My Stunted Growth

2006-03-08T14:03:00.000-05:00

For the people: Nerd Rap reviews

For whatever reason, I used to get really excited by rap or hip hop or whatever it's called these days but now I find that damn near any album in said genre I listen to these days to be incredibly boring. Years of picking up marginal albums from once inspired artists tends to grate on the optimism of ol' chiseven where hip hop is concerned. I mean, why did I ever continue to buy Common albums after Ressurection? I could've saved myself alot of time and money and avoided enabling ol' Com to continue figuring out how to write another rhyme that incorporated himself "looking through his daughters eyes." Alas, I was enamored by nerd rap from '98-'04 mistakenly thinking that rhyme topics that addressed politics, social issues or internal critiques of "mainstream" rap were somehow more interesting than "the shit they play on the radio." In short, I was the typical white kid who got into underground hip hop after it was good and pretended that everyone else that didn't listen to an emcee discussing metaphysical constraints of the time-space continuum over keyboard drums and a jaco pastorius loop wasn't as enlightened to "good music" as I was. Of course, that's obviously bullshit and elitist but that's what listening to "nerd-rap" will do to you if you let it. As a disclaimer though, I have never liked anything by anyone associated with antipop, so I can't say that the "nerd-rap" genre totally influenced me...I mean, I do have standards.

Anyway, thanks to the internets file-sharing, CD burners and the buying habits of my local library I have been able to listen to large amounts of nerd-rap without actually rewarding the artists with monetary compensation. And this dedication to listening to marginal products has forced me to come to this conclusion: most underground nerd-rap sucks. To prove this, I have decided to review the aptly named artist P.O.S. (a rap name worse than Rhymefest or Lil' anything) and his album "Audition" on Rhymesayers Records, home of more nerd-rap from Minnesotans who really want to let you know about their emotional angst. Heeeeere we go:

P.O.S.
Audition-2006
Track One- Sounds like someone found the "koto" bank on their trusty keyboard. No rapping.
Track Two-He says "Fuck Bush" and then keeps ranting over flat-drums, noisy feedback and an open bass string being plucked rapidly. He says stuff about drinking milk and screams at me to "get up get up get up" which I do, but only to press forward on the CD player. He also says sticking feathers up your ass does not make you a chicken. Seriously.
Track Three- Ah, the "I am I be" re-do where he takes Posdnuos rhymes and changes them a little so they reflect his situation or whatever. Why do rappers think it's so awesome to take the flow, cadence and bulk of another rappers verse and pretend it's not biting as much as it is a tribute to artist? Lazy creativity does not equal an artistic statement. Oh yeah, this track is boring as well except for the guy who sings like he's some drunk Englishmen from the 80's. And I only like his part becuase it sounds retarded. That's the best compliment I can muster.
Track Four- Actually I kinda like this beat because it's kinda hype. But I just realized that P.O.S.'s yelling/hyped delivery kinda sounds like Eminem ranting about how hard it is to be Eminem...and that sucks.
Track 5-I heard Slug from Atmosphere on this. Sparse beat at a slow tempo and these two emcees trading verses that may or may not relate. I don't know, I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee and I'm nodding off. Next.
Track 6-I'm not so sure this isn't Eminem rapping. If he mentions Hailey then it is him. Wait, he just said "we don't throw our hands up like we don't care anymore we throw our hands up like we don't care anymore...'cuz we don't...I give it all to the bone, my people we are not alone." I think it's funny because some interview I read on this album presented that line like it was a moment of lyrical genius or something. Jokes on that interviewer! Next!
Track 7-HA ha haaaaa! This track cracks me up. It features Jack Kimball who must be another drunken Englishman raised on the Smiths ranting about the only movie he walked out on: The Predator. He says this: "I've only walked out on one single movie-it was an action adventure-it was a blood-sucking summer-the posters in the lobby of the theater called it Predator-I called it weak and unwatchable-Carl Withers and two future governors-ya know it's really unacceptable-we gotta stop falling for these (unintelligable) double speakers from the double-features-we gotta keep them in the theaters." You have to actually hear it to understand how bad it is. Plus, who the fuck does this revisionist mu'fuckah think he is dissin' Carl Withers circa 1987? Withers lost an arm for that movie! That's mutherfucking dedication! Anyway, this song is boring and uneventful, not to mention slow. It must be deep.
Track 8-Slow track. Sounds like Eminem pissed off and doing tongue-twisters for a verse. Boring.
Track 9-Ok, this is just terrible. Sampled rock guitars and ehhh, at least it's short.
Track 10-16-More of the same. Seriously, if I listen to 9 out of 16 tracks and only one is kind of interesting in comparison to the other tracks then why even bother listening to the other tracks all the way. These songs all sound like they are saying the same thing: I can rap over tracks with all sorts of weird instrumental arrangements. And I sound like a ranting Eminem. Very boring and uninteresting. This is the embodiment of nerd-rap...very "serious" rapping with the occasional yell to show sincerity over uninspired keyboard-sounding production. I read an interview that claimed that this album was the future of hip-hop. I hope not. I picked up this album at the library and said to myself "I'm pretty sure this dude's rap name isn't piece of shit" but after listening to the album I must conclude that it probably is. At least he knows it though. So there it is-an hour of my life gone, thanks to nerd-rap. I have endured this marginal art so you do not have to. Give praise.

On a side note: I quit my job and will be writing more now. Seriously. I mean it this time.
*out*

2006-01-19T19:00:00.000-05:00

The Return
(That image is what I got when i typed in "I'm back!" at google images. Works for me.)

So I finally got the internets hooked up at the crib which means that I should be back to posting with the frequency that I used to when I first started this blog damn near two years ago, back in the salad days when I had an internet connection at home and could share my witty ramblings with all who stumbled upon my site before deciding to go over to someone else's blog. This of course, means that I can now post more often rather than trying to post from work when no one is paying attention (which is increasingly difficult these days) so here we go. It's time for stories.

So a few weeks ago, I picked up a prostitute.
Now mind you, when I picked up this lady of the evening I had no idea that she was a prostitute but I quickly discovered that: a)I'm a fucking idiot and b) I'm way too trusting and nice when it comes to helping people out. Here's the story:

I drove over to my local video store to return a video and to stop by so I could satisfy my snickering quota for the day. One thing I love about my crappy video rental store is the fact that it is really cheap and it caters to really dumb people who don't mind spending $3 to watch "I Got The Hookup" starring Master P. Also, it has a porn room in the back which is frequented by fat men in sweatpants, thus providing me with endless opportunities to snicker at them and make them feel uncomfortable by trying to look at the video they've rented so I can be like "oh hell yeah! In that video she sucks dick like it's going out of style! Good pick man!" I never actually get a chance to say this to them since they pretty much make a break for the register once they get out of the porn-room. And these dudes are quicker than lab mice trapped in a maze trying to find the cheese once they get out. They scamper over racks of videos and in-between displays and before I can comment on their selection they are gone with porn in hand. Obviously the sweat-pants help facilitate the escape and have nothing to do with easy accessibility to...ah, but I'm getting off point here. Back to the prostitute.

So I return my video without going inside and I start to drive off in the mighty Taco when I notice this real beat-up haggard crossing the street and attempting to walk on the icy, snow-covered sidewalk. I must have looked too long for whatever reason because she made eye contact with me and waved me down before I could exit the parking lot. She approached the taco and instead of mashing on the gas I rolled down my window like an idiot. I actually thought I could be able to like give her some spare change and send her on her cold walk to wherever, most likely a return to her miserable life and her eventual demise from liver failure due to acute cirrhosis of the liver. She staggered over:

Prostitute: I'm sorry to bother you but it's really cold out here and I'm trying to get to my sisters house and she lives just down the street and I was wondering if you could give me a ride?
Me: Ummm, how far down the street? I'm kinda in a hurry here (a lie).
P: Just a few blocks.
Me: Oh what the hell, get in. I'll take you.
Mistake #1.
So I drive her down the street and she introduces herself and asks if I'm married. Of course, being the oblivious idiot that I am, I say "no" and her face lights up like a neon beer sign.
Mistake #2
P: "Oh really? I don't believe that. You're cute."
Me: "Nah, it's dark. So your sister lives where?"
P: "Oh just down the block, two streets down. So, do you drink?"
Me: "Ummm, sometimes (another lie...I'm an alcoholic in denial). Not often."
P: "Oh yeah, you wanna go get a drink? It's my birthday. We should go get a drink."
Me: "Oh Happy Birthday, um no thanks, I've got stuff to do. Is this the street?"
P: "Oh yeah, she's the 5th house on the left. So do you party?"

By this point my bullshit detector is finally going off and I realize that she has no fucking sister and I better do whatever it takes to get this ho out of my car before it's too late. My mind, being the steel trap that it is, quickly springs into action.

Me: "Uh, nope I don't party. I had to give it up. Is this her house?"
P: (pretending to be surprised)"Oh yeah it is but her Red Mitsubishi isn't here so she's not home. Maybe you could just take me over to my place...it's just a few blocks away. Do you mind? (without waiting for an answer) Thanks. So you don't party. Do you like to have fun?"
Me: "Nope. I read the bible at night."
P: "Oh. Well are you sure I can't get you to buy me a drink? It's my birthday. You want to buy a girl a drink?"
Me: "Nope. Where do you live again?"
P: "Up here on the left. So, would you like to come back to my house? I hate to go home alone, especially on my birthday. I've got whiskey."
Me: "I hate whiskey. Is it this white house with the closed shutters?"
P: "Yeah. Are you sure? I'm really lonely and I promise it'll be worth it. We could drink a beer or two..."
Me: "Well here we are. Happy Birthday. Good night."
P: "But I-"
Me: "Out! Beat it!"
P: (opening door) "Fuck you faggot!" (slams door)

I locked my door and watched her slither into the shadows, cutting into an alley behind the house she said she stayed at and then she disappeared. It was only at this point that I realized that I had just picked up a hooker and resisted her three teeth, pockmarked face, and stringy mullet as well as her charms. I made a mental note to be a complete asshole to anyone else I meet near the video store and to never ever give any hood-rats a ride anywhere. I also realized that while I may be a naive motherfucker I still do have enough dignity to resist the charms of the common Indianapolis prostitute and for this I am proud. And I realized that not everyone can be called a "fucking faggot" by a prostitute so again, I am proud.

It's good to be back. *out*

2006-01-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

Indiana: Home of Religious Nuts and Douchebags for Jesus

"I'm Cray-zeee about Christ!"

No wonder the rest of the world considers the mass population of my home state to be backwoods idiots wielding bibles and avoiding common sense. It turns out that the general view of my fellow Hoosiers seems to be horrifyingly accurate. I've long suspected this, being an individual of sound mind and character with an aversion to Christianity and all purveyors of said faith. Living in Indiana has afforded me many laughs at the expense of others and their religious fervor. That said, nothing this year has made me laugh harder than this article on the front page of my local fishwrap known as The Indianapolis Star.
In case you don't know, last year some judge ruled that the Indiana House of Representatives couldn't invoke the big J.C.'s name in prayers because it's a violation of the separation between church and state. Of course, all the douchebags for Jesus get all up-in-arms because they can't have their way and just relax on the Jesus loving for like 3 minutes during the day. So this douche, pictured above, House Speaker Brian Bosma leads the Legislature in a prayer before they start the day so that they aren't defying the judge. Sayeth the douche:

"We're taking a stand. We're making a statement," Bosma said. "But within the bounds of the court order."

Wow. What courage! That'll show Satan and all those pesky judges not to mess with self-promoting aggressive and misguided douchebags for Jesus! What character! What resolve!
To further cement his status as a feminine sanitary product used to remove odors from a woman's vagina, Bosama then made the following remark as he fellated himself in front of the legislators and they responded as self-righteous douches usually do:

"Those of us, myself included, who yearn for the opportunity to freely speak in accordance with our beliefs have historically always ended up on the right side of history," he said.

His remarks were met by a 30-second standing ovation from House members and the gallery.

Of course, the reporter found one member who didn't agree with the whole process who turned out to be a Democrat and a Jew (which no doubt, upsets these Jesus freaks), as well as posessing a good argument implying that Bosama and company are just a bunch of self-promoting assholes.

Less enthusiastic was Rep. David Orentlicher, an Indianapolis Democrat and the sole Jewish legislator. Orentlicher said he was in a meeting outside the House chamber when the prayer huddle took place. He said he had no problem with private and personal prayers.
But Orentlicher, who lingered in a doorway to the House chamber as Bosma explained his objections to Hamilton's order, said the speaker should be paying more attention to vital issues such as health care and tax policy and less to the prayer controversy.
He also criticized Bosma for continually insisting in public that free speech is at stake when his lawyers conceded that was not the case before Hamilton.
"It's unfortunate he wants to create religious conflict and political division when there are critical issues facing the state," Orentlicher said.

Of course, this rational argument meant little to a brainwashed minion of Christ from Crawfordsville, attending one of two absurd rallies held in the House:

Outside the House chamber, peering through a window at the proceedings and carrying a sign that said "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen," 15-year-old Praise Jerusha Sharp, Crawfordsville, was among those who objects to Hamilton's ruling.
She took a day off from her private school to make her feelings known. "If they don't start praying in Jesus' name, our country is going to fall," she said. "I've asked (God), and he doesn't like it."

Amazing! God won't even help me pick the right Powerball numbers but he will talk to some 15 year-old backwoods yokel about the merits of seperating government and religion. I bet she sincerely believes that she has talked to God too. So there you have it, as far as I'm concerned:
Proof that Indiana is home to religious nuts and Douchebags for Jesus. And the scary thing is that they are the majority. No wonder most of the nation refers to hillbillies as "Hoosiers"-it's frightengly accurate.
*out*

2005-12-15T15:44:00.000-05:00

I Suspect That Cookie Puss Is The Greatest Food Ever Made

"Hooray for Cookie Puss, whatever you are!"

Now mind you, I have no idea what this anthropomorphic cake from outerspace tastes like but upon appearance alone I can deduce that it is the tastiest food creation from outerspace I have ever laid mine eyes upon. For those of you not in the know concerning Cookie Puss's origins, I direct you to Carvel's web site, where Cookie Puss is a spokescake for the company and also this site, which I found via google. Apparently this cake swooped in from outerspace and pitched the idea of creating and selling an ice-cream/cookie/cake to Tom Carvel, the founder of Carvel, maker of cakes such as Fudgie the Whale and other stuff like that. Whatever happened doesn't really matter because soon after a crazy TV commercial was made to inform the public of this interplanetary confection. I've seen the commercial but I don't remember where and I've only been on the East Coast like once, years ago, so that may be when I saw the commercial, but that doesn't matter.

What matters is that I have finally found out how to get a Cookie Puss of my very own.

Quit that snickering.

As Carvel is not representing anywhere near Indianapolis Indiana, I did some research at the Carvel website so I could track down the nearest retailer of Cookie Puss. I had expectations of driving to Baltimore or something to satisfy my Cookie Puss curiosity but lo and behold, their website claims that my local Kroger's can make me a Cookie Puss. I thought this was too good to be true, so I decided to call a random Kroger with cake-making abilities to see if this was possible.

I chose Kroger 993-I at 1330 W. Southport Road because it was the biggest Kroger near me.
Here is the conversation:
Kroger person: Happy Holidays this is Travis. How can I help you?
C7: Uh, yeah, is this the bakery? You guys make cakes right?
KP: Yes sir.
C7: Okay, do you guys make a cake called (pause) Cookie Puss?
KP: (hesitating)Uhhh...(asks another employee)Do we make a cake called Cookie Puss?
other KP: (laughter)
KP: Uh, no we don't.
C7: Goddamit, they lied.
KP: Who lied?
*click*

But I was not discouraged so I chose another store from the list. Kroger #116-I, the closest Kroger to my crib, located at 680 Twin Aire Dr.
There I actually spoke to Pam (god bless you lady!) who actually called the Carvel supplier or whatever he is and she called me back after like two minutes. Unfortunately she called with bad news:
"He told me that the Cookie Puss is an East-Coast-only thing so if you want one you'll have to call someone on the East Coast or have Carvel ship it to you if you want it bad enough."
I thanked her for her efforts, hung up the phone and spat on the floor, much to the dismay of my boss, who happened to be standing nearby.

C7:"I can't get my Cookie Puss! Goddammit!"
Boss: (quizzical look in his eyes) "Sounds a bit more personal than I'd like to know about. And don't spit on the floors. It's unsanitary."

I kicked my computer in frustration and lamented my Cookie Puss-less fate. Denied! Why hath thou forsaken me Cookie Puss?!?!? When will I know your delicious outer-space taste?
So, that means I have to contact Carvel and check the logistics of this Cookie Puss shipping issue because goddammit, I want that cake. I shall check into this matter, dear readers and continue my quest for my anthropomorphic cake from outer space. Unless of course, one of you East Coast (U.S.A.) readers want to buy me a cake for my Birthday (and coincidentally, this blog's 2 year birthday) which occurs in February. Until then, I shall not rest, for want of cake.
*out*

2005-12-10T16:08:00.000-05:00

Sweet Jesus Christ On A Crutch!
Kanye West Finally Successfully Sucks His Own Dick!

