimo if he was alive today. I'd like to think that this alternate-reality Biggie I speak of would have an Asimo (that robot up there).
One thing is certain, and that is that lots of people get rich at this rap game but not many of them ever really buy anything interesting. I mean sure, they buy alot of cars and jewelry and stuff that's real expensive and there's also cats like Questlove that take their money and buy a bunch of old records or whatever but you never hear of anybody doing any crazy eccentric shit like buying the Elephant Man's bones or Buying an Asimo to Roll Blunts. I think that's one of the reasons that hip hop/rap news/discussions bore me so much. Any time I go to one of these shitty hip hop/rap news pages it's all about some boring pro-wrestling drama. It's kind of wierd to say but I want to read some crazy shit like Cam'Ron talking about working with scientists to make a new color (except I'd rather it be anybody but Cam...). So that said, I was thinking about what I'd do if I was filthy rich with rap money and I came to the conclusion that it would be dope to have an Asimo.
I'm pretty sure that this robot can run and climb stairs and recognize people and all sorts of other ill shit so I'd venture it's pretty possible that these things could carry rappers weed and possibly roll blunts as well. Best of all, it can't rap so there's no need to let it rap on your tracks like those other weed carriers/crew members. I think somebody should let Ghostface Killah know that huge golden eagles that perch on your wrist are cool but robots that carry your weed and can run are cooler. Plus, it'd be pretty dope to see your favorite rapper pop out of some SUV with a few Asimo robots in tow instead of a bunch of random dudes nobody recognizes. In concert, the robot could dance and hold extra mic's while the rapper performs. Plus, if he falls off the stage like Trouble T-Roy it'll be no big deal cuz robots can't die. So with all that said, I'd like to open up the comments section with a question for the two people that read this blog:
Do You Think Biggie Would Have An Asimo If He Were Alive Today?
I think he would but I don't have any specific reason to claim this. Thoughts?


Also, as a reward for those who actually read this post, I have decided to post up a track from that new Beck album that's not out yet. I don't know the name, but who cares right?
It's yours for free until next week so download that shit.
*out*

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Anthony Kedis Was A Crackhead

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OR

Book Review: Scar Tissue by Anthony Kedis
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"Now I shoot up ozone!"

A few days ago I was at the library lookin' for a new book to read since my last foray into fiction produced a stinker (O'Brien's "Going After Cacciato") so I figured I'd go with some "guilty-pleasure" reading that I could breeze through real quick-like. I saw this book and figured that since I vaugley remembered hearing about Kedis being a heorin addict that It'd be a pretty entertaining read. Now by all the accounts that I've seen on say VH1's "Behind the Music" or whatever it was always implied that Kedis was just a former heroin addict but John Frusciante was the really fucked up one (you saw that video right?). But maaaan, Kedis wasn't a former heroin addict-he was a full blown addict and a goddamn crack-head when he wasn't on-stage.
Interesting.

(DISCLAIMER:Usually I'm not one for celebrity gossip, but since rap music is turning into Pro-Wrestling this week I figured I could do this book review since I don't post more often.)

There's also neat stories about Kedis's dad smoking his first joint with his son and loaning Anthony his girlfriend so he could lose his virginity and all other sorts of crazy stories about his drugged-out childhood. Besides the tantalizing crack-head confessions throughout the book, the best feature of the book is the development of the Chili Peppers through the years. The chapter on the making of "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" is really insightful and the story seems to be gaining momentum at this point.

Anyway, blah blah blah and all that shit because really, I like the RHCP so I figured this book would be fun to read. It was. If you want to buy it you can do so here but I bet you could find it in your local library and read it for free. I'd recommend that you read it for free because if Anthony Kedis makes any money on this book he just might relapse and blow all the profits on cocaine and other drugs like he does numerously throughout the book. If he does this then that makes us all enablers for his filthy habit, and that's just not cool.

I figured I'd leave ya'll with a few patented (and forbidden/illegal quotes) Kedis Crack-Head Confessionals:
"I remember one poignant night moment when I still had the house in the hills. I was driving down Beechwood at night getting high in my car. I came to a stop sign, and this car full of twenty-year old boys pulled up next to me. They looked over at me and said, "Hey Anthony!"...I was trying to ignore them , but I sneaked a glance at their car. One of them stared at me and said, "Hey, it's not him," and they drove off. That couldn't be him, because Anthony didn't look like a fucking ghost."
and
"As soon as you hit the pipe, boom, there's that familiar instantaneous release of seratonin in the brain, a feeling that's almost too good. You instantly start short-circuiting in your brain, because to get all that seratonin at once is so crazy and so intense that you're liable to stand up and take off all your clothes and go walking into the nieghbors house because you feel that good. And on one occasion I almost did that."

and finally (cuz I'm tired of transcribing this):
"One time I was smoking coke in the car and was way too high to drive safely, and I had a bunch of paraphernalia and drugs right under the seat. I must have been driving erradically, because a cop pulled me over. I got the window halfway down, and this young, vicious-looking LAPD cop shone his flashlight on me and said, 'Oh, Mr. Kedis! My bad! I'm sorry, sir, excuse me for the interruption, but I really have to tell you that this is a pretty dangerous area, so you might want to exercise caution around here. You have a good night now.'"

What a lucky crack-head.
On a Side Note:
Anyone know where I can host some mp3's for free so I can share some music with ya'll?
*out*

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