Saturday, July 30, 2005

Why I Will Never Ever Ever Ever Eat Mayonnaise Again (nhjic)

Let me say that before I had my horrific mayonnaise-incident that led me to swear it off forever, I was never a real big fan of mayo. I might put it in a tuna salad or a little bit on an egg sammich but I was never the type to really slather that shit on anything else. So really, the fact that I have sworn off mayo is not that big of a deal to me, but I think the REASON I swore off mayo is worth recounting, at least as a lesson to others so they don't have to endure the horror I went through. It was years ago, but I still remember it like it were yesterday...

It was sometime in the fall of 2000 and I was in my sophomore year at Ball State University (which really sucks btw) in the horrible shit-hole known as Muncie, Indiana. A few of my friends from high-school had moved up to Muncie to drink and party for a year or so and a few of them got a house together. These two were Ol Dirty Beck and Matty Digi (they were big on the Wu back then) and Matty Digi's two female cousins, Amy and the Juice (more on that name later). They all lived a few blocks from my place so when I wasn't in class or at home playin' Bond on the 64 then I was at their house puffin herbs and watching Kung-Fu flicks. Now I didn't really like Amy or The Juice but I could tolerate them after I was super blazed (which was most of the time) or if I had to wait for Matty or ODB to get back from class.

And Now for the story of the Juice...
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The Juice was loose. In fact, this chick was a slut. I think I was the only friend of Matt's that didn't fuck her because I had heard the "whore-or" stories from my friends that had. Also, the Juice had a name ( I think it began with an "A") until she fucked Raw Dawg and pissed in the bed (which miraculously, never even soaked where Raw Dawg was sleeping right next to her). We called her the Juice after that incident because Raw Dawg and another friend Diggity D. compared notes and noticed that:
1)She gave sloppy mouth-full-of-saliva kisses (and bj's)
2)When she got wet it was like a faucet you couldn't turn off
3)After sex, when she would pass out, she would always piss in the bed (or couch) she slept on.
Seriously, this happened to at least 4 people I know. Her juicy ass got around kna'mean?

So we named her the Juice because she was a juicy girl. A juicy, slutty girl with bangs.
God how I hated those bangs. Hell, thanks to her I can't stand bangs on women. Eccch.
Anyway, she'd always smoke herbs with the crew that gathered at her house and sometimes she'd even contribute to the session so she was tolerated. One evening after I had finished writing some paper or something I decided it was time to get blazed so I grabbed the stash and copped a blunt from the store down the block on my way over to the house that ODB and Matty shared with the Juice and what's-her-name. When I got to the crib I found the Juice making a sandwich for dinner (like I said, the bitch was skinny cuz she ate like a bird). Neither Matty nor the ODB were there yet so I decided to kick it with her as she made her sandwich until those two got back.

As I was talking to her I noticed that she was smothering her sandwich with tons of Mayonnaise. In fact, she told me "I love mayonnaise, I could eat it on anything!" So I was like "cool juice, I'm gonna break up this herb so we can puff a blunt when those two get back" so I broke up the herbs and was about to roll the blunt when I realized that I had no idea how to roll a blizzy (this was back in my "I don't roll anything" days). I told the juice about my dilemma and she offered to roll the blunt so we could smoke when her roommates got back. She finished her sammich and then proceeded to remove the tobacco, stuff the blunt and then lick it all over so it would roll up right. She actually could roll a pretty good blunt. It looked kinda like this:
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We waited a few minutes until ODB and Matty got back and then we lit the blunt. About halfway through the blunt I started noticing that there was something wrong with the just didn't feel right. It was rolled well, so it wasn't running, but there was something odd about it so I asked everybody else if they thought it was strange. ODB thought it might be stale, the Juice didn't know what we were talking about and Matty said "You know, this may sound weird, but I think this blunt has a faint taste of like, mayonnaise or something. I dunno, maybe I'm just high." I took another puff and instantly tasted mayo. It was disgusting. That bitch has so much mayo-residue left in her juicy mouth after eating the sandwich that it tainted the blunt when she rolled it. Instead of a delicious blunt, all we got was a mayonnaise blunt. I puked in my mouth, swallowed it back down and snuffed the mayo-blunt out. Since then I have avoided mayo like the proverbial plague. So let this be a lesson to all you smokers out there:

Never, ever, ever, roll a blunt after you just got done eating something. In fact, don't let anyone else roll your blunts either, especially if they have a fondness for mayonnaise like the juice. Goddman you juice. Goddamn you.