"Almost there!"

According to mtvnews.com Kanye West has successfully fellated himself in front of another stunned reporter when asked about his second grammy nomination. Corey Moss, author of the afformentioned fluff-piece recently explained to chiseven in this mystuntedgrowth exclusive report:

"Okay, I was interviewing Kanye about how pissed off he'd be if he didn't win the album-of-the-year Grammy for his latest record and he started ranting about how people whose grandmothers die love his music and how hard he works for this music pushing buttons on a sampler and something about Jesus and the next thing I know, he's foaming at the mouth and all the sudden he just unbuckles his pants and starts sucking his own dick. I was shocked! I mean, Marilyn Manson had one of his ribs removed so he could do tht and he couldn't even suck his own dick! It was disgusting and amazing at the same time! Clearly Kanye's quest to bolster his own ego knows know bounds and he's not afraid to show it!"

According to Mr. Moss, West continued fellating himself as he clutched his diamond-encrusted Jesus piece until he finally took his own member out of his mouth and called John Legend and John Mayer (who were apparently waiting nearby in the shadows) over so they could finsh him off. Both apparently fought to be the one to finish him off but they were both denied by Satan who suddenly appeared in a flash of fire and brimstone and finished the job, leaving Kanye to ejaculate the latest album from Common onto John Mayer's cell-phone, causing the auto-dial to call West's cell-phone for the 502nd time that day. Kanye then thanked Satan for his help and promised Beazelbub that he would finish up his work on his album as soon as he found his copy of Eminem's drum CD. At this point, the details get hazy, as the reporter passed out from shock only to be revived later by a janitor sweeping up the floor. He quickly regained his wits and filed his story for mtvnews before contacting chiseven with this exclusive report.

*out*

2005-11-17T17:19:00.000-05:00

Hip Hop Is Pretty Fucking Boring These Days...

I mean, just go to hiphopsite.com (I refuse to link to it) and peep the mediocrity they're peddling (Like Dose One's new album! Dose "most annoying rapper ever" One! Fuck!!!). I mean, c'mon, who the fuck would actually buy a Perceptionists Live album?!? I kind of like the Perceptionists (there's a few good tracks on that CD) but I certainly wouldn't want to purchase a full album of rappers doing a show live. What the fuck is ever memorable about a hip hop show that you would want to immortalize on CD? How many times can you hear an MC try to get the crowd all hype and say "c'mon" and "throw your hands up" and whatever other tired cliches most rappers use and have been using since the 80's?!? Live Hip Hop CD's are just not a good idea...even that BDP live album was boring. And don't bring up the Roots mu'fuckah, DO NOT bring up the Roots. My opinions are not to be debated. Of course, I would debate a stripper if I was in the champagne room but that is the only time. Yep.

What else?
Uhhh, I haven't seen it and I probably never will but that new 50 Cent movie seems to be a piece of shit which should only suprise you if you avidly follow the exploits of G-G-G-GUN-IT and have ever actually entertained the notion of Curtis Jackson acting convincingly in any manner in all existance ever. If you click on that link you will see some pretty funny quotes about the movie. My favorite is this:

"For those who don't take 50 Cent's talent for granted going in,
there's nothing to indicate what's so special about him, much less why he of all
people deserves to have a movie made about his experiences."-- Peter Debruge , MIAMI HERALD

There's more and they're great. I wonder how long it'll take for this flick to go to the dollar movies (.50 cents on Tuesdays!!!) and be certified with a platinum ticket stub by the East Side of Indianapolis...I say, two weeks. Maybe three.

And then there's this ricockulous (nh) beef from the "we need an editor who will actually edit and not just smoke weed all day with his feet on his desk while listening to Dipset really really bad" hip hop news site:

Rhymefest, signed to Mark Ronson’s Allido Records, offered
words for "those UK rappers who signed with Damon Dash…they aint even f**king
representing the UK!"
Rhymefest concluded the interview by applauding Dizzee
Rascal and Tyas, calling the rappers more creative. "That's why with S.A.S., I
can’t give a f**k!"
The North London rappers have responded to AllHipHop.com
about the article and claimed that the Chicago rapper dissed them on a previous
mixtape making the rounds.
"Rhymefest has been told to say what he said
because of marketing,” group member Mayhem told AllHipHop.com. “He doesn't
realize what he says will get him f**ked up in the UK. This is not a game. I rep
the street. Just because I don't go down the pub and eat fish and chips, it
doesn't mean I'm not from London. Rhymefest has no idea!Mayhem said that
Rhymefest’s comments have infuriated him and group member Mega and warnings have
already been issued to the rapper from across the Atlantic.
“How dare he come
to my city and diss me to a UK magazine! I see him when I go to Chicago, New
York and around London. When I see him next time, I'm gonna f**k him up! He’s
been around since 1991? And we only started hearing about him now? He's
over!"

I would like to extend an invitation to these S.A.S. fellows: I know where Rhymefest lives here in Indianapolis (or rather, just outside of). If you bring the proper amount of ganj then you can crash on my floor and serve that egotistical mu-fuckah a beat-down since I know that due to some issues with the law (which I haven't been able to confirm as far as news reports go but have talked to an eye-witness) he got his gun taken away from him. I don't really have any beef or animosity with Rhymefest but he does hang with Kanye so he's obviously guilty of being "a little-girl-that-talks-too-much-shit" by association. Plus, hip hop is boring as shit right now so if I could tape some British dudes beating a Midwest rappers arse I'd get a kick out of it and then post the video. Sounds like fun to me.
*out*

2005-11-10T16:52:00.000-05:00

Muhammad Ali Is Still The Greatest Of All Time

"This mu-fuckah's craaaaaazy."

I found this via atrios (linked to on the right). From the WaPo:

"Bush, who appeared almost playful, fastened the heavy medal around Muhammad Ali's neck and whispered something in the heavyweight champion's ear. Then, as if to say "bring it on," the president put up his dukes in a mock challenge. Ali, 63, who has Parkinson's disease and moves slowly, looked the president in the eye -- and, finger to head, did the "crazy" twirl for a couple of seconds...

The room of about 200, including Cabinet secretaries, tittered with laughter. Ali, who was then escorted back to his chair, made the twirl again while sitting down. And the president looked visibly taken aback, laughing nervously...

Ali, dressed in a suit, barely cracking a smile, received the loudest and most sustained applause of the day. And the always quotable man who said "I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Cong" and "I am the onliest of boxing's poet laureates" delivered the most striking moment without speaking a word."

I'd like to think Ali wasn't just joking since W is crazy.
*out*

2005-10-27T16:55:00.000-05:00

WHOOPS.

Not that it comes as a suprise to the two of you that read this shit occassionally, but the reason for the lack of posts lately is due to the fact that I've moved from the hellish suburbs of Indianapolis to the always-entertaining downtown of Indianapolis. So, no cable internet at the crib and no neighbors with wi-fi to steal a signal from. Once I get more settled in I'll hook up a nice post as opposed to this bullshit. Also, has anyone else noticed that people now spam the comments sections with ads for bullshit like porn or refinancing a home? This will not stand. I'm no fucking shill for anybody. If you're going to advertise on my shit I better get a cut goddammit.When I find these comments I will delete them and then track the offender down and I dunno, piss in their moth like R. Kelly or something. I'm going to go drink a tequilla shot now. *out*

2005-10-13T16:47:00.000-05:00

A Few Reasons To Splurge For The Expensive Champagne

Feast your Freudian eyes upon this image: "Uhhhh!"

So I've been considering buying some actual expensive champagne instead of the usual High Life dirty 30 because it looks like there might be a cuase for celebration in the next few months. You may be asking yourself "what celebration is this intellectual genius talking about?" and I may be thanking you for considering me an intellectual genius while I explain that the celebration concerns the official meltdown of the corrupt fuckers that run this country.

I'm usually pretty cautious about making bold proclamations concerning the future and politics but this time I got's me a feelin' that something big is about to go down and the corruption of this administration is about to be exposed for all to see like the tittie of Janet Jackson years ago. For the entire run of this presidency the media has been pretty lame concerning actually being critical of the administration because of said regime's percieved popularity. But, now that Hurricane Katrina has highlighted the ineptness and political cronyism that BushCo. represents, the media, and the public are becoming increasingly critical, leading me to belive that I may soon have cause to celebrate their downfall with a bottle of more-expensive-than-Miller-High-Life-champagne. Here's some links that lead me to believe my hypothesis is correct:

First off, the polls indiciate that more Americans are starting to realize that Bush(and, by implication, those associated with him) is a douche and that he's seriously fucking the world up.

Not that polls really mean shit, but when over half of those polled are against Bush it makes me smile. This poll also makes me smile. No wonder Bush accepted an invitation from the NAACP recently. He's got some damage control to work on.

When I was in Memphis, TN last week (more on that in another post) I heard about the terror threat and said "ah, it's just another scare tactic to show that the government isn't completely inept at everything despite the obvious evidence" to which my frieds said "huh?" and I ordered another Irish Car-Bomb while directing their attention to a hot girl across the bar and away from my loquacious sentence. Seems as though I'm not the only one who suspects that the terror alerts are little more than scare tactics by our government used to keep us in fear and awe. Read that last link, pretty convincing argument when presented like that(or when said reader already supports the conclusion...but I digress).

Also it seems pretty telling to me that when the press starts calling out obvious photo-op's and staged Q&A's with the President despite the official proclamation from WH spokesman (He said the q&a with the Iraq troops wasn't staged in today's press conference) that the backlash has begun. Also, if anyone else saw the Press Briefing today at the White House it was obvious that the press corps are giving ol' Scotty a hard time. He's so flustered that he's putting words into Helen Thomas's mouth (which thankfully, is the only thing he's attempted to put in there). The exchange is great. Read it.

And with the gossip from the Plame case suggesting that criminal charges could be brought against Cheney (I read that somewhere...) I am led to suggest that I will be drinking my champagne in the next few months or so. I will also drink the fancy grape juice if someone in the regime dies soon. Then, I'll get another bottle. Before I go I wanted to drop some other links I found but couldn't figure out how to incorporate:

Rich people knew about the terror threat first.

Been missing Matt Taibbi's columns? Cry no more bitches, uncle chi7 got that for yah.

Taibbi on Pvt. England and on NOLA and the relief efforts.

That is all. *out*

2005-09-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

Evil Republican Cocksuckers Update

This picture says it all: He's toast.

(Most links( and the picture) stolen from blah3 and atrios and cursor...visit them for the full scoop)

It's a mixed day of emotions today as I check upon the status of the corrupt politicians that keep the proletariat down and suck the wealth out of this country for their own selfish interests and...oops. I forgot that the key to blogging these days is to be aloof. My bad. Anyway, before I get too carried away with a political tirade, let's check the status of a few Republican cocksuckers shall we?

First up is Tom De Lay, who was indicted today for being a lying cocksucker. Here's the scoop:

"AUSTIN, Texas (Reuters) - The second-ranking Republican in the U.S. House of
Representatives, Majority Leader Tom DeLay, was indicted on Wednesday on a
felony campaign-finance charge and temporarily stepped down from his
post.
The powerful Republican, nicknamed "The Hammer" for his reputation as a
tough party enforcer, could face up to two years in prison if convicted on the
charge handed up by the Travis County grand jury in the Texas state capital,
Austin.
DeLay was indicted on a single conspiracy charge tied to illegal
fund-raising activities by Texans for a Republican Majority, or TRMPAC, a
political action committee he created, the Travis County District Attorney's
office said."

Check the link for the rest. Let's hope he's convicted and he get's to chill in jail for 2 years.
I doubt he will, but one can dream I suppose.

Next up on the Evil Republican cocksucker watch (patent pending) is Bill Frist who is currently under investigation for (basically) insider trading. Here's the deal:

"Sept. 28 (Bloomberg) -- U.S. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist faces a
near-term ordeal unwelcome to anyone, particularly an ambitious politician: an
official probe into his personal financial dealings by the U.S. Securities and
Exchange Commission.
The SEC authorized a formal order of investigation of
Frist's sale in June of HCA Inc. shares, people with direct knowledge of the
inquiry said yesterday. The order allows the agency's enforcement unit to
subpoena documents and compel witnesses to testify, said the people, who asked
not to be identified because the order hasn't been made public. "

Now, this doesn't insure his downfall, but it is interesting to note that the second most powerful Republican in the House and the Republican Senate Majority leader are both being investigated for corruption. My mom used to say: "You can often judge people by the company they keep" and I say "All Republicans are evil cocksuckers" so I'm sure you get the picture here.

Let's hope they both go to jail and they get sodomized repeatedly until their respective colons burst and they writhe on the jail cell floor as their excrement slowly poisons them from the inside until they slip from this mortal coil and begin their descent into hell where they can take turns suckling the gleaming nipples of Ronald Reagan whilst fellatiating William Rehnquist's flaccid penis as Satan drops huge flaming turds onto their pasty white chests for the rest of eternity. Anything less would be unacceptable and you know I'm right.

Also, that evil fuck Michael "Drownie" Brown did some testifying today.

That sign is an insult to everyone who died on his "watch".

The short version of Drownie's defense is that basically, it was the Democrat's fault FEMA had such a poor response to the NOLA debacle. He blames Mayor Nagin and Governor Blanco (both Dem's) for his own incompetence. Here's an article to read. What a cocksucker.

So yo, I had an idea on how to fund the reconstruction of those hit by the hurricanes of the last few weeks:
Let's handcuff Michael Brown to a bicycle rack and charge citizens say, five dollars, to kick him in the nuts (or ten dollars for a kick to the skull). We'll take this act on the road and stop at every major city in the U.S. until we raise enough money or he dies from massive trauma and internal bleeding. Either way, it'd be a perfect way to help those afflicted by the hurricanes and that way we wouldn't have to worry about making innocent people suffer for the incompetence of others. The blood of Michael Brown can help soothe the wounds of our nation like balm.
Call your Senators and representatives and tell them to support my plan.
That is all for now.
*out*

2005-09-23T15:42:00.000-05:00

Ford Escort + Hunter S. Thompson stencil = Terror of the Indianapolis East-Side

Look at how high the driver is...I feel stoned just looking at it.

This is my boy ODBeck's once-standard Ford Escort now customized with the finest of painted ply-wood and original chiseven Hunter S. Thompson stencil and now the terror of the East Side of Indianapolis. Many pedestrians and motorists alike shudder with fear when they hear the growling sounds (no muffler needed) of said vehicle. This vehicle commands respect. Old men lose bodily functions when the Escort rolls through. It's that intimidating. Luckily, I have been able to document this monstrosity in a less intimidating manner than a personal encounter provides so your pants shall remain spotless. Unless of course, you've been visiting my neighbor's website, which is understandable. Also, if you peep the background you can see the manufactured neighborhood I live in and understand why I feel like I'm losing a little bit of my soul everyday I stay there. Everything looks the same. On a related note; due to ODBeck's copious marijuana consumption we have perfected the technique of breaking into his Ford Escort to retrive keys locked inside. I have been thinking of providing a step-by-step photo illustration to show you how to enter any Escort without keys (purely for academic purposes of course). Let me know if that's something you'd like to see in the comments.
Also, check out the Humanity Critic linked on the right. Dude is on fire these days.
*out*

2005-09-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

What A Little Girl

You've probably seen it but what the hell.
Bush at the U.N.
Link here.
*bonus*
First ever double post.
*out*

2005-09-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

Hugo Chavez=Best President Ever Anywhere

As Fidel can tell Hugo, "Regularly punking the U.S. will make you live forever."

So by now everyone knows that that insane country bumpkin white-bread eatin' cracka-ass-cracka Pat Robertson actually called upon God to have the U.S. kill Hugo Chavez because, well, obviously Robertson's neurons aren't firing correctly these days, and it's suspected that they never were. Obviously when you think that God would strike down a champion of the oppressed and downtrodden because he's helping poor people then you've strayed from your faith. Sure Robertson made a half-apology later, but it should be obvious to all: Robertson is a hypocrite and a fraud and a worm and most importantly, a really bad Christian. He already has no problem with killing off Africans and burying them alive in his diamond mines, so it should come as no suprise that he would pray for God to kill Chavez on national televison (true, I have no idea who actually would watch the 700 Club but it is nation-wide nonetheless). But fuck him (nhjic). He threatened the greatest President anywhere, ever.

But Hugo Chavez ain't scared. He wants the U.S. Government to charge Robertson with criminal charges. He's right too, we should have locked this lying scum-fucker up years ago so he'll shut up and not influence any under-educated fools in North Carolina or wherever it is that they listen to evangelist fucks like him. But I digress...

