Wednesday, May 18, 2005

GODDAMMIT! FUCK! SHIT! COCKSUCKER-MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!
or
I've Moved!
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"A whole neighborhood fulla crackas! NOOOOOOOOO!"

So I got booted out of my crib rather unceremoniously on Sunday and I now find myself in a new place which is much better than my previous pad (as far as creature comforts go) but a little more expensive and closer to neighbors. For the last 9 months I've had the benefit of living a good distance from my neighbors so I've been free to take all kinds of psychedelic mushrooms and communicate with nature naked. I never actually did any of that but I did relish being able to step out of my front door (if one of my roommates was using the only bathroom) and piss all over a tree or small woodland creature or whatever.

Unfortunately the golden age is over (get it? get it?) and I now find myself living in a neighborhood where all the homes are stacked together as close as possible. If it wasn't bad enough that I actually have to live next to people, I also have to live with a bunch of goddamn cracka-ass-crackas next to me. Understand dear reader, that these crackas are unlike anything you have experienced, for they are the Indiana (or "Hoosier" if you prefer) crackas and they are of a unique breed. I'll explain more in the next few posts. I should also point out that I am a cracka myself, but I have a superiority complex over my fellow crackas for no good reason.

Also, a number of policemen live in my neighborhood so I can't start the meth lab I've been planning on creating. Perhaps I'll install a moonshine still in my backyard. Is that illegal?

I dunno, but I have a mixed feeling of dread and delight when I anticipate all the neighborhood drama I will get to witness now that I'm in one of these manufactured neighborhoods and all the cracka-ass children are out of school. At least this place has a neighborhood pool where I can scope the MILF's and their "blossoming" daughters. Plus it sounds like my neighbor plays speed-metal guitar in the afternoons so that should be fun to listen to as I pop another Champagne and let the neighborhood entertain me. As soon as I get the internets hooked up I'll start posting up pictures of the crazy shit I see regularly. Expect mullets. Lots and lots of mullets. You have been warned.
*out*

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My Shitty Record Reviews

OR

Two Reasons I'll Never Get Paid To Write About Music


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So I went to Best Buy today cuz I had a gift certificate to use and I figured I might be able to find something new to listen to. In fact, I found two albums to listen to and I wanted to share the experience with you. I picked up "Jam Room" by Clutch (which I thought was new but apparently it's a re-release but it's new to me...) and it fucking rocks. If you don't know who Clutch is then I pity you, but I don't hold it against you. Go do yourself a favor and visit their site that I linked to above.
If you insist on not visiting their site then I'll go ahead and describe them as some good-ol'-boys who love to make foot-stompin' rock n' roll. Their music consists of lots of crunchy guitars, wha-wha pedals and a bass player who can lock down a solid groove with the drummer. The singer sings about stuff like catfish bones and cornbread and he has an awesome gruff growl that most rock singers wish they possesed. The last time I saw these guys at my local-sub-par venue the singer was rockin' a thicker beard than Abe Lincoln and screaming about Jesus on the dashboard. It was great. Of course, that has nothing to do with their music but I think the rock factor is increased ten-fold if you have a singer with a huge beard. I also just made that up.
Either way, if you can appreciate some good foot-stompin' rock that makes you want to yell like a drunken sailor then Clutch is for you. Also, if you ever can, go catch these guys at your local bar when they come through town. They don't charge much for admission but they rock like everyone paid a hundred dollars for a ticket. They are (for my money) the most rockin' band out there and you are a sad individual if you like rock and don't own any Clutch. Oh yeah, this album is just one big 15 track jam with lots of drum breaks and grooves that will break your neck. That's the review.

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I guess this came out today so I picked it up and thought "Do I have any weed? Yes I do." so I bought this crazy shit knowing that I'd have to be smokin' while listening to it eventually. I listened to it once without the herbal influence and it's pretty much as weird as the first Quasimodo album. (By the way if you don't know who Quasimodo is then I have no idea why you are here at my site since I figure both djxplicit and the 2 other people that read this are up on underground hip-hop. If you need help go to Stones Throw and learn.)
So anyway, Madlib's sped-up voice is back for another adventure and it's pretty fucking weird to my sober mind. The album is pretty slow in spots but it makes up for the slow tempos with the strange sound-clips that pop in and out of the tracks. Also, madlib re-uses a bunch of samples he's already used ( kinda like that One Beer song on MF Doom's new album that's also on Jaylib). If you've heard Madvillany then you'll recognize some audio snippets throughout the album. Still, this album is either genius or garbage. I tend to think it's more of the first than the last, but I would figure that most people will either love or hate Lord Quas so it could go either way. If you appreciate all kinds of music and experimentation then you'll probably dig this shit, but if you want some crappy experimental "hip-hop" then I would suggest buying some Anticon.
On a side note, I'd like to voice my disdain for Anticon right now:
I have never heard shittier music in my life. Fucking Lincoln Park is more hip hop than them.
Also, Dose-One is the most annoying rapper ever. He sounds like he's holding his nose when he rhymes. *Echhhhh!* End rant.
Anyhoo, I dig this Quas album cuz I know what to expect and I'm pretty sure that once I start blazin' the ism and bumpin this in the Taco (Toyota Tacoma) I'll love this like the first album.
A few good tracks that stand out in my mind are: Rappcats pt. 3, Closer, and The Exclusive.
Also, I don't really feel dissapointed with this album like most hip-hop I hear these days. Yay!
A question for you, dear readers:
Do you know anyone who likes Quasimodo but does not smoke weed?
I sure don't but I suspect they exist.
*out*

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