Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Return
(That image is what I got when i typed in "I'm back!" at google images. Works for me.)

So I finally got the internets hooked up at the crib which means that I should be back to posting with the frequency that I used to when I first started this blog damn near two years ago, back in the salad days when I had an internet connection at home and could share my witty ramblings with all who stumbled upon my site before deciding to go over to someone else's blog. This of course, means that I can now post more often rather than trying to post from work when no one is paying attention (which is increasingly difficult these days) so here we go. It's time for stories.

So a few weeks ago, I picked up a prostitute.
Now mind you, when I picked up this lady of the evening I had no idea that she was a prostitute but I quickly discovered that: a)I'm a fucking idiot and b) I'm way too trusting and nice when it comes to helping people out. Here's the story:

I drove over to my local video store to return a video and to stop by so I could satisfy my snickering quota for the day. One thing I love about my crappy video rental store is the fact that it is really cheap and it caters to really dumb people who don't mind spending $3 to watch "I Got The Hookup" starring Master P. Also, it has a porn room in the back which is frequented by fat men in sweatpants, thus providing me with endless opportunities to snicker at them and make them feel uncomfortable by trying to look at the video they've rented so I can be like "oh hell yeah! In that video she sucks dick like it's going out of style! Good pick man!" I never actually get a chance to say this to them since they pretty much make a break for the register once they get out of the porn-room. And these dudes are quicker than lab mice trapped in a maze trying to find the cheese once they get out. They scamper over racks of videos and in-between displays and before I can comment on their selection they are gone with porn in hand. Obviously the sweat-pants help facilitate the escape and have nothing to do with easy accessibility to...ah, but I'm getting off point here. Back to the prostitute.

So I return my video without going inside and I start to drive off in the mighty Taco when I notice this real beat-up haggard crossing the street and attempting to walk on the icy, snow-covered sidewalk. I must have looked too long for whatever reason because she made eye contact with me and waved me down before I could exit the parking lot. She approached the taco and instead of mashing on the gas I rolled down my window like an idiot. I actually thought I could be able to like give her some spare change and send her on her cold walk to wherever, most likely a return to her miserable life and her eventual demise from liver failure due to acute cirrhosis of the liver. She staggered over:

Prostitute: I'm sorry to bother you but it's really cold out here and I'm trying to get to my sisters house and she lives just down the street and I was wondering if you could give me a ride?
Me: Ummm, how far down the street? I'm kinda in a hurry here (a lie).
P: Just a few blocks.
Me: Oh what the hell, get in. I'll take you.
Mistake #1.
So I drive her down the street and she introduces herself and asks if I'm married. Of course, being the oblivious idiot that I am, I say "no" and her face lights up like a neon beer sign.
Mistake #2
P: "Oh really? I don't believe that. You're cute."
Me: "Nah, it's dark. So your sister lives where?"
P: "Oh just down the block, two streets down. So, do you drink?"
Me: "Ummm, sometimes (another lie...I'm an alcoholic in denial). Not often."
P: "Oh yeah, you wanna go get a drink? It's my birthday. We should go get a drink."
Me: "Oh Happy Birthday, um no thanks, I've got stuff to do. Is this the street?"
P: "Oh yeah, she's the 5th house on the left. So do you party?"

By this point my bullshit detector is finally going off and I realize that she has no fucking sister and I better do whatever it takes to get this ho out of my car before it's too late. My mind, being the steel trap that it is, quickly springs into action.

Me: "Uh, nope I don't party. I had to give it up. Is this her house?"
P: (pretending to be surprised)"Oh yeah it is but her Red Mitsubishi isn't here so she's not home. Maybe you could just take me over to my's just a few blocks away. Do you mind? (without waiting for an answer) Thanks. So you don't party. Do you like to have fun?"
Me: "Nope. I read the bible at night."
P: "Oh. Well are you sure I can't get you to buy me a drink? It's my birthday. You want to buy a girl a drink?"
Me: "Nope. Where do you live again?"
P: "Up here on the left. So, would you like to come back to my house? I hate to go home alone, especially on my birthday. I've got whiskey."
Me: "I hate whiskey. Is it this white house with the closed shutters?"
P: "Yeah. Are you sure? I'm really lonely and I promise it'll be worth it. We could drink a beer or two..."
Me: "Well here we are. Happy Birthday. Good night."
P: "But I-"
Me: "Out! Beat it!"
P: (opening door) "Fuck you faggot!" (slams door)