Chavez ain't scared of Robertson or Bush or anyone else for that matter because he's armed with the truth that he dispenses so freely. Peep game:

"Hitting out at US President George W. Bush, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez Frias calls him the "Vacation President" that does not have an evacuation plan for areas hit by Hurricane Katrina.
"They had been saying 4 days before the hurricane struck that it was on a direct path and Vacation King at his ranch told people to flee but did not say how ... cowboy mentality."
It is incredible, Chavez Frias says, that the world's greatest power with its planes, helicopters, scientific advances did not have any evacuation plan.
Pushing the knife in a bit deeper, the Venezuelan President urges the USA to copy Cuba that has developed the capacity to move 2 million people in the event of any meteorological event.
Expressing solidarity and grief for those affected by the hurricane, Chavez Frias says his government is ready to send rescue and salvage teams to the USA to help and has announced a donation of $1 million towards reconstruction efforts." Link here. (On a side note, who is that hottie shaking Bush's hand on that last website I linked to? Damn!)

And on top of donating money to victims of the hurricane, he also wants to help out U.S. victims affected by greed condoned by their own government. How? By selling oil directly to poor communities in the U.S. How fucking gully is that? Our rich ass "president" hasn't donated shit to any relief efforts and he's helping all his oil-buddies by allowing them to gouge the American public with obscene gas rates when they are already posting record-profits for this year and some South American president decides that HE wants to help us out even though we've tried to oust him twice now? That is the mark of a true player. Americans could learn alot about what a president should do by observing Chavez. Therefore, mystuntedgrowth awards him the first ever "Best President Anywhere, Ever" award. And we're still waiting to hear back from the Venezuelan government regarding my earlier invitation. Also, props to thabboy for linking to this site. I'll put you on the permanent link list soon mang. Adios!
*out*

2005-08-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

The Problem With So-Called Hip Hop Journalists That Blog

Since members of the Mindset Army have been coming under attack for taking umbrage at the fact that Kris ex's Vibe piece on hip-hop blogging didn't mention the mighty b to the c. I felt it was time for me to help contribute to the cause, which is mainly proving the fact that Kris ex is a douche. Since I have a history of calling out douches in hip hop, I decided to throw my hat in the ring and also try and get some of that sweet sweet internets traffic I've not been getting over here lately...

The problem with so-called hip-hop journalists that blog is the fact that they blog. That means that whenever these fools say something stupid( I think Ex deleted his rant cuz I can't find a link to it anymore) or post up cheerleading stories for their friends then it's on the internet, available for all to read and laugh at. Which is just like their printed articles (or reviews, etc.) except here on the internets people can comment on what they've written or choose to attack their credibility based on evidence found through a few google searches. These so-called hip-hop journalists that blog are irrelevant to many of us because they are hypocrites. With the printed media they can get paid to espouse their criticism in printed media and expect no one to comment or criticize their criticism. Or at least not in print.

But when they step into this gully internets community or whatever it is they lose credibility because they can be called out in the comment sections which they read and occasionally respond to. They lose my respect and gain the title of hypocrites because they defend themselves and their criticism on the internet because it's not a luxury they have in print. If they intend to portray themselves as someone who's opinions matter by being a journalist or a critic then they should not blog. When a critic of music can't take criticism of his written word without responding to it with empty threats (that you later delete like you never wrote it) or just deleting posts that cheerlead the empty threats then he is a hypocrite and most importantly, a douche.

The gully internets is different than the printed media they contribute to and therefore they are out of their league. A musician cannot respond to these critics record reviews in the same magazine they are criticized in, so these so called journalists and critics shouldn't respond to their critics on the internet like they're the very crazy musicians they write about. There is a difference between musicians and music critics because they are two different types of people. One creates art and the other gets paid to comment on the art. Critics are the parasites of art. So when critics threaten their critics it's not scary like Freddie Foxx said he was going to kick some ass over a review, it's just comical. I would be afraid of a musician kicking my ass because they actually have emotional investments in their product and criticizing their ability to do so might result in them getting crazy. I certainly wouldn't fear someone who feels very passionately about their opinions on somebody else's art.

Simply put, if you can't take criticism of your opinion then you aren't much of a critic and everything you write is suspect. We here on the internets are your audience whether you like it or not and when we think think you cats are pullin' some bullshit we will call you out. Weak attempts to insult or intimidate members of the Mindset Army will not be tolerated on the internets as the Mindset is a gully internets gang. Recognize.
*out*

2005-08-10T16:56:00.000-05:00

Do Hot Conservatives Exsist? OR These Bitches Don't Fool Me.

So I guess the obvious answer to my own question is no (Ian thinks M.M. is hot though). Ann Coulter (on the left) has an Adam's apple so she's a man. A skinny ugly man, but a man nonetheless. And something is up with Michelle Malkin too. All I know is that the first time I saw her crazy house-jap (I'll explain later) flat-ass I was like "Goddamn! Another dumpy conservative chick! Where do they come from?" But now, as she's made the rounds on Cable Networks to talk shit about Cindy Sheehan (google her name if you don't know about her) and her dead son, I've noticed that she's got a new image. She dropped the glasses (which I swear I once saw her in) and dropped the weight apparently. And she figured out how to apply make-up Let's look at the exhibits:

Exhibit A (my first introduction)

and Exhibit B:

See? Where did all those pock-marks and zits go? I will admit that she is better looking, but she's certainly not attractive. Plus, her trimming her eyebrows, slathering on makeup and lightening her hair doesn't mean she any less of a crazy bitch than before. I mean, c'mon...ugly on the inside equals ugly on the outside right? I just watched some video of her on the O'Reilly show talking about how she knew that Cindy Sheenan's son wouldn't approve of his mother's behavior. So what, now that she's less dumpy-lookin' she can communicate with the dead? If that's the case then I'm calling up some ugly-bitches from High-School (cuz I bet at least one of them looks good now) and I'm gonna have them help me talk to Eazy-E. Sounds like fun.

Either way, these Conservative women like M.M. or A.C. are hilarious to watch because they spout the most insane arguments that I've ever heard and you can tell that their whole "I'm tough" image is just a flimsy facade to mask whatever insecurities they have. These bitches are so repressed and self-loathing (no doubt because of repeated rapes by their respective fathers) that they'll say anything just to establish themselves as an authority. I mean, Michelle Malkin actually wrote a book about how the Jap internmnet camps were a good idea. Isn't that like Cornel West writing a paper about how slavery was a good thing because it made America so wealthy? Amazing! The only reason these crazy bitches are who they are today is because they hate themselves and they just project that hate onto others so they can get paid. But they don't fool me. Ann Coulter looks like a man and she always will. She says what she says becuase she knows she ugly and she hates herself. No doubt Malkin was really fat at one point in her life and so she feels she has something to prove. She may know how to use makeup but I know that she's really a fat girl. I can tell. I bet there's high-school pictures out there that prove my theory.

*out*

2005-07-30T12:32:00.000-05:00

Why I Will Never Ever Ever Ever Eat Mayonnaise Again (nhjic)

Let me say that before I had my horrific mayonnaise-incident that led me to swear it off forever, I was never a real big fan of mayo. I might put it in a tuna salad or a little bit on an egg sammich but I was never the type to really slather that shit on anything else. So really, the fact that I have sworn off mayo is not that big of a deal to me, but I think the REASON I swore off mayo is worth recounting, at least as a lesson to others so they don't have to endure the horror I went through. It was years ago, but I still remember it like it were yesterday...

It was sometime in the fall of 2000 and I was in my sophomore year at Ball State University (which really sucks btw) in the horrible shit-hole known as Muncie, Indiana. A few of my friends from high-school had moved up to Muncie to drink and party for a year or so and a few of them got a house together. These two were Ol Dirty Beck and Matty Digi (they were big on the Wu back then) and Matty Digi's two female cousins, Amy and the Juice (more on that name later). They all lived a few blocks from my place so when I wasn't in class or at home playin' Bond on the 64 then I was at their house puffin herbs and watching Kung-Fu flicks. Now I didn't really like Amy or The Juice but I could tolerate them after I was super blazed (which was most of the time) or if I had to wait for Matty or ODB to get back from class.

And Now for the story of the Juice...

The Juice was loose. In fact, this chick was a slut. I think I was the only friend of Matt's that didn't fuck her because I had heard the "whore-or" stories from my friends that had. Also, the Juice had a name ( I think it began with an "A") until she fucked Raw Dawg and pissed in the bed (which miraculously, never even soaked where Raw Dawg was sleeping right next to her). We called her the Juice after that incident because Raw Dawg and another friend Diggity D. compared notes and noticed that:

1)She gave sloppy mouth-full-of-saliva kisses (and bj's)

2)When she got wet it was like a faucet you couldn't turn off

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

3)After sex, when she would pass out, she would always piss in the bed (or couch) she slept on.

Seriously, this happened to at least 4 people I know. Her juicy ass got around kna'mean?

So we named her the Juice because she was a juicy girl. A juicy, slutty girl with bangs.

God how I hated those bangs. Hell, thanks to her I can't stand bangs on women. Eccch.

Anyway, she'd always smoke herbs with the crew that gathered at her house and sometimes she'd even contribute to the session so she was tolerated. One evening after I had finished writing some paper or something I decided it was time to get blazed so I grabbed the stash and copped a blunt from the store down the block on my way over to the house that ODB and Matty shared with the Juice and what's-her-name. When I got to the crib I found the Juice making a sandwich for dinner (like I said, the bitch was skinny cuz she ate like a bird). Neither Matty nor the ODB were there yet so I decided to kick it with her as she made her sandwich until those two got back.

As I was talking to her I noticed that she was smothering her sandwich with tons of Mayonnaise. In fact, she told me "I love mayonnaise, I could eat it on anything!" So I was like "cool juice, I'm gonna break up this herb so we can puff a blunt when those two get back" so I broke up the herbs and was about to roll the blunt when I realized that I had no idea how to roll a blizzy (this was back in my "I don't roll anything" days). I told the juice about my dilemma and she offered to roll the blunt so we could smoke when her roommates got back. She finished her sammich and then proceeded to remove the tobacco, stuff the blunt and then lick it all over so it would roll up right. She actually could roll a pretty good blunt. It looked kinda like this:

We waited a few minutes until ODB and Matty got back and then we lit the blunt. About halfway through the blunt I started noticing that there was something wrong with the blunt...it just didn't feel right. It was rolled well, so it wasn't running, but there was something odd about it so I asked everybody else if they thought it was strange. ODB thought it might be stale, the Juice didn't know what we were talking about and Matty said "You know, this may sound weird, but I think this blunt has a faint taste of like, mayonnaise or something. I dunno, maybe I'm just high." I took another puff and instantly tasted mayo. It was disgusting. That bitch has so much mayo-residue left in her juicy mouth after eating the sandwich that it tainted the blunt when she rolled it. Instead of a delicious blunt, all we got was a mayonnaise blunt. I puked in my mouth, swallowed it back down and snuffed the mayo-blunt out. Since then I have avoided mayo like the proverbial plague. So let this be a lesson to all you smokers out there:

Never, ever, ever, roll a blunt after you just got done eating something. In fact, don't let anyone else roll your blunts either, especially if they have a fondness for mayonnaise like the juice. Goddman you juice. Goddamn you.
*out*

2005-07-22T16:08:00.000-05:00

This picture is a metaphor for this blog. Figure it out yourself though. I shall not explain.
I must ask for your forgiveness as I know I'm really really lame at posting regularly.
I just don't have anything interesting to comment on everyday or sometimes even weeks for that matter. Go to the b dot c if you want regular updates, but stop by here occassionally for some new rant or account of how I waste good drugs on dumb animals. As usual, I don't have anything to pontificate but I figured that ya'll should be reading the good shit I'm reading, so there. It's been a minute since I've just hooked it up with links only, so here goes:
Read Matt Taibbi, as he is one of the few American journalists writing anything worth reading.
This week he deconstructs the whole cult of Karl Rove. Brilliant as usual.
Greg Palast is another American journalist worth reading. Not only is he truthful about the corruption and deceit he uncovers, he's also pretty goddamn funny. Go!
I discovered Drawn! through boingboing (Linked to on the right) and have visited it everyday since. If you like anything concerning illustration then I suggest you visit there soon.
That gentleman pictured above is my favorite agent of evolution, Bill Hicks. His best friend just recently published a biography of him that looks to be much better than the other bio called "American Scream" which was pretty tepid. I ordered it a few days ago, so when I finish the book I'll post up a review. If you don't know who Bill Hicks is then do yourself a favor and visit the sacred cow site that I linked to. And squeegee your third eye bitches!
This is great for killing time at work. Of course, I would never do that, but if you want to...
I love loteria cards. You should too. Who wants to buy me some? I can't find them here at my local supermercados or tiendas. What the deal Indianapolis?

Ok, enough links. Thanks to the local library system I 've also been checking out Cd's and DVD's from the libraries around here. Here's some short reviews of what I've checked out recently:

Team America
Besides the hilarious music this movie really is just mediocre. Could have been much shorter but most of the jokes were funny even if I only laughed out loud once. America...FUCK YEAH!

Kill Bill (One and Two)
Much better to watch when you don't have to sit around mu'fuckahs who answer their goddamn cell phones at the movie. I still like the first one better than the second one. Worth watching.

The Perceptionists-Black Dialouge
Akrobatick is pretty boring to listen to and the beats aren't my favorite but there are a few gems on here. Worth renting from the library to copy. Not worth buying for full price.

Prince Paul-Itstrumental
Prince Paul is a weird dude who just can't make music like he used to. This album is funny (of course) but I can't stand his fucking keyboard sounding drums. It is pretty awesome to hear his son (or at least it's supposed to be) say: "I saw my dad eating out of a garbage can with nothing but a pair of Timbalands on sayin' something like 'I get raw!'" His album is about as satisfying as seeing him live. If you've seen him then you know it's dissapointing. Too bad P. Huston!

Ali ShaheedMuhammad-Shaheedullah and stereotypes (don't click on that link)
No fucking wonder Tribe broke up. This shit is on some save the world bullshit with marginal musical compositions. A lesson to all producers: you can sample great portions of others compositions but you better be musically gifted to make your own music away from the sampler. Ali should heed this advice. What a tepid and boring album. It drones on and on...

I'm done with this. Leave a comment about what you'd like to see here. I'm open to suggestions. Maybe I should get some guest contributors or something. Let me know.
*out*

2005-07-12T21:56:00.000-05:00

These Idiots In Flordia Have Got It All Wrong
OR
Why We Need More Florida Homosexuals

So I'm over at Blah3 checking out the latest news on the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame scandal hoping that Rove gets fed to the wolves like the fat pig-bastard scum-fucker that he is when I come across this article. Now, in case you click on the link and it takes you to a registration page and you don't want to sign up (and I can't blame you if you don't) I have taken the liberty of pulling the most relevent information out of the article and pasting it onto my blog like an intellectual thief (or plagarist, whichever you prefer). I do this for you of course, and think nothing of violating intellectual laws because ya'll need to be on the same page as me as I formulate my post, and that is the most important part of all.

Anyhoo, a bunch of goddamn Christians in a diversity committe for the Broward County schools in Florida (or at least, I assume they are a bunch of Christians...who else spends a big amount of their time worrying about homosexuality?) that probably look a lot like these crackers to my left, decided not to show a video that promoted tolerance and diversity to the kids in their schools because they think the video "could confuse children about the difference between family members and strangers and open the door to discussion about sexual orientation." In fact, "Officials with the Broward County Christian Coalition, who viewed the video after hearing from a diversity committee member, said the underlying message of the DVD and accompanying teaching material promoted a homosexual agenda." Now of course, as the article says, "The controversy stems not from any explicit mention of homosexuality in the video -- there isn't any -- but from its theme that people are all part of one big family, a message that, critics contend, could be construed to include pedophiles and other criminals. They also fear that the video could blunt other important messages for kids of that age, like the importance of being wary of strangers."

Now look, I understand that parents want to save their children from all those strangers and pedophiles in Florida so that their kids can grow up right AND THEN become meth-addicts like so many others in the sunshine state, but these goddamn parents have got it all wrong. We, as a nation, desperately need more homosexual children, and we need more Florida homosexual children than ever before ( I wonder if I get a bunch of traffic from google because of that sentence?). Please allow me to explain myself:

As I have discussed before, Fundamentalist Christianity needs to be destroyed for the good of our nation. I would now like to extend that argument to include all well-meaning Christians in positions of power. See, these Christians in the diversity committe only want to save their children from the insidious menace that is homosexuality because they want their children to grow up as Christians and reproduce more Christians until they can finally do all the kooky shit that they think the bible tells them they should do in order to be better Christians. This is where they have it all wrong. We do not need any more heterosexual children in this nation (as evidenced by all the "little mistakes" in my neighborhood) and we certainly don't need any more heterosexual children in Florida because that implies that we actually value heterosexual children. This is certainly not the case, because heterosexual children reproduce. And, as I'm sure most of the world will agree with me on this one, we certainly don't need any more heterosexual Americans telling other people how to live their life (except for me of course) because those mu'fuckahs are boring as shit. For the sake of a better dressing and more humorous nation (you know what I just implied...) we must encourage our children to be homosexuals because we don't need any more Americans reproducing and continuing the cycle of fucking up the world. And that goes double for you mu'fuckahs in Florida who helped George Bush win the election and exported marginal musicians like Fred Durst and Vanilla Ice to the rest of the 49 states and for that matter, the world. All of this catastrophy could have been avoided if these rat-bastards in Florida weren't reproducing like, well... rats. Think of how much pain and suffering you have had to endure because of Floridians reproductive tendencies: Limp Bizkit, Katharine harris, Jeb Bush's coke-head daughter, the career of Uncle Luke AFTER 2 Live Crew and many other horrific atrocities perpetrated upon an unsuspecting world. Obviously my argument is sound so you must agree with what I write.