Friday, July 22, 2005

This picture is a metaphor for this blog. Figure it out yourself though. I shall not explain.
I must ask for your forgiveness as I know I'm really really lame at posting regularly.
I just don't have anything interesting to comment on everyday or sometimes even weeks for that matter. Go to the b dot c if you want regular updates, but stop by here occassionally for some new rant or account of how I waste good drugs on dumb animals. As usual, I don't have anything to pontificate but I figured that ya'll should be reading the good shit I'm reading, so there. It's been a minute since I've just hooked it up with links only, so here goes:
Read Matt Taibbi, as he is one of the few American journalists writing anything worth reading.
This week he deconstructs the whole cult of Karl Rove. Brilliant as usual.
Greg Palast is another American journalist worth reading. Not only is he truthful about the corruption and deceit he uncovers, he's also pretty goddamn funny. Go!
I discovered Drawn! through boingboing (Linked to on the right) and have visited it everyday since. If you like anything concerning illustration then I suggest you visit there soon.
That gentleman pictured above is my favorite agent of evolution, Bill Hicks. His best friend just recently published a biography of him that looks to be much better than the other bio called "American Scream" which was pretty tepid. I ordered it a few days ago, so when I finish the book I'll post up a review. If you don't know who Bill Hicks is then do yourself a favor and visit the sacred cow site that I linked to. And squeegee your third eye bitches!
This is great for killing time at work. Of course, I would never do that, but if you want to...
I love loteria cards. You should too. Who wants to buy me some? I can't find them here at my local supermercados or tiendas. What the deal Indianapolis?

Ok, enough links. Thanks to the local library system I 've also been checking out Cd's and DVD's from the libraries around here. Here's some short reviews of what I've checked out recently:

Team America
Besides the hilarious music this movie really is just mediocre. Could have been much shorter but most of the jokes were funny even if I only laughed out loud once. America...FUCK YEAH!

Kill Bill (One and Two)
Much better to watch when you don't have to sit around mu'fuckahs who answer their goddamn cell phones at the movie. I still like the first one better than the second one. Worth watching.

The Perceptionists-Black Dialouge
Akrobatick is pretty boring to listen to and the beats aren't my favorite but there are a few gems on here. Worth renting from the library to copy. Not worth buying for full price.

Prince Paul-Itstrumental
Prince Paul is a weird dude who just can't make music like he used to. This album is funny (of course) but I can't stand his fucking keyboard sounding drums. It is pretty awesome to hear his son (or at least it's supposed to be) say: "I saw my dad eating out of a garbage can with nothing but a pair of Timbalands on sayin' something like 'I get raw!'" His album is about as satisfying as seeing him live. If you've seen him then you know it's dissapointing. Too bad P. Huston!

Ali ShaheedMuhammad-Shaheedullah and stereotypes (don't click on that link)
No fucking wonder Tribe broke up. This shit is on some save the world bullshit with marginal musical compositions. A lesson to all producers: you can sample great portions of others compositions but you better be musically gifted to make your own music away from the sampler. Ali should heed this advice. What a tepid and boring album. It drones on and on...

I'm done with this. Leave a comment about what you'd like to see here. I'm open to suggestions. Maybe I should get some guest contributors or something. Let me know.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

These Idiots In Flordia Have Got It All Wrong
Why We Need More Florida Homosexuals

So I'm over at Blah3 checking out the latest news on the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame scandal hoping that Rove gets fed to the wolves like the fat pig-bastard scum-fucker that he is when I come across this article. Now, in case you click on the link and it takes you to a registration page and you don't want to sign up (and I can't blame you if you don't) I have taken the liberty of pulling the most relevent information out of the article and pasting it onto my blog like an intellectual thief (or plagarist, whichever you prefer). I do this for you of course, and think nothing of violating intellectual laws because ya'll need to be on the same page as me as I formulate my post, and that is the most important part of all.

Anyhoo, a bunch of goddamn Christians in a diversity committe for the Broward County schools in Florida (or at least, I assume they are a bunch of Christians...who else spends a big amount of their time worrying about homosexuality?) that probably look a lot like these crackers to my left, decided not to show a video that promoted tolerance and diversity to the kids in their schools because they think the video "could confuse children about the difference between family members and strangers and open the door to discussion about sexual orientation." In fact, "Officials with the Broward County Christian Coalition, who viewed the video after hearing from a diversity committee member, said the underlying message of the DVD and accompanying teaching material promoted a homosexual agenda." Now of course, as the article says, "The controversy stems not from any explicit mention of homosexuality in the video -- there isn't any -- but from its theme that people are all part of one big family, a message that, critics contend, could be construed to include pedophiles and other criminals. They also fear that the video could blunt other important messages for kids of that age, like the importance of being wary of strangers."

