Thursday, June 23, 2005

Fun With The Neighbor's Dog
OR
Psychedelic Mushrooms Will Shut Annoying Dogs Up


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
One mushroom stem, some peanut butter and a cracker gets you this.


Now I don't hate dogs or anything, but my neighbors have some pretty fucking annoying dogs. I fight the urge to go across the street in the early morning when they're barking at everything and drop kick the little annoying-yelpers into oblivion every goddamn day. I never do this of course, because I realize that it's not necessarily the dogs fault that they're so annoying, but rather the blame should be placed upon my selfish-little-dog loving neighbors for neglecting these dogs so much that all they have to look forward to in their life is barking at the little mistakes that populate my neighborhood in the early morning when I'm trying to sleep. But I swear to God (or Yaweh or whatever) that if I ever see those dogs in the street without a leash then I'm gonna run over those fuckers like Bol once did. I'd run over them now if I didn't think that the ruts in my neighbors yard would point to me as the culprit. That, and I would imagine that since they ARE leashed I'd probably have a hell of a time unwrapping the leashes from my tires, so it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort. But now I have a solution...

I spoke with one of my friends about my dilemma and he related his recent triumph over his neighbors' annoying-bark-at-every-hour-of-the-day-dog. You see, he was trying to get some yard work done and this dog just kept barking at him for hours so he went inside and consulted his stash. He grabbed one stem from a dried mushroom (with psilocybin of course), chopped it up, mixed it with some peanut butter, put it on a cracker and gave it to the dog, which of course, ate it. About 20 minutes later my friend noticed that the dog wasn't barking, but it was sitting in the middle of the yard with it's legs sticking straight up in the air like it was dead. Fearing that he had caused the dog to escape the mortal coil, he made a barking sound at the dog and the dog slooooooowwwwly rolled over to one side and made a half-hearted attempt at a bark, which sounded more like a grunt. Over the course of an hour the dog finally made it's way to another side of the yard, on wobbly legs, where it stared into space for about 30 minutes or so. Then, for no reason, it just fell over like it was dead. My friend again made a noise and the dog perked it's ears back like it was listening to something verrry far away. This behavior continued until my friend lost interest and went inside. Now, four days later, the dog is still alive but it doesn't bark at anything. Ever.

Of course, you know what this means, dear readers:
It's time to make the neighbors dogs get right with the universe.
I have in my possession, one eighth of mushrooms, which I have consumed most of for (*ahem*) spiritual purposes and one stem (these are tiny neighbor dogs) chopped into tiny pieces and smeared in peanut butter on two crackers. Once it gets dark, all I have to do is set the bait and wait. Oh, and if you animal loving mother fuckers act like I'm dong harm to these dogs, ya'll must not be well-versed in the psilocybin-olympics. Recognize mu'fuckahs-this shit ( pun intended) is a "squeegee for your third-eye" (thank you Bill Hicks) that we humans shouldn't be so stingy to share with our animal friends. After all, doesn't man's best friend deserve to feel the grass grow and smell colors like the rest of us on drugs? I think so. I'll let ya'll know how this goes.


In other news, for those of you who know me personally, I've been a little down-and-out lately due to receiving the "it's not you-it's me" speech (which is a pretty lame cop-out) from my ex-lady-friend. But hey, fuck her, because I'm a sexxxy mu'fuckah. You ladies better recognize: chiseven is back on the market. Send your pictures and a brief bio to chiseven@gmail.com and I'll get back to you if I'm interested. Oh, and I saw Fantasy Liz yesterday and that chick is skinny...like,I-went-to-Las-Vegas-and-did-a-bunch-of-coke-and-meth-for-a
-week-straight-without-eating- skinny. Yikes. I also saw her playin' with her kid so I figured that I shouldn't commend her on her internet-dick-sucking technique. Some other day perhaps. Ya'll be good.
*out*

Thursday, June 09, 2005

19 O'Clock And Everything is Pipe
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Hear for yourself.


Now I may be drunk on nostalgia here, but may I be so bold as to claim that "The Adventures of Pete & Pete" was the best goddamn tv show I have ever seen? I think I just did. Any show that featured Iggy Pop as a secondary character and had Hunter S. Thompson do a cameo would obvioulsy have to be great, and luckily, Pete and Pete was that and more. Of course, I haven't seen the actual show in years but from what I can remember it was the quirkiest, wierdest, and funniest show I've ever seen BEFORE Arrested Development came out. Back in the glory days of living with my parents in the 8th grade I can remember watching cable tv for the entire summer, trying to balance the "neighborhood" basketball games with the ever-changing time slot of Pete and Pete. Man, that show was my ganja before I ever smoked. Shit had me hooked (this "no homo" is dedicated to djxplicit for his eternal vigilance).