So let's stop trying to keep our kids heterosexual when it's obviously much better to encourage the slow gradual death of the dominating culture that ruins this world for the rest of us. Do your part and raise your Floridian (or any American) children(but mainly Floridians) gay so we can all enjoy living life without being concerned about the agendas that imaginary puppets on pbs may or may not be promoting to children. Oh, and burn an American flag like I did on July 4th. You don't even need to soak it in gas or anything 'cause those mu'fuckash were made to burn, and it's not illegal yet. In conclusion, the High-Life is beginning to kick in and I'm having trouble typing so I'm signing off. There's your new post noodles. Send me that spare change.
*out*

2005-07-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

Scientologists Are Fucking Crazy

So we all know that Tom Cruise is crazy thanks to this clip over here where he tells Oprah that he's in love with Katie Holmes (who btw is easily the most disappointing celebrity to see with her shirt off) and that with Scientology he can do shit like shock people with purple lightning. Now honestly, I could care less about Tom Cruise, but this little animated clip to my right made me think of how fucking stupid Scientologists are. Any "religion" that has John Travolta and Kirstie Alley as members just must be stupid, simply by implication. I've been kinda curious about Scientology because all these celebrities always talk about how awesome it is but they never really talk about what the fuck it means to be a Scientologist. I mean, when you talk to a Christian, you're probably going to hear about Jesus, but you never hear these Scientology people talking about how they believe that alien spirits cause problems with their body and Scientology is a way to repair their damage. I'm not making that up either. That's what these people (when they get to a certain level within the group) eventually find out if they get real serious about Scientology. This site will tell why these people are crazy. Read it and laugh, but don't let Xenu hear.

So anyway, as you can tell, Scientology is obviously a scam created by a hack-Science Fiction writer in the 1950's. Seriously, this dude was nuts. Go here for the scoop. Of course, he may be nuts, but he was no fool as far as getting tax-exempt status for his cult. Which leads me to the conclusion that if you are a Scientologist then you believe in some pretty wacky shit, but you're probably a rich mu'fuckah that can afford to be eccentric. Okay, that's enough about Scientology. I just wanted to post that animated gif. and I figured I'd better write something to go with it. God it's awesome watching Oprah shake like that. It's so hypnotic!
*out*

2005-06-23T20:56:00.000-05:00

Fun With The Neighbor's Dog
OR
Psychedelic Mushrooms Will Shut Annoying Dogs Up

One mushroom stem, some peanut butter and a cracker gets you this.

Now I don't hate dogs or anything, but my neighbors have some pretty fucking annoying dogs. I fight the urge to go across the street in the early morning when they're barking at everything and drop kick the little annoying-yelpers into oblivion every goddamn day. I never do this of course, because I realize that it's not necessarily the dogs fault that they're so annoying, but rather the blame should be placed upon my selfish-little-dog loving neighbors for neglecting these dogs so much that all they have to look forward to in their life is barking at the little mistakes that populate my neighborhood in the early morning when I'm trying to sleep. But I swear to God (or Yaweh or whatever) that if I ever see those dogs in the street without a leash then I'm gonna run over those fuckers like Bol once did. I'd run over them now if I didn't think that the ruts in my neighbors yard would point to me as the culprit. That, and I would imagine that since they ARE leashed I'd probably have a hell of a time unwrapping the leashes from my tires, so it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort. But now I have a solution...

I spoke with one of my friends about my dilemma and he related his recent triumph over his neighbors' annoying-bark-at-every-hour-of-the-day-dog. You see, he was trying to get some yard work done and this dog just kept barking at him for hours so he went inside and consulted his stash. He grabbed one stem from a dried mushroom (with psilocybin of course), chopped it up, mixed it with some peanut butter, put it on a cracker and gave it to the dog, which of course, ate it. About 20 minutes later my friend noticed that the dog wasn't barking, but it was sitting in the middle of the yard with it's legs sticking straight up in the air like it was dead. Fearing that he had caused the dog to escape the mortal coil, he made a barking sound at the dog and the dog slooooooowwwwly rolled over to one side and made a half-hearted attempt at a bark, which sounded more like a grunt. Over the course of an hour the dog finally made it's way to another side of the yard, on wobbly legs, where it stared into space for about 30 minutes or so. Then, for no reason, it just fell over like it was dead. My friend again made a noise and the dog perked it's ears back like it was listening to something verrry far away. This behavior continued until my friend lost interest and went inside. Now, four days later, the dog is still alive but it doesn't bark at anything. Ever.

Of course, you know what this means, dear readers:
It's time to make the neighbors dogs get right with the universe.
I have in my possession, one eighth of mushrooms, which I have consumed most of for (*ahem*) spiritual purposes and one stem (these are tiny neighbor dogs) chopped into tiny pieces and smeared in peanut butter on two crackers. Once it gets dark, all I have to do is set the bait and wait. Oh, and if you animal loving mother fuckers act like I'm dong harm to these dogs, ya'll must not be well-versed in the psilocybin-olympics. Recognize mu'fuckahs-this shit ( pun intended) is a "squeegee for your third-eye" (thank you Bill Hicks) that we humans shouldn't be so stingy to share with our animal friends. After all, doesn't man's best friend deserve to feel the grass grow and smell colors like the rest of us on drugs? I think so. I'll let ya'll know how this goes.

In other news, for those of you who know me personally, I've been a little down-and-out lately due to receiving the "it's not you-it's me" speech (which is a pretty lame cop-out) from my ex-lady-friend. But hey, fuck her, because I'm a sexxxy mu'fuckah. You ladies better recognize: chiseven is back on the market. Send your pictures and a brief bio to chiseven@gmail.com and I'll get back to you if I'm interested. Oh, and I saw Fantasy Liz yesterday and that chick is skinny...like,I-went-to-Las-Vegas-and-did-a-bunch-of-coke-and-meth-for-a
-week-straight-without-eating- skinny. Yikes. I also saw her playin' with her kid so I figured that I shouldn't commend her on her internet-dick-sucking technique. Some other day perhaps. Ya'll be good.
*out*

2005-06-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

19 O'Clock And Everything is Pipe

Hear for yourself.

Now I may be drunk on nostalgia here, but may I be so bold as to claim that "The Adventures of Pete & Pete" was the best goddamn tv show I have ever seen? I think I just did. Any show that featured Iggy Pop as a secondary character and had Hunter S. Thompson do a cameo would obvioulsy have to be great, and luckily, Pete and Pete was that and more. Of course, I haven't seen the actual show in years but from what I can remember it was the quirkiest, wierdest, and funniest show I've ever seen BEFORE Arrested Development came out. Back in the glory days of living with my parents in the 8th grade I can remember watching cable tv for the entire summer, trying to balance the "neighborhood" basketball games with the ever-changing time slot of Pete and Pete. Man, that show was my ganja before I ever smoked. Shit had me hooked (this "no homo" is dedicated to djxplicit for his eternal vigilance).

I've been looking in video stores and the internets for years trying to find copies of old episodes and only finding shitty bootleg copy's off of fansites (which looked much to shady to purchase). I even contemplated tatooing "Petunia" onto my arm so I could watch her hypnotic dance and be reminded of my favorite show but I never followed through. For years I wandered like a man in the desert searching for water or like a man in search of an appropriate metaphor. As my writing indidcates, I found none of the above, but plenty of frustration for my efforts.

Now Nickelodeon has answered my prayers and provided a reason to get up in the morning.
That's right ya'll, Nick finally issued a DVD for the first Season of Pete and Pete with the other two seasons due in the next couple of years (or more realsitically, possibly released, depending on the sales of the first season). All I know is I can't wait to cop this DVD soon and watch it on my roommates DVD player while drinking the champagne and gettin' lifted and singing along to the opening theme: "ay yi yi yes indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!" Life does not get much better than watching Artie "the Strongest Man in the World" keeping the streets of Wellsville safe without the aid of any Krebstar products. Maybe I'll even invite Fantasy Liz over to watch with me.

In other news, I'll be pretty goddman busy this weekend with work but I promise to update if I possibly can before Monday. If not then, certainly on Tuesday. I'll try and toss up another post at ye olde B dot C if I can, but the readers seem to resent the guest posts so I might keep that shit on the back-burner. Seems kinda funny that the people with the most criticism with those posts are the ones who don't blog or choose not to link to their blog. Everyone's a critic I guess.
*out*

2005-06-05T18:42:00.000-05:00

MEET MY NEIGHBOR

As both of my readers know I recently moved into a suburban housing complex where they try and cram as many similar-looking houses into a small area (usually some old field a farmer no longer farms) so they can entice people looking for a new affordable home to move in and create some sort of neighborhood. Mainly the neighborhood aspect fails (at least in this neighborhood) because many residents are more concerned with yelling at their "little mistakes" than establishing relationships with those around them. Now granted, I have had a teenage neighbor come over and introduce himself, but since he chose to pontificate his disdain for Homosexuals and Mexicans, I don't really consider him an equal, or for that matter, a human being. In short, my neighbors are little more than un-educated crackas who think that because I'm Caucasian I will join their "White-Pride Ride" down the streets of Wanamaker, Indiana.

Of course, there are exceptions to this rule.

I could bore you with the details of how I found out that one of my neighbors is a stripper/escort, but no one really cares as long as I give up the address to her homepage. So in the intereest of keeping you two interested in my ramblings I now offer you the key to my neighborhood salvation:

Please visit the spot Go ahead, open up a new window and visit my favorite new neighbor.

I first noticed Fantasy Liz about 2 years ago when I moved into the neighborhood and noticed her walking her "little mistake"(this was before I moved out to eventually move back but I digress...). At first I was like "Damn that's a fine MILF!!!" but then later(about 10 days ago) I found out through my brother that she is an established stripper with a webpage. So now that I have internets access I do my best to visit my friendly neighbor as often as my cable modem allows. Now instead of oogling her through binoculars I can oogle her via the internets, which is much more comfortable. Yay!

Either way, I think it's awesome that at least one of my neighbors has found a way to escape the white-trash confines of my neighborhood by posting pictures of herself sucking dick on the internet. If any of my neighbors looked anywhere near as hot as Liz I would definately encourage them to try their hand at the internet stripper/escort game but since she's the best looking Caucasian in the 'hood I gotta give props. So hey, if any of you dear readers are up for donating a small monetary fee so I can rent Fantasy Liz for an evening and blow her back out feel free to drop me a line (or a check) at chiseven@gmail.com. Otherwise, just bookmark her site and laugh at the fact that there's some soft-core porn being documented in my neighborhood while I sit here and type out little blog-enties without getting any of that poo-nanny. My neighborhood rules.

*out*

2005-06-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

I'm Back In The Game This Sunday

Ninjas killed my family this May and my life has been a never-ending quest for vengance since.
I found them and killed their families and have been drunk on sake until recently. I just recently sobered up...so sorry 'bout that.
Plus, this Sunday I get the internets hooked back up at the crib so I'll be back online to share my brilliance with the rest of you fools. Just so you know.
*out*

2005-05-18T14:14:00.000-05:00

GODDAMMIT! FUCK! SHIT! COCKSUCKER-MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!
or
I've Moved!

"A whole neighborhood fulla crackas! NOOOOOOOOO!"

So I got booted out of my crib rather unceremoniously on Sunday and I now find myself in a new place which is much better than my previous pad (as far as creature comforts go) but a little more expensive and closer to neighbors. For the last 9 months I've had the benefit of living a good distance from my neighbors so I've been free to take all kinds of psychedelic mushrooms and communicate with nature naked. I never actually did any of that but I did relish being able to step out of my front door (if one of my roommates was using the only bathroom) and piss all over a tree or small woodland creature or whatever.

Unfortunately the golden age is over (get it? get it?) and I now find myself living in a neighborhood where all the homes are stacked together as close as possible. If it wasn't bad enough that I actually have to live next to people, I also have to live with a bunch of goddamn cracka-ass-crackas next to me. Understand dear reader, that these crackas are unlike anything you have experienced, for they are the Indiana (or "Hoosier" if you prefer) crackas and they are of a unique breed. I'll explain more in the next few posts. I should also point out that I am a cracka myself, but I have a superiority complex over my fellow crackas for no good reason.

Also, a number of policemen live in my neighborhood so I can't start the meth lab I've been planning on creating. Perhaps I'll install a moonshine still in my backyard. Is that illegal?

I dunno, but I have a mixed feeling of dread and delight when I anticipate all the neighborhood drama I will get to witness now that I'm in one of these manufactured neighborhoods and all the cracka-ass children are out of school. At least this place has a neighborhood pool where I can scope the MILF's and their "blossoming" daughters. Plus it sounds like my neighbor plays speed-metal guitar in the afternoons so that should be fun to listen to as I pop another Champagne and let the neighborhood entertain me. As soon as I get the internets hooked up I'll start posting up pictures of the crazy shit I see regularly. Expect mullets. Lots and lots of mullets. You have been warned.
*out*

2005-05-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

My Shitty Record Reviews

OR

Two Reasons I'll Never Get Paid To Write About Music

So I went to Best Buy today cuz I had a gift certificate to use and I figured I might be able to find something new to listen to. In fact, I found two albums to listen to and I wanted to share the experience with you. I picked up "Jam Room" by Clutch (which I thought was new but apparently it's a re-release but it's new to me...) and it fucking rocks. If you don't know who Clutch is then I pity you, but I don't hold it against you. Go do yourself a favor and visit their site that I linked to above.
If you insist on not visiting their site then I'll go ahead and describe them as some good-ol'-boys who love to make foot-stompin' rock n' roll. Their music consists of lots of crunchy guitars, wha-wha pedals and a bass player who can lock down a solid groove with the drummer. The singer sings about stuff like catfish bones and cornbread and he has an awesome gruff growl that most rock singers wish they possesed. The last time I saw these guys at my local-sub-par venue the singer was rockin' a thicker beard than Abe Lincoln and screaming about Jesus on the dashboard. It was great. Of course, that has nothing to do with their music but I think the rock factor is increased ten-fold if you have a singer with a huge beard. I also just made that up.
Either way, if you can appreciate some good foot-stompin' rock that makes you want to yell like a drunken sailor then Clutch is for you. Also, if you ever can, go catch these guys at your local bar when they come through town. They don't charge much for admission but they rock like everyone paid a hundred dollars for a ticket. They are (for my money) the most rockin' band out there and you are a sad individual if you like rock and don't own any Clutch. Oh yeah, this album is just one big 15 track jam with lots of drum breaks and grooves that will break your neck. That's the review.

I guess this came out today so I picked it up and thought "Do I have any weed? Yes I do." so I bought this crazy shit knowing that I'd have to be smokin' while listening to it eventually. I listened to it once without the herbal influence and it's pretty much as weird as the first Quasimodo album. (By the way if you don't know who Quasimodo is then I have no idea why you are here at my site since I figure both djxplicit and the 2 other people that read this are up on underground hip-hop. If you need help go to Stones Throw and learn.)
So anyway, Madlib's sped-up voice is back for another adventure and it's pretty fucking weird to my sober mind. The album is pretty slow in spots but it makes up for the slow tempos with the strange sound-clips that pop in and out of the tracks. Also, madlib re-uses a bunch of samples he's already used ( kinda like that One Beer song on MF Doom's new album that's also on Jaylib). If you've heard Madvillany then you'll recognize some audio snippets throughout the album. Still, this album is either genius or garbage. I tend to think it's more of the first than the last, but I would figure that most people will either love or hate Lord Quas so it could go either way. If you appreciate all kinds of music and experimentation then you'll probably dig this shit, but if you want some crappy experimental "hip-hop" then I would suggest buying some Anticon.
On a side note, I'd like to voice my disdain for Anticon right now:
I have never heard shittier music in my life. Fucking Lincoln Park is more hip hop than them.
Also, Dose-One is the most annoying rapper ever. He sounds like he's holding his nose when he rhymes. *Echhhhh!* End rant.
Anyhoo, I dig this Quas album cuz I know what to expect and I'm pretty sure that once I start blazin' the ism and bumpin this in the Taco (Toyota Tacoma) I'll love this like the first album.
A few good tracks that stand out in my mind are: Rappcats pt. 3, Closer, and The Exclusive.
Also, I don't really feel dissapointed with this album like most hip-hop I hear these days. Yay!
A question for you, dear readers:
Do you know anyone who likes Quasimodo but does not smoke weed?
I sure don't but I suspect they exist.
*out*

2005-04-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

I Can't Get Enough Of These Korean Karaoke Singers!!!