I locked my door and watched her slither into the shadows, cutting into an alley behind the house she said she stayed at and then she disappeared. It was only at this point that I realized that I had just picked up a hooker and resisted her three teeth, pockmarked face, and stringy mullet as well as her charms. I made a mental note to be a complete asshole to anyone else I meet near the video store and to never ever give any hood-rats a ride anywhere. I also realized that while I may be a naive motherfucker I still do have enough dignity to resist the charms of the common Indianapolis prostitute and for this I am proud. And I realized that not everyone can be called a "fucking faggot" by a prostitute so again, I am proud.

It's good to be back. *out*

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Indiana: Home of Religious Nuts and Douchebags for Jesus
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"I'm Cray-zeee about Christ!"

No wonder the rest of the world considers the mass population of my home state to be backwoods idiots wielding bibles and avoiding common sense. It turns out that the general view of my fellow Hoosiers seems to be horrifyingly accurate. I've long suspected this, being an individual of sound mind and character with an aversion to Christianity and all purveyors of said faith. Living in Indiana has afforded me many laughs at the expense of others and their religious fervor. That said, nothing this year has made me laugh harder than this article on the front page of my local fishwrap known as The Indianapolis Star.
In case you don't know, last year some judge ruled that the Indiana House of Representatives couldn't invoke the big J.C.'s name in prayers because it's a violation of the separation between church and state. Of course, all the douchebags for Jesus get all up-in-arms because they can't have their way and just relax on the Jesus loving for like 3 minutes during the day. So this douche, pictured above, House Speaker Brian Bosma leads the Legislature in a prayer before they start the day so that they aren't defying the judge. Sayeth the douche:

"We're taking a stand. We're making a statement," Bosma said. "But within the bounds of the court order."

Wow. What courage! That'll show Satan and all those pesky judges not to mess with self-promoting aggressive and misguided douchebags for Jesus! What character! What resolve!
To further cement his status as a feminine sanitary product used to remove odors from a woman's vagina, Bosama then made the following remark as he fellated himself in front of the legislators and they responded as self-righteous douches usually do:

"Those of us, myself included, who yearn for the opportunity to freely speak in accordance with our beliefs have historically always ended up on the right side of history," he said.

His remarks were met by a 30-second standing ovation from House members and the gallery.

Of course, the reporter found one member who didn't agree with the whole process who turned out to be a Democrat and a Jew (which no doubt, upsets these Jesus freaks), as well as posessing a good argument implying that Bosama and company are just a bunch of self-promoting assholes.
Less enthusiastic was Rep. David Orentlicher, an Indianapolis Democrat and the sole Jewish legislator. Orentlicher said he was in a meeting outside the House chamber when the prayer huddle took place. He said he had no problem with private and personal prayers.
But Orentlicher, who lingered in a doorway to the House chamber as Bosma explained his objections to Hamilton's order, said the speaker should be paying more attention to vital issues such as health care and tax policy and less to the prayer controversy.
He also criticized Bosma for continually insisting in public that free speech is at stake when his lawyers conceded that was not the case before Hamilton.
"It's unfortunate he wants to create religious conflict and political division when there are critical issues facing the state," Orentlicher said.

Of course, this rational argument meant little to a brainwashed minion of Christ from Crawfordsville, attending one of two absurd rallies held in the House:

Outside the House chamber, peering through a window at the proceedings and carrying a sign that said "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen," 15-year-old Praise Jerusha Sharp, Crawfordsville, was among those who objects to Hamilton's ruling.
She took a day off from her private school to make her feelings known. "If they don't start praying in Jesus' name, our country is going to fall," she said. "I've asked (God), and he doesn't like it."

Amazing! God won't even help me pick the right Powerball numbers but he will talk to some 15 year-old backwoods yokel about the merits of seperating government and religion. I bet she sincerely believes that she has talked to God too. So there you have it, as far as I'm concerned:
Proof that Indiana is home to religious nuts and Douchebags for Jesus. And the scary thing is that they are the majority. No wonder most of the nation refers to hillbillies as "Hoosiers"-it's frightengly accurate.

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