Now look, I understand that parents want to save their children from all those strangers and pedophiles in Florida so that their kids can grow up right AND THEN become meth-addicts like so many others in the sunshine state, but these goddamn parents have got it all wrong. We, as a nation, desperately need more homosexual children, and we need more Florida homosexual children than ever before ( I wonder if I get a bunch of traffic from google because of that sentence?). Please allow me to explain myself:

As I have discussed before, Fundamentalist Christianity needs to be destroyed for the good of our nation. I would now like to extend that argument to include all well-meaning Christians in positions of power. See, these Christians in the diversity committe only want to save their children from the insidious menace that is homosexuality because they want their children to grow up as Christians and reproduce more Christians until they can finally do all the kooky shit that they think the bible tells them they should do in order to be better Christians. This is where they have it all wrong. We do not need any more heterosexual children in this nation (as evidenced by all the "little mistakes" in my neighborhood) and we certainly don't need any more heterosexual children in Florida because that implies that we actually value heterosexual children. This is certainly not the case, because heterosexual children reproduce. And, as I'm sure most of the world will agree with me on this one, we certainly don't need any more heterosexual Americans telling other people how to live their life (except for me of course) because those mu'fuckahs are boring as shit. For the sake of a better dressing and more humorous nation (you know what I just implied...) we must encourage our children to be homosexuals because we don't need any more Americans reproducing and continuing the cycle of fucking up the world. And that goes double for you mu'fuckahs in Florida who helped George Bush win the election and exported marginal musicians like Fred Durst and Vanilla Ice to the rest of the 49 states and for that matter, the world. All of this catastrophy could have been avoided if these rat-bastards in Florida weren't reproducing like, well... rats. Think of how much pain and suffering you have had to endure because of Floridians reproductive tendencies: Limp Bizkit, Katharine harris, Jeb Bush's coke-head daughter, the career of Uncle Luke AFTER 2 Live Crew and many other horrific atrocities perpetrated upon an unsuspecting world. Obviously my argument is sound so you must agree with what I write.

So let's stop trying to keep our kids heterosexual when it's obviously much better to encourage the slow gradual death of the dominating culture that ruins this world for the rest of us. Do your part and raise your Floridian (or any American) children(but mainly Floridians) gay so we can all enjoy living life without being concerned about the agendas that imaginary puppets on pbs may or may not be promoting to children. Oh, and burn an American flag like I did on July 4th. You don't even need to soak it in gas or anything 'cause those mu'fuckash were made to burn, and it's not illegal yet. In conclusion, the High-Life is beginning to kick in and I'm having trouble typing so I'm signing off. There's your new post noodles. Send me that spare change.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Scientologists Are Fucking Crazy

So we all know that Tom Cruise is crazy thanks to this clip over here where he tells Oprah that he's in love with Katie Holmes (who btw is easily the most disappointing celebrity to see with her shirt off) and that with Scientology he can do shit like shock people with purple lightning. Now honestly, I could care less about Tom Cruise, but this little animated clip to my right made me think of how fucking stupid Scientologists are. Any "religion" that has John Travolta and Kirstie Alley as members just must be stupid, simply by implication. I've been kinda curious about Scientology because all these celebrities always talk about how awesome it is but they never really talk about what the fuck it means to be a Scientologist. I mean, when you talk to a Christian, you're probably going to hear about Jesus, but you never hear these Scientology people talking about how they believe that alien spirits cause problems with their body and Scientology is a way to repair their damage. I'm not making that up either. That's what these people (when they get to a certain level within the group) eventually find out if they get real serious about Scientology. This site will tell why these people are crazy. Read it and laugh, but don't let Xenu hear.

So anyway, as you can tell, Scientology is obviously a scam created by a hack-Science Fiction writer in the 1950's. Seriously, this dude was nuts. Go here for the scoop. Of course, he may be nuts, but he was no fool as far as getting tax-exempt status for his cult. Which leads me to the conclusion that if you are a Scientologist then you believe in some pretty wacky shit, but you're probably a rich mu'fuckah that can afford to be eccentric. Okay, that's enough about Scientology. I just wanted to post that animated gif. and I figured I'd better write something to go with it. God it's awesome watching Oprah shake like that. It's so hypnotic!

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