Lookin' like Pac-Man : *Gobble Gobble Gobble*

I was bored at work, killin' some time and lurking the soulstrut forums when I found this post.
Which led me to this, (really, click on this link!) which I now share with both of my readers. Enjoy, and turn the speakers up so your boss or whoever can appreciate it too.

In other news the personal life keeps getting busier so that's why there's been no updates.
Sorry ya'll.
And I'm pissed that some mu'fuckah with a comb-over is gonna make me spring forward.
Goddammit (Confused? Scroll down).
Aiiight, I'm out. Workin' on a Pope Post I started last week.
Also, I'm gonna freshen up the place a bit and do some more linkage and what-not if I can set aside the time.
*OUT*

2005-04-20T22:48:00.000-05:00

POPE-DIESEL

"Rise from your grave! This I command!"
(The new Pope looks like Bela Legosi)

So those crazy 'lics went and picked a new Pope that is waaay more Gangsta than the last one. I mean, if JPII was the Joan Baez of Catholicism then this new cat is like Slayer or Napalm Death for 'lics (I think that was a pretty crappy analogy but whatever). Apparently this new Pope doesn't care too much for homosexuals, liberal Catholics or rock music, so I think the Catholic Church made a pretty good choice for the face of their organization (Thanks for the links Ian!). I only say this of course, because I think that Catholicism is pretty much the sole organized religion that embodies everything that is wrong with religion in one aspect or another. When I think of Catholics I think of molestation, drinking, people reproducing like rabbits, Latin, sinning and the tendency for it's followers to be hypocrites with a false sense of moral-superiority over everyone else. But that's just me. If you think I'm being biased then blame the Catholic Church for bad PR cuz that's all based on observation.

Anyway, I think the pick for the new Pope is great because now the Catholic Church doesn't have to front like it wants to love everyone while condemning homosexuals or people who get abortions. The Catholic Church shouldn't give a fuck what anybody else thinks of them cuz as far as religions go they are the proverbial 800 lb. Gorilla. Fo' rilla. Now they got this Pope who may-or-may-not have liked being a Hitler Youth and is called "God's Rottweiler" so that to me is basically saying, "Hey World, Fuck Off. The Catholic Church Does Whatever The Fuck It Wants." I know when he first appeared as the Pope he was all "I want to love everyone" but mark these words, this new Pope-Diesel is going to start some shit.

Look, if this cat says that rock music is the "vehicle of antireligion" and that Buddhism is a "religion for the self-indulgent" ( quotes taken from that last link) then I wouldn't be suprised if he invited the Dalai Lama over to the Vatican just to strangle him to death as he burns out the D.L.'s eyes with his own robotic-laser-Pope-Eyes (patent pending). After that, I could see him tossing the D.L.'s corpse to the side as he blasts out of the roof of the Vatican City to go blow up Mecca and that giant box with the rock in it. You know what I'm talkin' about.

This new Pope will have superpowers too. I guarantee that the last Pope was dead for years, but the Catholic Church had enough money to create some technology that turned JPII into a walking animatronic Pope. You ever been to Disneyland and seen those robots move? That's what I'm talkin' about! Now that they have an old dude who is still alive they are no doubt rewiring his nervous system with DSL and all sorts of neat shit that'll make him bionic and un-fuck-wittable. Those Catholics are rich so "they have the technology to rebuild him." He'll be the first Pope to excommunicate somebody by crushing them with his metal exo-skeleton. He'll also drink blood and have an ICBM where his never-used dick used to be. Shit's crazy!
Oh man, I'm going to hell. Oh well. They shoulda picked some South American to be the pope.
But seriously, beware the new Pope. I don't trust him.

*out*

2005-04-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

No Motherfucker With A Comb-Over Is Going To Tell Me To Spring Forward

You aren't fooling anyone Mitch.(But that girl in the corner is pretty fly!)

As both of my readers know, I live in Indiana where we, as well as Arizona and Hawaii (i think), don't observe daylight-savings time because it's fucking retarded. It's basically one of the only cool things about living in Indiana because in the spring all the TV shows are on an hour earlier and I don't have to fuck around with setting clocks like the rest of you poor souls out there. I must admit that I have lived in Indiana all of my life and as a result I don't understand the advantages, if there are any, of changing your clock an hour twice a year. To me, the act seems futile. Time never changes, so why try and set your clock an hour ahead to pretend it's earlier or later or whatever? What is this massive illusion that descends upon time in the spring and fall? I fear it.

Anyway, I don't usually care about Daylight Savings Time because it doesn't affect me, but now, thanks to local idiot legislators and my balding governor Mitch Daniels, myself and the rest of Indiana will be drinking the DST Kool-Aid in April of 2006. Well, maybe. It is a close vote so there is a chance that I won't actually have to participate in this massive illusion next year, but I'm still pissed that my local representatives in Indianapolis actually considered it. I owe a big "goddamn you" to my new Governor Mitch Daniels, who used to be part of the Bush administration , and is a big backer of the change. In fact, he calls it a "top priority" in his tenure as Governor. I don't trust this self-decieving, pig-kissin', possible-white-collar-crook for one second. This switch to DST is some insidious plot to enslave me through capitalism and bring back Liberace from the dead. I know because my dog told me before he moved to Missouri where he was tragically killed by a Station Wagon back in '97 or '98. Oh Nacho, I miss you so.

But seriously, fuck Daylight Savings Time. I understand the benefits for the economy and the environment and usually I'd be down for those causes, but I just want to be able to ensure that the youth of Indiana can maybe catch some orno's (no "p" because there's no penetration) on Skinamax because all the programs are on an hour earlier. When you are in 8th grade, ornos are the best reward of staying up past your bed-time watching cable. Anybody remember Sherman Oaks? What about those shitty Pamela Anderson movies where the whole plot of the movie led up to her pullin' out those silicone titties? That's what 8th grade was all about in the Spring-Time! Damn! Look, DST may save people money but it will not help young children get exposed to crappy B-Movie ornos, thus enabling them to live a normal life. Since I have always been about saving the children, I must condone DST, because otherwise, who will think of the children?

Oh and on a side note, Embrace of the Vampire is the best orno ever made. Discuss.
*out*

2005-03-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

My Stunted Mailbag

OR

If There Is An Intelligent Kanye West Fan Out There They Don't Write Me E-Mail's

"No porn today chiseven, but I do have some hate mail!"

I was going to post this up on Saturday but Blogger ate my post so I've been building up the courage to write this all over again. Also, great minds think alike, so Bol posted the same damn post the same day I did (a mailbag post, that is...) so I wasn't sure if I'd actually post this or not, but fuck it, what else do I have to do?

Anyhoo, I got to work on Saturday and found the following E-Mail from Grand Marquis' girlfriend. It warmed my heart so much that I wanted to share it with ya'll:

From: ********@sbcglobal.net
Sent: Friday, Marcdh 18, 2005 11:16 PM
Subject: I Saw Your Crappy Shoe

Chiseven,

I was on the internet the other day using ***'s settings on my computer and linked onto your blog, or piss poor excuse for a blog, I should say. Anyway, I linked to your site an saw that piece of shit shoe you submitted. I'm gonna say right here and now that you make me want to puke my fucking guts out. You are a dirty man with a filthy, filthy, mind Chiseven.

Next time you publish anymore of that shit art of yours heed these words. Your shoe makes Andre Serrano's pictures of used tampons look like the center panel of the sistene chapel. You should be on your fucking knees thanking Cassius Marcellus Coolidge showing that shit art can sell for high $. Dogs playing poker motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time you pick up a brush, marker, spray paint can, or piece of clay, pull your head out of your ass and take a look around, you talentless hack.

One Love,

Alea

Thank you for your kind words Alea. I have given up art to pursue a life of taping "The View." Thank you for showing me the error of my ways, you drunken KY whiskey-fiend, you.

So aside from recieving such encouraging letters, I also get mail from idiot Kanye West fans who seem to think that they must defend the honor of a man that I slandered on my blog. Which is fine, since I have enabled the comments, but I have to wonder why such inarticulate fools would actually take the time out of their day to post up ignorant and mispelled comments to defend some idiot college-dropout that has a bigger ego than his royalty checks. Perhaps these misguided souls have adopted Kanye's anti-college stance and feel the need to demonstrate the (rotten) fruits they have cultivated as a result. I don't know. What I do know is that spell-check isn't that difficult to use but these mu'fuckahs act like spelling words correctly is more of a suggestion than an established rule of language and communication. Either way, here is a standard comment dropped by these mouth-breathers, for your entertainment:

Anonymous writes:

How about this... whenever you grow up, and learn to respect G.O.O.D music, maybe ill finish the rest of your laim-brain article. You say Kanye's a "retard"? You wasted a lot of time on him writin up this whole lil so called article about him. He didnt go to college, and he still gettin crazy paid doin what he love to do. Hell, he could probably buy yo broke ass. It sounds to me like you wanna be this rich,teddy bear wearin,roca fella producin,hit makin nigga who you tryin to dis...I cant believe this. You actually came and put this bull shit on the internet! Damn, you might as well kiss his ass now, cause you couldnt get no lower than this...So BITCH...without wastin too much time... He killin yal niggas wit this lyrical shit/he got mayonaise colored cars,he push myrical whips...

Wow. In the first fragmented sentence there's already a reference to Kanye's "label" G.O.O.D. Music (which must stand for something...) so this tells me that this individual is really on Kanye's dick. Plus, how fucking retarded do you have to be to misspell "lame"? Is your helmet on too tight when you surf the internet or what man? Yes, Kanye probably could buy my broke ass, but it certainly wouldn't take much money since I'm just some broke white-kid from Indianapolis. Hell, if Kanye will buy me a big sack of that sticky green I'll post something about how awesome it is that Kanye samples other producers drums when they leave them open on their compositions (see that Scratch article for that refrence). The best part though, is how they attempt to use Kanye's poor lyrics as a way to put me in my place with the "mayonaise colored cars/I push MIRACLE whips" line. Look, that line is stupid. Miracle Whip is a salad-dressing. Look on the label. This little play on words is not really that clever. Who the fuck would pen a line about how awesome it is to drive semen-colored cars besides Kanye West? If your idea is that Kanye West is killing me with homo-erotic rhymes than he can win that battle kid, because I could care less about Kanye struggling to come to terms with his latent homosexuality within the homophobic hip-hop community. Otherwise, thank you for your comments you illiterate, anonymous dick-rider.

Finally, ett writes:

to me

Feb 24
People just hate on Kanye..You tellin me his music isnt betta den da wilson bitch...idk ...fuck u who wrote dis cuz kanye is making way more money den...YOU..soo jus think bout dat..n every 1 in da rap game respects him so hop off

These Kanye fans sure like to talk about how much money Kanye makes. Perhaps they are living vicariously through him or maybe it's just him posting as a Kanye West fan. As he is a man of dubious ethics, I wouldn't put it past him. Look, Kanye West makes more money than me and I'm fine with that. I may not be able to buy semen-colored cars but at least I can spell "miracle" and look at my college-degree chillin' in my desk-drawer. Word.
Well, the High-Life is beginning to take it's toll so I'll sign off.
Until next time...
*out*

2005-03-12T18:08:00.000-05:00

MY SHOE IS FAMOUS

Sorry for the big picture but I needed detail...

Sometime last summer I participated in this Sneaker Pimps show when it dropped through Indy last year by painting some shoes. I met one of the Australian dudes that run the shit and they hooked me up with some Air Force Ones (i think) to paint the night before the opening. I didn't really have much time to paint 'em up cuz I was busy with some job shit but I was able to come up with a little sumptin' sumptin' for the event. So I had a great time that night, drank Budweisers for free (Hell, I posted about it here), painted another shoe and then sent them on their way to tour the world.

Now like six months later I find that one of my shoes has popped up in a Finish Line catalouge.
That's it in the top right corner.
My friends shoes' also popped up near the bottom (the ones that say graffiti).
So that's cool.
Actually, my shoe is even sharing space with 50 cent and Jay-Z who are pictured on the previous page so now my shoe has been co-opted into some marketing appeal to the "urban" market.
So that sucks.
But oh well, it is nice to see my shoe again since I didn't get a picture of it the first time.

I want to know if this catalouge I got is just regional (going to Indianapolis only) or if it ships across the country. Who wants to stop by a Finish Line to pick up a catalouge so I can know how famous my shoe is? I'll even hook that person up with some music or some beer or whatever for the effort, so if you don't live in Indiana, stop by your local Finish Line so you can give me my sweet information. The comments are open. Go!
*out*

2005-03-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'll Tell You What I'd Do With A Bunch Of Money If I Had It

You dumb bastard. Asimo can't eat cake.

So, I don't sit around and fantasize about what I'd do if I was rich most of the time but I was reading the various tributes to B.I.G. found thru those links to the right and I started thinking about how much money is made off of dead rappers. As I explored this thought with the aid of a tall 16oz. Champagne I began to think of the debates concerning B.I.G.'s G.O.A.T. status and I finally concluded that I have no interest in debating if he was the greatest rapper of all time or whatever. However, I would like to debate whether or not Biggie would have owned an Asimo if he was alive today. I'd like to think that this alternate-reality Biggie I speak of would have an Asimo (that robot up there).
One thing is certain, and that is that lots of people get rich at this rap game but not many of them ever really buy anything interesting. I mean sure, they buy alot of cars and jewelry and stuff that's real expensive and there's also cats like Questlove that take their money and buy a bunch of old records or whatever but you never hear of anybody doing any crazy eccentric shit like buying the Elephant Man's bones or Buying an Asimo to Roll Blunts. I think that's one of the reasons that hip hop/rap news/discussions bore me so much. Any time I go to one of these shitty hip hop/rap news pages it's all about some boring pro-wrestling drama. It's kind of wierd to say but I want to read some crazy shit like Cam'Ron talking about working with scientists to make a new color (except I'd rather it be anybody but Cam...). So that said, I was thinking about what I'd do if I was filthy rich with rap money and I came to the conclusion that it would be dope to have an Asimo.
I'm pretty sure that this robot can run and climb stairs and recognize people and all sorts of other ill shit so I'd venture it's pretty possible that these things could carry rappers weed and possibly roll blunts as well. Best of all, it can't rap so there's no need to let it rap on your tracks like those other weed carriers/crew members. I think somebody should let Ghostface Killah know that huge golden eagles that perch on your wrist are cool but robots that carry your weed and can run are cooler. Plus, it'd be pretty dope to see your favorite rapper pop out of some SUV with a few Asimo robots in tow instead of a bunch of random dudes nobody recognizes. In concert, the robot could dance and hold extra mic's while the rapper performs. Plus, if he falls off the stage like Trouble T-Roy it'll be no big deal cuz robots can't die. So with all that said, I'd like to open up the comments section with a question for the two people that read this blog:
Do You Think Biggie Would Have An Asimo If He Were Alive Today?
I think he would but I don't have any specific reason to claim this. Thoughts?

Also, as a reward for those who actually read this post, I have decided to post up a track from that new Beck album that's not out yet. I don't know the name, but who cares right?
It's yours for free until next week so download that shit.
*out*

2005-03-02T02:05:00.000-05:00

Anthony Kedis Was A Crackhead

OR

Book Review: Scar Tissue by Anthony Kedis

"Now I shoot up ozone!"

A few days ago I was at the library lookin' for a new book to read since my last foray into fiction produced a stinker (O'Brien's "Going After Cacciato") so I figured I'd go with some "guilty-pleasure" reading that I could breeze through real quick-like. I saw this book and figured that since I vaugley remembered hearing about Kedis being a heorin addict that It'd be a pretty entertaining read. Now by all the accounts that I've seen on say VH1's "Behind the Music" or whatever it was always implied that Kedis was just a former heroin addict but John Frusciante was the really fucked up one (you saw that video right?). But maaaan, Kedis wasn't a former heroin addict-he was a full blown addict and a goddamn crack-head when he wasn't on-stage.
Interesting.

(DISCLAIMER:Usually I'm not one for celebrity gossip, but since rap music is turning into Pro-Wrestling this week I figured I could do this book review since I don't post more often.)

There's also neat stories about Kedis's dad smoking his first joint with his son and loaning Anthony his girlfriend so he could lose his virginity and all other sorts of crazy stories about his drugged-out childhood. Besides the tantalizing crack-head confessions throughout the book, the best feature of the book is the development of the Chili Peppers through the years. The chapter on the making of "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" is really insightful and the story seems to be gaining momentum at this point.

Anyway, blah blah blah and all that shit because really, I like the RHCP so I figured this book would be fun to read. It was. If you want to buy it you can do so here but I bet you could find it in your local library and read it for free. I'd recommend that you read it for free because if Anthony Kedis makes any money on this book he just might relapse and blow all the profits on cocaine and other drugs like he does numerously throughout the book. If he does this then that makes us all enablers for his filthy habit, and that's just not cool.