I've been looking in video stores and the internets for years trying to find copies of old episodes and only finding shitty bootleg copy's off of fansites (which looked much to shady to purchase). I even contemplated tatooing "Petunia" onto my arm so I could watch her hypnotic dance and be reminded of my favorite show but I never followed through. For years I wandered like a man in the desert searching for water or like a man in search of an appropriate metaphor. As my writing indidcates, I found none of the above, but plenty of frustration for my efforts.

Now Nickelodeon has answered my prayers and provided a reason to get up in the morning.
That's right ya'll, Nick finally issued a DVD for the first Season of Pete and Pete with the other two seasons due in the next couple of years (or more realsitically, possibly released, depending on the sales of the first season). All I know is I can't wait to cop this DVD soon and watch it on my roommates DVD player while drinking the champagne and gettin' lifted and singing along to the opening theme: "ay yi yi yes indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!" Life does not get much better than watching Artie "the Strongest Man in the World" keeping the streets of Wellsville safe without the aid of any Krebstar products. Maybe I'll even invite Fantasy Liz over to watch with me.

In other news, I'll be pretty goddman busy this weekend with work but I promise to update if I possibly can before Monday. If not then, certainly on Tuesday. I'll try and toss up another post at ye olde B dot C if I can, but the readers seem to resent the guest posts so I might keep that shit on the back-burner. Seems kinda funny that the people with the most criticism with those posts are the ones who don't blog or choose not to link to their blog. Everyone's a critic I guess.
*out*

Sunday, June 05, 2005

MEET MY NEIGHBOR


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us


As both of my readers know I recently moved into a suburban housing complex where they try and cram as many similar-looking houses into a small area (usually some old field a farmer no longer farms) so they can entice people looking for a new affordable home to move in and create some sort of neighborhood. Mainly the neighborhood aspect fails (at least in this neighborhood) because many residents are more concerned with yelling at their "little mistakes" than establishing relationships with those around them. Now granted, I have had a teenage neighbor come over and introduce himself, but since he chose to pontificate his disdain for Homosexuals and Mexicans, I don't really consider him an equal, or for that matter, a human being. In short, my neighbors are little more than un-educated crackas who think that because I'm Caucasian I will join their "White-Pride Ride" down the streets of Wanamaker, Indiana.

Of course, there are exceptions to this rule.

I could bore you with the details of how I found out that one of my neighbors is a stripper/escort, but no one really cares as long as I give up the address to her homepage. So in the intereest of keeping you two interested in my ramblings I now offer you the key to my neighborhood salvation:


Please visit the spot Go ahead, open up a new window and visit my favorite new neighbor.

I first noticed Fantasy Liz about 2 years ago when I moved into the neighborhood and noticed her walking her "little mistake"(this was before I moved out to eventually move back but I digress...). At first I was like "Damn that's a fine MILF!!!" but then later(about 10 days ago) I found out through my brother that she is an established stripper with a webpage. So now that I have internets access I do my best to visit my friendly neighbor as often as my cable modem allows. Now instead of oogling her through binoculars I can oogle her via the internets, which is much more comfortable. Yay!

Either way, I think it's awesome that at least one of my neighbors has found a way to escape the white-trash confines of my neighborhood by posting pictures of herself sucking dick on the internet. If any of my neighbors looked anywhere near as hot as Liz I would definately encourage them to try their hand at the internet stripper/escort game but since she's the best looking Caucasian in the 'hood I gotta give props. So hey, if any of you dear readers are up for donating a small monetary fee so I can rent Fantasy Liz for an evening and blow her back out feel free to drop me a line (or a check) at chiseven@gmail.com. Otherwise, just bookmark her site and laugh at the fact that there's some soft-core porn being documented in my neighborhood while I sit here and type out little blog-enties without getting any of that poo-nanny. My neighborhood rules.

*out*

Friday, June 03, 2005

I'm Back In The Game This Sunday


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us


Ninjas killed my family this May and my life has been a never-ending quest for vengance since.
I found them and killed their families and have been drunk on sake until recently. I just recently sobered up...so sorry 'bout that.
Plus, this Sunday I get the internets hooked back up at the crib so I'll be back online to share my brilliance with the rest of you fools. Just so you know.
*out*

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?