I figured I'd leave ya'll with a few patented (and forbidden/illegal quotes) Kedis Crack-Head Confessionals:
"I remember one poignant night moment when I still had the house in the hills. I was driving down Beechwood at night getting high in my car. I came to a stop sign, and this car full of twenty-year old boys pulled up next to me. They looked over at me and said, "Hey Anthony!"...I was trying to ignore them , but I sneaked a glance at their car. One of them stared at me and said, "Hey, it's not him," and they drove off. That couldn't be him, because Anthony didn't look like a fucking ghost."
and
"As soon as you hit the pipe, boom, there's that familiar instantaneous release of seratonin in the brain, a feeling that's almost too good. You instantly start short-circuiting in your brain, because to get all that seratonin at once is so crazy and so intense that you're liable to stand up and take off all your clothes and go walking into the nieghbors house because you feel that good. And on one occasion I almost did that."

and finally (cuz I'm tired of transcribing this):
"One time I was smoking coke in the car and was way too high to drive safely, and I had a bunch of paraphernalia and drugs right under the seat. I must have been driving erradically, because a cop pulled me over. I got the window halfway down, and this young, vicious-looking LAPD cop shone his flashlight on me and said, 'Oh, Mr. Kedis! My bad! I'm sorry, sir, excuse me for the interruption, but I really have to tell you that this is a pretty dangerous area, so you might want to exercise caution around here. You have a good night now.'"

What a lucky crack-head.
On a Side Note:
Anyone know where I can host some mp3's for free so I can share some music with ya'll?
*out*

2005-02-24T17:45:00.000-05:00

Hunter S. Thompson Went Out Like A Champ

See one of the finest eulogies that will be penned for the legend by Ralph Steadman.
Those familiar with the Doctor's work may be familiar with his last wish (explained here).
And to those who think he went out like a chump, let the words of his son (who found his father after the shooting) reverberate in your craw until you understand that the man went out on his own terms and ended his life as he lived most of it, that is, in control of his own destiny.
(BTW, I do plan on posting more often but I've had a hectic personal life since I last posted so expect more stuff soon. I just wanted to pay tribute to the most interesting writer I have ever read and acknowledge that his manic drug-fueled tales inspired some of the most enjoyable times I've experienced on hallucinogins, legal or not. Thanks Hunter, Rest in Peace.)
*out*

2005-02-02T20:31:00.000-05:00

Hugo Chavez Ain't Scared...

"I'm about to piss off a bunch of rich white assholes and I don't give a fuck."

I just wanted to post this up before the media starts aquainting you with my comrade Hugo Chavez, the elected President of Venezuela. In the next few months I predict that the U.S. media will be pretty critical of his descisions regarding Venezuelan oil so I figured that I'd pull a pre-emptive strike and tell you why Hugo Chavez is a revolutionary hero and will soon be painted as the "New Castro."
Before I go any further you should really take a moment to familiarize yourself with Chavez.
Go ahead, I'll wait.
Now the whole reason I started this post was because I was flipping through the latest issue of "Time" that my roommate recieves once a week when I noticed an article on the mighty Chavez. I'll save you the effort of reading it and pull the gist out of the article like a still-beating heart, ready and waiting for your approval as it palapatates in my bloody hands. Uh, okay...

The article mentions that Venezuela is the U.S.'s 4th largest oil supplier and that the Bush administration wants to avoid alienating him because well, we need that oil. The article mentions that there are some people in Washington who want to "mend fences" with Chavez but they are having a hard time convincing the Bush administration that this is a good idea because the administration views him as attempting to destabilize Latin America (ie. attempting to boot out the yanqui influence that has crippled that continent for too long). The article mentions that Condi Rice called Chavez a "'negative force' in the hemisphere" during her confirmation hearings. It also mentions that Chavez suspects the U.S. of supporting the failed coup-attempt in 2002 (and the article quickly points out that the Bush administration denies this) and I suspect that his suspicions are correct. Anyway, the article also includes a quote from Chavez that proves he ain't takin' no shit from mark-ass puppets like Condi Rice. He calls Rice "an illeterate" who "seems to dream about me." Also, if memory serves me correctly he also once called George Bush an "asshole" and a "pendejo."

That, my friends, is why Hugo Chavez is the real deal.

I already have a soft spot for Latin American leaders who attempt to revolutionize their country (mystuntedgrowth encourages the removal of all sanctions against Cuba) to save it from becoming a banana-republic of the U.S. so it should be no suprise that I'm down with Chavez and damn near anything he does (sell China some oil! Fuck it!). Though he is not as repressive as Castro he does share the same qualities that radical mu'fuckahs like me love( see the wikipedia link if you don't know). Any leader that attempts to resist American influence is good in my book. Plus, he ain't scared of little bitches like the U.S. Government.

In fact, I'd like to officially invite Hugo Chavez to the Eastside of Indianapolis so we can work on a rap track titled "President Pendejo." This visit would solidify the solidarity and mutual respect that chiseven and the people of Venezuela have shared for many years. If he takes me up on the offer than I fully intend to fire up the Akai S-20 and pull out the Peruvian records ( I only have one Venezuelan record) so we can make a bangin' dis track aimed at my corrupt government. Furthermore, I encourage Chavez to bring a few examples of that Venezuelan bud so we can have an international smoke-session. Miller High Life will be provided for cotton-mouth. I will rap in English and attempt to rap in espanol while he can rap in espanol and attempt to rap in English. We can help each other out if we can't figure out the exact words. Either way, I expect nothing short of brilliance. And, if we get the dis record done quick enough then we can re-read "Guerilla Warfare" and freestyle about Che Guevara while we smoke authentic Cuban Cigars stuffed with mid-grade marijuana ( I can't afford the good shit). If anyone has the right connections please feel free to pass this on to Chavez so he can come visit the Independent Republic of Chiseven located on 25th Street in Indianapolis, Indiana. Other like-minded individuals are encouraged to join the freestyle sessions as well. All diplomatic communications will be handled via the chiseven@gmail.com mailbox.
Viva Chavez!
*out*

2005-01-27T15:47:00.000-05:00

Bloggers Are Outraged!!!

"Oh look, that man has a monkey on a chain that smokes and drinks! I better blog my outrage and tell everyone to complain because my delicate moral sensibilities have been violated!"

So for those of you who don't regularly peruse the links on the right, let me summarize an interesting phenomenon that has occured in the realm of blogs concerning a radio station in NYC, an "offensive" song about the Tsunami, and the psuedo-outrage that has successfully resulted in suspensions, apologies, a half-assed rap "dis" song and a lame-ass boycott where people ask companies to quit advertising on the offending station. I won't bother typing up a summary, but I will point you towards a few links that will get you up to speed:
Start here, scroll down and start reading from the bottom up.
Then, go here and I dunno, get outraged or something.
Take a deep breath and then read Wang's outrage.
Now yawn.

That's it. That's really about as much attention as the "scandal" demands but alot of people are outraged...that's right, OUTRAGED at how racist and offensive the song is. I mean, sure the song is unfunny and pretty mean, but really, who gives a fuck?
After all of this complaining and boycotting and contacting advertisers and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah there are still going to be racists and people that say offensive things, so what's the big deal? What is any of this outrage going to produce? Is your blog going to change the world? Fuck no. You can't change the world if I can't get Kanye's Grammy nominations revoked, so why try? Jin ain't gonna suddenly be a good rapper because he so boldly and assertivley wrote a "dis" rhyme aimed at a radio station (even though the actual content of said "dis" record is really boring and tame as far as "disses" go). All this angry typing ain't gonna do a thing but give you a false sense of accomplishment. Sheeeeiiit...

"But wait, they did successfully get some advertisers to quit advertising on the radio station!"

Well, sure right now when the heat is on Hot 97 , any corporration that knows a thing or two about PR is going to pull their advertising publicly and then return to advertising there privately. This gives you well-meaning bloggers the illusion of accomplishment and I hope you all enjoy it because it's fucking hollow. How dare you think you can stop the elaborate mechanisms of capitalism over an "offensive" remark with a letter writing campaign? You think McDonalds is going to stop advertising to a huge market because the radio station mocks Tsunami victims and Asians? HELL NO! Once this little controversy dies down McDonalds will be back to telling these hip-hop kids how much they should love shrinking their arteries with Big Mac's and French Fries. *Ba ba ba ba ba ba you're dumb as shit*

Here's the deal ya'll:
You don't like that offensive Tsunami shit? Don't listen to the radio station. Ignore them.
I don't even live near NYC and I can tell that this is just a blatant attempt to "out-controversy" (yeah, I coined a new word, WHAT?) Star & Buc when they return to the NYC radio market. That's why I don't give a fuck. Why play yourself as a champion of the downtrodden and the oppressed when you are really just a running-dog for a corporate entity?
Remember: Any publicity is good publicity and controversy sells. Don't deny it.

Also, bol is right when he brings up this point:
"what they're trying to do is no better than the people on the religious right who call and bitch to the FCC everytime they hear anything even slightly offensive on TV or the radio."
No doubt. I know all the blogs I've read this on tend to be pretty liberal so it's really pretty funny to see them behaving like the people they write entries about.
Also, I don't know about you but I'm a pretty tired of "liberals" being so goddamn serious about everything. Take that sense of outrage out of your ass and laugh unapologetically at racism.
Don't front like you didn't laugh your ass off while watching "Blazing Saddles". Don't front like you never laughed at some punchline in an emcee battle where one emcee made a crack on another emcees race/color or creed. I've got racist friends but I don't boycott them because I disagree with their opinions. Stop trying to act like you are the zenith of morality and ethics or you are no better than those religious conservatives that you seem so eager to mock.
Here's something funny to laugh at:
One of my black friends says that white people smell like "bologna."
I think that's hilarious. I wonder if we do?
*out*

2005-01-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

Why Is The Back Of Fat Joe's Head So Photogenic?

Exhibit A

So I was flipping through this "Hip Hop Immortals" book my brother brought over to the crib and peepin' all the hip hop heads pictured with the shitty general description of the artists when I started to notice a disturbing trend with Fat Joe's pictures. Out of three pictures of Fat Joe, two are of the back of his head. I thought this was kind of weird until I was flipping through the latest issue of "Elemental" magazine and I saw another picture of the back of Fat Joe's head. Now I'm no fan of Fat Joe and I am certainly no fan of men, so I gotta ask:
What is so damn interesting about the back of Fat Joe's cranium?
I could understand if he had the hot-dog neck where the folds of fat crinkle up to look like a plump pack of franks, but he lacks this fat-man characteristic. If he had these tell-tale fat-roll-franks then I might suspect that the photographer was photographing his rhyme essence, the very spot in his body where he stores his rhymes, but this is not so. See exhibit B:

See? No Hot-Dog Neck! So what's the deal?!?
The only thing I can see that is kinda interesting about the last picture is the fact that that little crease kinda looks like a mouth you might find on a jack 'o lantern, or the mouth of the Onyx logo (remember that? No? Well, here's a refresher...).

I bet if Fat Joe just had someone draw the Onyx logo on the back of his dome he might be able to inspire Fredro Starr and Sticky Fingaz to give up the acting and get back to making rap songs about beating the shit out of bootleggers like on "Bacdafucup" but perhaps I'm just dreaming (and I think I am since those Onyx CD's they made after the 1st one pretty much sucked).
Either way, I still can't figure out what the deal is with the back of Fat Joe's neck. If this dude was smart he's be renting out the back of his neck to corporations for product placement since his back is photographed way more than his front. Can any of you explain this phenomenon to me? The mystery of Fat Joe's neck eludes me...
Still Coming:
The Rise and Fall of O'Shea Jackson.
I've been working on gathering info. It'll be worth the wait...
*out*

2005-01-04T20:35:00.000-05:00

We Now Return To Our Regular Format
or
A Cautionary Tale For All Would-Be Rappers

At least this dude writes his OWN shitty rhymes.

I think I've let the Kanye West stuff rock long enough for me to begin taking down other people I don't know. I mean, after talking to David Lindquist from the Indianapolis Star about this whole Kanyegate scandal and having him call me and bol irresponsible for starting all this shit, I kinda figure that I've done as much as I can. But don't count me out of this, as it is still picking up steam. For now though, I want to direct your attention to the single worst rap name ever.

See that kid up there?
This dude actually calls himself (and he must be oblivious to the double-meaning, or at least a homosexual) Lil' Browneye. Now I can't tell if this dude actually has brown orejas but I can say with confidence that I bet he has a browneye. Everyone does right? Right! But, how many people do you know who would actually create a rap-moniker that calls attention to it? There is no way that this kid knows that he is esentially calling himself Lil' Anus because if you look on his website you can tell that he is totally serious about his name. You can even listen to a song he wrote as Lil' Browneye (seriously, go look at his website...not to be missed). Now, I'm all for encouraging young musicians to develop their craft and I do think this cat needs to work REALLY hard to make some good music, but I'm not going to insult his music (you however, are encouraged to tell him what you think of his music) because that would be too easy. Instead, as a way to prove that I'm no hater of any kind, I have decided to help this young man change his name to Lil' Anus. If he insists on retaining the cliched Lil' prefix for his rap-name and continues on as Lil' Browneye than he will be lost in a myriad of other Lil' whatevers clogging up the rap game. However, if he follows my advice and embraces the Lil' Anus name then he will shine like a platinum chain in the drawer of other Lil' rappers. Plus, he could be all adament about his name whenever anyone tries to rip on him. For example:

Some guy: "Uhm, nice show uh..."
LA: "Lil' Anus dun. Respect!"
SG: "Waitaminnit-Lil' Anus? Like, an asshole? Are you serious?"
LA: "Hell jeah son, I like to poop, so I figured I'd rep my favorite body part. Gotta problem?"
SG: [rolling on the floor laughing hysterically] "Nope."

See? Plus, I bet he could get all sorts of media attention just for the name alone. Wouldn't you want to read an article about some guy that calls himself Lil' Anus? Well, maybe not the whole article, but wouldn't you want to know why someone would actually rep the Lil' butthole name?
I know I would because I'd be trying to figure out if it was a joke or not.
Well, whatever...
I can only hope he takes my advice and capitalizes on my brilliant idea before I sign and market my own female MC known only as Lil' Labia who will (no doubt) blow up with her first single "Notorious V.A.G." on chiseven records. Keep your ears to the streets ya'll. Small-town-Indiana-rappers are about to blow. Or suck. Whatever you prefer.
NEXT POST (unless something better comes up):
What the fuck happened to you O'Shea Jackson?
And in the spirit of Bol, let me just end with a big NO HOMO.
*out*

2004-12-16T01:16:00.000-05:00

Remember, It's All About The Children...

In an effort to inspire the youth of today, or rather, our greatest hope for tomorrow, I fully recommend that you sign the following petition. We must instill values of the highest order for our children and create a world in which they can look up to their favorite rappers and say, I believe in you. We must also create a world in which arrogant and egotistical musicians cannot boast of their valor and remain unchecked for blatant abuse of trust. This my friends is the first step. Won't you please think of the children?
(scroll down if you are confused...)

2004-12-15T10:07:00.000-05:00

Ghostwriter? Co-Writer? Why Split Hairs?

For a little money you can be my co-author...

Well, bol forced my hand on this one. I was going to wait, but hey fuck it, let's get it over with.
That's right ya'll, Kanye didn't write "Jesus Walks" but this dude did. Here's the proof:

"He’s also frustrated at seeing some of the songs from Raw Dawg[his first album] get airplay only when West released it on his own album. He uses the Rhymefest/West collaboration “Jesus Walks,” as an example.
“I was going around this town performing ‘Jesus Walks’ two years ago,” he says. “I even gave it to a radio station. You think they played it? No. But when it came out on an international scale, then they go back and play it. But when I had it and was giving it to people, it was just another local guy with a song that sounds halfway good.”
Still not convinced? Try this article. Go ahead, I'll wait.
See, now notice that in both articles that the song is referred to as a collaboration. If, this song is such a collaboration then why would Rhymefest (yes, it is a ridiculous rap name) be pushing the song two years before Kanye co-writes it with him? The answer of course is money. Now I can't prove this, but hey, I'm anonymous and I call out people for real, regardless of responsibility or whatever, so I'm gonna do it anyway. See, I think that Kanye saw his buddy with this dope song and he was like "yo, if you put this song you already wrote on my album I'll give you some loot and give you co-writing credit." 'Fest of course, would be like, "Well fuck yeah, ain't no producers or rappers here in Indy signed to the Roc. Gimmie that loot." Which y'know, I can't blame him for selling an old song that probably wouldn't be heard otherwise.
But still, I'm sure if I cough up enough scratch for some Mc's verse then I too can be called a co-writer. Say what you will, but in my book, Rhymefest ghostwrote those rhymes for money and an opportunity to get some shine in the music business.
And you may say so what? There's plenty of ghostwriting in rap/hip-hop, and it's not always a bad thing. I agree. Ghostwriting is never a bad thing for the author, but it doesn't add credibility to the one who spits rhymes like they are his own. See, I would keep this under my hat and not comment on it if Kanye West just wasn't such a douche. For him to pay people for rhymes/concepts/etc. is no big deal, but for him to act like he is the next G.O.A.T. of the rap game (which he does regularly) is unexcusable. Poor Kanye has fallen victim to his own hype-men. Sure he can sample a catchy record and use the same break over and over again but his music is nothing classic. If you don't believe me then seal up your Kanye record and don't play it for 5 years. Listen to it then and I guarantee it won't be as awesome as you thought it was.
By then, you'll be gettin' down to some other sound and Kanye will sound trite.

So either way, watch the Grammies and see if Kanye shouts out Rhymefest or brings him on stage if he wins an award for "best songwriter" if he does not acknowledge his "collaboration" then I'm going to upload that video I have of Kanye peeing on my little sister and continue to berate Kanye until his mother rushes to his defense in my comments section.
Mystery solved. Kanye=needs a ghostwriter to get a Grammy.
*out*

2004-12-13T13:04:00.000-05:00

Monday's Tin-Foil Hat Edition

join me as I wallow in conspiracy...

Gary Webb, author of the expose "Dark Alliance..." was found dead this weekend of an apparent suicide. The article I just linked to claims that most of his investigative reporting was proven to be incorrect, which is, of course, bullshit. Now I'm no investigative reporter, but I have read that book and the evidence is damning (especially in the case of Oliver North, who certainly did his part to get the crack-explosion of the 1980's kickin'). Despite what the C.I.A. has said since the allegations (such as investigating themselves and finding no evidence to back up Webb's claims) I cannot doubt the accuracy of Webb's reporting. From what I remember of the book (which I read about 2 years ago) the evidence suggests that possibly George Bush Sr. knew about the crack-C.I.A. connection which is where this story draws most of their paranoia. Now I can't really say much more about the book except that you should all read it. You should all read this article which highlights some of the main assertions in the book and the impact it had when the original stories were published in the San Jose Mercury News. Either way, I find it hard to believe that Gary Webb committed suicide. I'll be checking the news these next few days for the "Gary Webb was really depressed just before they found him dead" stories that will inevitably pop up but I suspect that they won't even appear because the last time Webb made any sort of impact in American consciousness was back in 1996. Therefore, down the memory-hole.

We continue the adventures in conspiracy land with this from Greg Palast:
GREG PALAST: "I came here tonight to warn you that there are cooks and cranks and crazies out there on the internet who think that John Kerry won. Now, I know because one of those articles on the internet called “John Kerry Won,” on Tompaine.com ... I wrote it. "
Palast gives us interesting figures such as this on how the government continues to disenfranchise black voters:
"the U.S Civil Rights Commission found that found if you are a Black person in America, the chance of your vote being tossed in the garbage -- you cast your vote and it's thrown away -- is 800% higher than if you are a white voter, okay?"
Scary stuff. Especially coming from the reporter who pretty much proved that the 2000 Election was corrupt in Florida. I dunno, maybe I'm too much of a "sore-loser" or "conspiracy nut" but I don't think it's that far of a stretch to believe that the people in power within the U.S. might turn to illegal methods in order to maintain control of power. Power corrupts right?

Dear readers, this is when I turn the rest of the conversation over to you. My comments section allows anonymous comments, so I wonder if any of you would like to contribute your 2 cents to my little conspiracy corner. See, I figure that the main reason that people would label people like me who think that possibly, there is some truth to the C.I.A. crack-connection and there's also enough evidence to suggest that the last two elections were tainted, is because most people believe that America(as a government and all that entails) cannot make mistakes. That is, America always fights for what's right and is therefore, good. I suspect our education and the media help foster this belief throughout our lives in order to make things run smoothly. Anyway, my question to ya'll is this:
Should I abandon my cynicism and skepticism towards the powers-that-be and join the RNC knowing that I'm just another opportunistic parasite hoping to benefit from their exploit of the common man? I mean, I'm pretty sure our government is corrupt beyond belief, but should I sit here and criticize it and do my best to try and reform it, or should I just join the evil-pigfuckers and attempt to get my slice of the pie? Drop me a line.
And if you aren't feeling that question, bol has a question for you to answer as well.
Now hopefully we can get some news that will lead to funny posts in the next few days. Oh, and my Kanye-West hating continues off-line as well. See, I'm trying to figure out how to prove that "Jesus Walks" was ghostwritten by an Indianapolis mc (originally from Chi-town) because every weekend when I'm at a party with people that know him (the ghostwriter) someone always mentions that he wrote "Jesus Walks" back in the 90's and then sold it to Kanye. Now the only reason I actually belive this shit is because this ghostwriter must be telling everyone he wrote it. I've had at least 6 conversations where (without me bring this ghostwriting issue up) someone mentions the ghostwriting shit. My next step is to find xxx and ask him point-blank. Then I will have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kanye West is a douchebag. Shouldn't be too hard. Aiiight, see you all at the docks near dusk...
*out*

2004-12-09T20:34:00.000-05:00

R.I.P. Dimebag Darrell

One of the greatest guitarists of all time.

And he was killed on the 24th anniversary of John Lennon's murder. Strange.
Either way, this sucks. No one deserves to be shot onstage while playing guitar.
Except maybe, John Mayer.
But either way, the 17-year-old metalhead in me is reeeeal down right now. See, my step-brother was always tryin to get me into metal with like Danzig and shit, but I never really appreciated metal until I heard Pantera. It was loud, fast and pissed-off, so it was great to listen to when I was pissed at the world and full of angst. And even after I stopped hating the world I could still apprecciate me some Pantera. I think I saw them like 5-6 times in concert when they came through in the 90's and they never failed to dissappoint. They'd play for 2-3 hours and just rock until I thought my neck would snap right off. And the home-videos these dudes made we're ridiculous-it was just them getting real high or drunk or both and breaking whatever they saw in between rockin' shows on tour. Their debauchery certainly inspired my own. I'd like to think that my "walkin'-on-cars-while-I'm-drunk" routine was in the spirit of Pantera and Dimebag, though I could never really be as hard-core as they were. *sigh* Either way, humanity just lost one of the greatest guitarists ever. Sorry to be serious for a minute here but maaan this sucks. I'm gonna go play some Pantera and drink whiskey until I throw up.
Goddamn you Columbus Ohio. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
RRRRRAHHHHH!

2004-12-09T16:08:00.000-05:00

Now I Can Finally Have Those Dope-Smokin' Children I've Always Dreamed Of...

"What's that Mommy?" asked Jackie. "Are you and Daddy smoking a cigarette?"
"No baby," said her Mother. "This is called a 'joint.' It's made of marijuana."
"Mar-a-whah? What's that?" asked Jackie.
"Marijuana" smiled her Mom, "is a plant."
"What kind of plant?"
"Well," said her Mom, "That story may take me all night to tell you.
How about we go on a bicycle ride and I'll tell you all about it?"
"Okay," said Jackie.

That's the actual text too.

That's right ya'll, finally someone wrote a book for kids about marijuana.
All I can say is: It's about damn time. I know when I get some nieces and nephews in the future they are gettin' this book, some roachclips, and MY FIRST BONG by Fisher-Price from their favorite stoner uncle (not to be confused with their favorite great-uncle stoner...i think everyone has one of these in their families...I know I did). I don't really think this will change the world or anything but I can certainly hope that it leads to a gradual phasing-out of this lame marijuana-humor that is so prevelant these days. I mean, how many times can you make a joke about the mary-jane making people hungry? It is my hope that the children will learn great things from this book and eventually be able to use their great wit to comment on say, their stoner uncle's lack of ambition and tendency to wear the same pants all-year-round. As I say, I can dream.

Are you sick of people talking on cell-phones real loud out in public? Are you tired of hearing some redneck in a pickup truck say things like this:
"Yeah man, she was on the rag so I had ta stick it in her ass. It was fun!"
I actually heard that one while waiting at a stop-light last summer. Gross but awesome at the same time. Well, anyway, if yer some uptight asshole who feels the need to comment on others behavior in public (like me) then I reccommend you go here (spotted at boingboing ) and print these out so you can hand them out. Or, you could do like I do and just trip mu'fuckahs as they walk while talking on their celly. Generally speaking, most people can't talk, fall, and continue thier conversation all at once. Laughter and broken bones ensue. Highly reccommended. Or you could use those cards if you can't easily blend into a crowd after you trip someone.
Either way, let's do our best to fuck with people on celly's. I'm counting on you all.

I think that's gonna do it for today, but be sure to check back in the next few days for a special post concerning O'Shea Jackson, better known as Ice Cube. I'm going to try and figure out what the fuck happened between N.W.A. and the present. Maybe I'll even post an mp3 of Common's "The Bitch in You" where he verbally serves the former jheri-curl rockin' Cube. I'm makin' moves ya'll.
*out*

2004-12-06T19:02:00.000-05:00

Let's Hear it For Ol' Chomper

Another Happy Ukrainian

I just liked that picture above. This post has nothing to do with it.
I woke up this morning and got on the internet to read the news and promptly choked on my coffee when I read this article on Stevie Wonder "lashing out" at Eminem. I guess Stevie is angry that Eminem was making fun of Michael Jackson in the "Just Lose It" video. Isn't that hilarious? I mean, someone had to describe the video to Stevie right? It's not like he's actually seen the video cuz he's still blind, unless he got that microchip implanted in his brain I heard about years ago. From what I remember in the video, the only thing which could be really offensive or mean to Jackson is the part where Em/Jacko's nose falls off. And that's not really offensive, as it is obvious Jackson's nose is not the same one he was born with. So really, the only thing that someone could have described to Stevie would be where Em/Jacko is jumping on a bed with a bunch of kids and dancing or whatever ( I did only see this video once mind you). There shouldn't really be anything offensive about that either cuz didn't M.J. admit that he slept with little boys and had wierd slumber parties with them. It's never been proven that M.J. is a pederast but all his behavior certainly implies that he is one, or at the very least, a creepy individual. There's nothing wrong with making fun of creepy entertainers. In fact, it's quite necessary.
Stevie Wonder doesn't think so:
“Kicking someone when he’s down is not a good thing,” Wonder said. “I have much respect for his work, though I don’t think he’s as good as (late rapper) 2Pac. But I was disappointed that he would let himself go to such a level” …”He has succeeded on the backs of people predominantly in that lower pay bracket, people of color. So for him to come out like that is bull.” Now, I don't want to make it seem like I'm defending Eminem from any criticism here. I just think it's funny that Stevie Wonder is getting upset over a video that he has never seen. Plus, I think Stevie is wrong here too. Making fun of M.J. has nothing to do with black people in a lower pay bracket. M.J. hasn't been in a lower pay bracket for at least 30 years and he certainly doesn't represent or embody "the average person of color" in this country. The mu'fucker lives on a ranch that's named after a location in "Peter Pan." In the eighties he hung out with a monkey named Bubbles and a snake named Muscles. He prefers the company of little boys over grown women. M.J. doesn't represent "people of color" but he does represent "rich self-loathing crazy rich people." Stevie, stick to playing the keys. Music video criticism is not your bag. Blau.

Down The Memory Hole...
Remember Pat Tillman? That hero that was killed in Afghanistan protecting our freedoms?
He was killed by friendly fire. Back in April. Now, 8 months later we find out the truth.
Now we need not wring our hands over his valiant sacrifice, or how he gave up an NFL career to serve his country. Now we know for certain that he gave up a comfortable life in America to be gunned down in the mountains of Afghanistan by fellow Americans. All I can think about is the cartoon by Ted Rall (found here, along with hilarious comments on Tillmans heroism) that people found offensive eight months ago and how it now rings true. All that hand wringing for nothing. Ah well, one less hero for Jesusland.
Finally, an appeal to Grand Marquis: UPDATE. C'mon, feed the beast. Bust out the vocab.
I'm tired. See ya'll next time.
*out*

2004-12-01T19:13:00.000-05:00

"So What Have You Been Doing This Last Week?"

And I do leave a wounded soldier behind occasionally...

Besides cookin' a turkey last Thursday to celebrate Bluntsgiving (and all that implies) I have done nothing but drink beer and kick it with comrades. This lavish lifestyle finally caught up with me on Tuesday where I spent the day in bed with a smashing hangover. There is no message or moral to be learned from this as I feel it was certainly worth it. I know that the alcohol is a fierce mistress and at times, she can gain the upper hand. But, as the rear-windows of pickup trucks across Indiana say: "I fear no beer." I will tame her again. Onward...

I think I stumbled on to Mr. Babylon's blog thru the B Dot C and found it to be much better than this public school teachers blog in Chicago. Somebody teaching in the Bronx is more interesting than my blog. Go read it.

Also, through Mista's site I found the amazing Tard-Blog. There is nothing wrong with laughing at it either.

While at boingboing I stumbled across these two articles( one and two) that put the kibosh on my own plans to liberate the giant inflatable Spongebob Squarepants from my local Burger King. I really don't have the slightest idea what anyone would do with one of those if they stole it though. Plus that Spongebob cat looks pretty goofy. Better not tell M.O.P. I said that tho.(link stolen from royalmagazine ).

Looks like I can thank Bol and Ian over at NFADK (too long to spell right now) for the increase in traffic due to my disdain for Kanye West and my love for the keyboard drummer. If either of you are in Indianapolis (and I type this because I know it'll never happen) I'll buy you some better beer than I drink.

Bad news for Grand Marquis. Wait for it. BOOM! HA HAAAAAA! FUGAZI! I've taken FUGAZI to the html now! It's 7.0 in this mug (inside joke...sorry to everyone else). WHAT?!?

And finally, I really wish I could somehow see some of those giant lumberjacks and huge cowboys (or even a Big Jack or two..) battling it out like that one Halloween episode on The Simpsons. I think that would be the coolest shit ever. If anyone knows of any links or movies then please let me know. I'm gonna slow down on the beer consumption so hopefully that will mean more posts. We shall see.
*out*

2004-11-24T15:45:00.000-05:00

Kanye West is an overrated, egotistical hack and he wears shirts with Teddy Bears.

I mean, really, a grown man wearing a Teddy-Bear shirt?

So I'm over at hiphopsite reading their Hip Hop News on the DL to see if any of the stories will spark my interest in another blog entry and lo and behold, I run across an item on Kanye West.
Now I don't care for Kanye West as far as music goes but I can't deny that he has a good ear for sampling his mom's old records. Anyway, somone over there actually cares about what he has to say (and I guess I do too if I'm blogging about it...goddammit) about his new album and so they asked him "Hey, Kanye, who's going to be on your next album?" And he responds that no one will be a guest on his new album because he's focused on his own material. Yeah, I don't believe it either, but he continues the thought with:
"Whatever happened to artists working on their own shit? Like Kurt Cobain, what if he had given ["Smells Like Teen Spirit"] to...what was that group that made "Mr. Jones"? No. They should have kept it for Nirvana."
So obvioulsy he means that...uhm, uh. Naw. That doesn't really make sense. Nice try, but perhaps if you had stayed in college then you would able to formulate an analogy to support or illustrate your statements, but since you are a college dropout, you fail to express yourself clearly. Perhaps your mother (whom the B.C. has taken to task a few times) could help you with analogies since she's some sort of English teacher. But who knows? Either way Kanye won't be reading this anyway so I'll drop the "you" refrences.

But what I'm getting at here is that I can't fucking stand Kanye West when he speaks, whether it be when he's on the mic or stroking himself off in front of the press, this dude just needs to shut up. Case in point:
At the last American Music Awards (who the fuck even cares about the A.M.A. anyway?) Kanye was nominated for three awards and he didn't win any. He didn't deserve to win any, but he certainly thought he would. Instead of being a gracious loser he decided to say some more bullshit to the press:
"I think that as Best New Artist, I feel robbed. I won't be giving any politically correct answer to that. I was the best New Artist this year so get that other bullshit outta here. I walked out when they announced Best New Artist. If I'm not here for political reasons next year, you'll still be hearing my music...something real."
Okay, so Kanye loses to this country artist Gretchen Wilson at the AMA where Usher won 4 awards and Bon Jovi got a special merit award ( I guess for trying to remain relevent after the 1980's) and he's upset?!? He should be happy, but instead he throws a little tantrum like a little bitch. I guarantee Gretchen Wilson doesn't wear shirts with little teddy-bears on them and she is a little bitch! Plus this retard thinks the snub is political? I don't know where to begin, so I'll just move this little hate-fest/rant along...

So, as I was loading up on ammunition to verbally snip this jack-ass I came across these quotes from a Tavis Smiley show that Kanye was on. So Tavis is all like: "yo, how did you write 'Through the Wire'" and so Kanye says:
"Well actually, I recorded the song with my mouth wired shut and...when I first went to radio with it, people didn't understand that. They said "The words are kind of unclear." I said, "that's the whole thing. My mouth is actually wired shut." I recorded it two weeks after the accident. I had to take painkillers in order to finish the second verse because I wasn't supposed to be using my mouth that much."
Okay, that is just retarded, but, here is why this grandstanding mu'fuckah did it:
"When I had bigger songs afterwards [people will/would say] 'You remember hsi first song he recorded with his mouth wired shut?" I just felt like it would help me to go down in history."
WHAT? So like, he wants to be known as that rapper with the mush-mouth gimmick? Fuck! Somebody tell 50 Cent he's got competition! I mean, I definitley look back at my Eazy-E records and go, "yeah, you can really tell that the AIDS was affecting him on this track...what courage!" Fuck that noise!

BUT (and I will be done very soon...bear with me) the most luminescent, shining example of why Kanye West is an egotistical (yet oblivious to his own stupidity) douche-bag is this following exchange concerning his brilliant rhyme writing:
"I make music that appeals to white people you know? It's kind of like a dry humor in the vein of Jerry Seinfeld, definitely college kids because I explain their whole struggle, their story. I say 'I promise, she's so self-conscious, she has no idea what she's doing in college, that major that she majored in won't make her no money, but she won't drop out her parents'll look at her funny' And any girl that I ever played it to-"Did you write that about me?" No, I'm sayin' thats everyone I know."
HA HA AHAAAAAAA!!!!
See, he thinks he got insightful lyrics because these random ho's he hangs out think the song is about them and therefore he thinks he's tapped into some deep sentiment, like he's a genius or something. I mean, that sentiment is about as common as women with butterfly tattoos. Sheeeeeit.
In conclusion, Kanye West is a douche-bag that wears shirts with Teddy Bears on them. What a little girl.

2004-11-21T14:48:00.000-05:00

Give The Drummer Some...

"Now I will rock you!"

I now present to you: The hottest keyboard drummer ever.
I hope this works for ya'll. It's some funny shit.
Or at least I thought so.
Dude was rippin' it.
*out*

2004-11-20T01:27:00.000-05:00

I Was Pissed Until Now...

sorry ya'll...scroll to the right quickly...

Man, I was in a pissed off mood until I was chillin' at a bar gettin' drunk and the Indiana Pacers started bustin' motherfuckahs in the D-Town. I feel great now.

Now understand, I don't give a fuck about sports 364 days during the year, but when I see the Indiana Pacers beating down fans in Detroit I gotta say that we are the gulliest sports team in N.B.A. history. Artest had been too much of a good-guy until now...finally he has an excuse to behave like a crazy idiot again. This rules! I know he'll be fined and I could really care less but at least my Pacers beat the shit out of everyone in Detroit who tried to start somethin'. The best part of this is little scenario is when I assume that the Indiana Pacers actually think that their behavior actually reflects Indianapolis, or for that matter, Indiana in general. I mean, what the fuck is this "my Pacers" shit? I can't claim ownership! Either way, here are some links to some guys in an Indiana jersy kickin' ass:
The first weak article written.
And then there is this...
On a different note, the image above is from one of my sketchbooks...nothing special, but I figured I'd start posting art just for the hell of it. I'm drunk by this point...
*Chiseven stumbles away...*

2004-11-19T15:47:00.000-05:00

Fundamentalist Christians Can Eat A Dick Sandwich

"Oh black baby jesus-when will these repressed idiots learn?"

Ok, I 've almost ALWAYS had beef with most Christians (with a few exceptions) and I certainly think that fundamentalist Christians are akin to say, the bubonic plauge, but I've never really felt like storming Jerry Falwell's compound with an AK-47 until today. Now, I could deal with the election results because I understand the psychology (or at least, make wild and offensive generalizations pretending I do...) of these sheep. Many people simply believe what other people tell them (their parents, the government) because they are simple and not cynical enough. They are easily led (usually by fear-whether that be of eternal damnation or destruction by evil-doers) because that is how they have been conditioned to behave. I mean, how else could these fucks believe Jesus was a white guy from the Middle East? Until recently I pitied them as I thought they were just dull and harmless, but after the last election I could not deny that lunatics influence our government. I know G-dub is crunk off the Jesus juice and now most of our government is too, but when I see an article like this, where nutty Christians compare pornography to heroin then I know we are outta control.
"Internet pornography is corrupting children and hooking adults into an addiction that threatens their jobs and families, a panel of anti-porn advocates told a hearing organized Thursday by Senator Sam Brownback, chairman of the Commerce subcommittee on science."
Really, anyone who is the chairman of the Commerce subcommittee on science should look at this psuedo-scientific assertion and say: "stop fucking wasting my time with this bullshit"
but we must remember that Brownback is a Republican who belives that an invisible man in the clouds controls our existance and that homosexuality is a threat to the sacred institution of marriage.
Now I don't watch or buy or seek out pornography but I think there is nothing wrong with porno. In fact, I would suspect that the main reason that pornography is so damn popular is because this society is so sexually repressed by these same Jesus-freaks. Seeing Janet Jackson poppin' out a titty on CBS earlier this year was awesome, but for some reason these religious nuts think it's immorral or whatever. Yo: The only thing immoral about Janet Jackson's right tit is the reaction to that mammory gland. As heard in Half-Baked: "That's a titty B!" Learn to enjoy and appreciate the body of the most attractive of those loony Jacksons.
But I'm off track here...
The point is that we don't need some staunch religious fanatics telling us that seeing arcing streams of jism is bad for the country (thank you Bill Hicks) or our moral fiber (whatever that means...). We don't need guys saying that "studies...show prolonged use of pornography leads to 'sexual callousness, the erosion of family values and diminished sexual satisfaction.' We need more people attesting that Ron Jeremy helped their sex-life by demonstrating new moves and other cool shit (like being a fat hairy bastard and getting paid to bone all day...thus providing inspiration and confidence to millions). Pornography is good. Religous nuts are bad.
In other news...
Who Smokes the Most Dope in Europe?-sadly, it's not Milo from mo ca$h.
Sorry about the rambling entry. I'm still testy...
And thanks to all who leave comments. I raise a High-Life in your honor.
EDIT: In keeping with the theme today, go enjoy Timmy's Wish with a special appearance by Jeusus.
I'm out...

2004-11-17T14:49:00.000-05:00

NO WONDER THIS COUNTRY IS FUCKED...

even giraffe-neck Asians are pissed off...

Okay, so obviously ya'll are still disillusioned by the outcome of the presidential election and as a result have decided to quit voting altogether. This MUST be the only reason you did not participate in my "Liza Minelli beats up the weak male of your choosing" (scroll down), because obviously, this is an important topic that needs to be addressed and yet, not ONE person has commented. Ya'll have let me down goddammit. I sentence you all to listen to the new Black Eyed Peas album on infinite repeat until you vote. Now if only I could figure out a way to serve up that punishment...I'd start a blog radio thing but fuck it-I'm internet retarded, so just know dear readers: you have let me down. Start leaving comments okay? They are like little rocks of crack that give me validation, self-worth and an awesome buzz. Got that? Good.

Now that we've cleared that mess up, I think we should check the links I have provided below.
You should all know that I have decided to deem myself an enemy combatant of Jesusland so that I can provide aid and comfort to their enemies in order for the masters of Jesusland to lose their grip on power. This will include (but not be limited to) subversive activities, links to articles critical of Jesusland and (hopefully) treasonous and seditious comments. Let the fun begin:
Should Canada charge Bush with War Crimes? Yes.
Those crazy snipers and their luddite-approach to modern warfare! Black flags equal more Hoosier blood on the streets of Fallujah. This isn't as bad as it sounds. Trust me.
Here's a list of my newest enemies: 5 GOP Senators for Jesusland. They're crazy about Christ!
Remember: When you buy drugs you help the terrorists. Unless of course, the U.S. is helping these drug-growing terrorists. That is free-enterprise and that is totally cool. On a side note, I say bring me all the Afghani weed I can smoke. In fact, bring me about 4 years worth and I'll put it in the freezer and I swear I won't touch it until at least Bluntsgiving Day. Mmmm...
Oh but back to those pesky Iraqi's who won't get out of the way of American bullets. Can't they understand that America is trying to help them be democratic by killing them? Why don't they get it?
Soldiers of Jesusland kill wounded and unarmed Iraqis. Hearts and minds...hearts and minds.
On a side note:
Does anyone else laugh when they watch the news and some parent of a dead soldier is talking about how their child died a hero because they were "protecting their country and our [Americans] right to be free"? HA HA HA! Excuse me. I mean, I guess they do have to say that so they can pretend that their loss is acceptable. I mean, when your child dies for no good reason I guess you do have to lie to yourself to make sure you don't start climbing bell-towers or something...
Also, I laugh my ass off when they interview some sucker in combat over there in Iraq and he's all like "Yeah, we're doing the right thing. It feels good to know that I'm defending my country and the rights of my fellow citizens blah blah blah". I wonder if these cats are that wistful and optimistic when some skinny 14 year old Iraqi blows their legs off with an RPG because some Marines "accidentally" killed his sister and now dogs are eating her remains.
Boy I'm full of bile today. Ya'll shoulda commented on my L. Minelli post and this wouldn't have happened. If you need a break from my anger go click on the "Maakies" link on the right hand side for some jocular fun. Otherwise, leave comments or expect more grim posts...
*out*

2004-11-11T23:40:00.000-05:00

Why Are So Many Nerdy Men Afraid of Liza Minelli?

well, besides the obvious reason, I mean...

It seems like some nerdy guy is complaining that Liza Minelli beat them up or threatened them every month this past year or so. I just made that up, but I guess I'll go with it. I've kind of casually dismissed this phenomenon until I came across this truly harrowing tale at thesmokinggun.com (which really, is one of many they have). Her bodyguard claims that Minelli forced him to have sex with her and also beat him frequently. David Gest (some other nerd) pretty much says the same thing, at least concerning the beatings. Now apparently this Liza Minelli chick (of whom I honestly cannot think of any reason I should know who she is) gets really violent towards men when she drinks and then attempts to seduce them, and if they refuse, they get beat down bad enough to actually ADMIT that Liza Minelli beat them. I ask you, dear readers, could you actually bring yourself to admit to the general public that this small (though rather heavy, apparently) woman beat you up? That is, if you were actually enough of a pussy to let her do that to you?

I should hope not. There is no way some short old drunk lady is going to beat me up or *shudder* force me into sexual relations with her. I'll stand by that statement.
But I think this awesome power that Minelli wields can serve a purpose for humanity. Namely, my entertainment and yours. Here's the deal:

There are many a weak male out there that you would love to beat up, but because of whatever reason you simply cannot act upon this impulse. You sit alone and feel unfulfilled.

But not anymore.
For the price of say, three bottles of red wine and a round-trip ticket from LAX to your local airport, I will make sure Liza Minelli beats up and (for no additional charge) forcibly rapes the weak male of your choosing. You can exploit this situation in any way you choose, but remember, I cannot be responsible for L. Minelli or her actions. There are forms to sign.
But anyway, in the spirit of the moment I figured we could all vote on some candidates (and feel free to suggest others) for Liza Minelli to violate:

This is the dude that sings for Linkin Park. Choice #1

Jay 'please kill me' Leno Choice #2

And finally:

Fallon. For no other reason than that taxi movie. Choice #3

I vote for number one, but only beacause it's too damn close.
Vote or die. Puff Daddy was just joking about the presidental election but he will fucking murder chumps that don't vote on this poll. He's got a mohawk too. Scary.
*out*

2004-11-11T13:17:00.000-05:00

GREETINGS FROM JESUSLAND

don't worry...it scares the shit out of me too.

So I'm back. Florida sucked. Grammy is aiiight. Mission accomplished. Back to real life.

So obviously we got 4 more years of this lunatic (which, c'mon, we all knew anyway right? I didn't really have that much faith in democracy...did you?) and hey, we deserve it I guess. The Democrats should have fought more dirty I think. Kerry was too damn nice. He did take the high-road and he did appeal to the more enlightened members of our nation but he didn't win because Americans like to see people get dirty (remember how you'd always watch those fights on the playground at school just hoping you'd see blood? admit it!). Kerry didn't win because he forgot that you cannot impress idiots with civility. And, sadly, the idiots in this country came out to vote in full this year. We didn't learn our lesson after 9-11 and apparently we want another one. The funny thing is ( I guess if you can laugh about the inevitable death of a few thousand Americans) that those who chose Bush (the red state population) will probably cause a terrorist attack in one of the blue states' cities thus expanding the rift between the coasts and the midwest that much more. I'm not much for prophecy but this much seems inevitable. We shall see.

If you have not accepted the fate of our nation then I suggest that you read a few articles I have enjoyed since I have returned to the internet after my sabbatical:
Kerry won. Here are the facts. Don't get your hopes up though-this is just a sad truth about our electoral process. Bush will still be around in four years unless he actually eats all those pretzels I've been sending him since Nov. 3rd.
Disillusioned with the DLC? Matt Taibbi has some words for you:
"We blame corporate America for this state of affairs because this ideology of individual acquisitiveness is the religion it naturally preaches. But it's our failure to come up with a competing ideology of getting along that's the real problem. Down south, in those "backward" red states, they vote the way they do because they see this individualistic religion as a creature of the cold, greedy, north, which has chosen to attack the idiocy of the right-wing church rather than admit to its own spiritual unhappiness.
Bush is our fault. He's our fault because too many of us found it easier to hate him than find a way to love each other. If we work on the second thing a little harder, we won't need to rely on the cynics in the DLC to come up with the right "formula" the next time around. Because happiness and hope have a way of selling themselves."
I had no idea that Taibbi had the capacity for such optimism. I'm confused.
Read this story about how one sniper is holding back 150 Marines in Fallujah.
Am I evil when I root for snipers? Is that treason? Do I care?
I'll be back with more once I get some more time. Until then...
*out*

2004-11-01T15:55:00.000-05:00

Gone Until November 9th

My grandmother's friends prepare for a warm welcome

Yep yep, I'm going down to St. Petersburg Florida for a week to take care of my grandmother who is chillin' in a wheelchair these days as a result of kicking the shit out of someone over a shuffle-board dispute. She kicked some punk until she broke a toe or something so now I gotta go and cook her meals, get her 40's and blunts and all that ill shit my grandma does on the reg. But yo, I won't be makin' any updates until at least the 9th of November when I get back so it should be an interesting week of sobriety for me. Hopefully a week of no nicotine and THC will do me some good, but I'm sure if I gets testy my gram will run over my toes with her 'chair or something. I'm planning on doing some diggin' while I'm down there if I can, but I guess that depends on her health and her demands. Either way I'm sure she'll tell me some interesting stories about Ukraine while I'm there. Should be fun. In the meantime, scroll down to my Paris Hilton exclusive report and start linkin' to my shit so more than 3 people read this drivel. Grand Marquis, I expect you to fill the gap while I'm gone. See ya'll in seven days. I'll bring back some borscht too. VOTE MU'FUCKAHS!
*out*

2004-10-27T01:12:00.000-05:00

William "The Fridge" Perry is a Fat Motherfuckin' Punk

he's pissed cuz someone ate the ice-cream outta the helmet before he signed it.

That's right ya'll, I'm about to embark upon the single stupidest idea I have ever entertained in my 24 year existence: I (as a skinny young white male) am going to verbally assault the Fridge until he apologizes to me for being such a fucking douchebag (and it will be in those words or I will not rest until it is so...). William "the Fridge" Perry has offended me to the core of my esoteric sensibilities and therefore I will lash out against the one who has scorned me until my appetite for an apology is sated. That said, let me make my case:

Now, I was never a big sports fan, and I never have been, but I can remember seeing the Fridge on t.v. when my dad would watch the games and deciding I liked him for no other reason than the fact that he was a)huge and b)was called "the fridge" which was probably the first nickname I remember hearing. This vauge respect was further clenched when, at nine years old, I stumbled upon some crappy "rap" compilation in a K-Mart which featured "The Show" by Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick "Nightmares" by Dana Dane and (inexplicably) "The Super Bowl Shuffle" by the 1985 Chicago Bears (!). Even then I knew the song was crap but I was always like "yeah, the fridge-he can rap and tackle mu'fuckahs-that's dope!". I pretty much had a vauge respect and admiration of him until last March when I saw him at O'Hare airport in Chicago.

See, I was in Chicago waiting for a plane to take me and my moms back to Indianapolis. We had just finished up a weekend wedding for my cousin in Austin, TX and were waiting for our flight which had been delayed four times in four hours. For whatever reason, the airline ( I can't remember which one...United?) was having all of the peeps tryin' to get home to Indianapolis stand in some long-ass line which stretched into the terminal "hallway" (where everyone walks through). So I'm standin' there bullshittin' with my moms when I notice this HUGE black man hobbling towards me as he makes his way towards my terminal. I'm thinkin' "damn, I better move or this fat bastard is gonna crush me" so I kinda step out of the way as this bhemoth of a man shuffles past me. As he's goin' by I'm like "damn. I think that's the Fridge. That's weird." He kinda grunted as a way of thanking me for stepping aside and lumbered on his way. A second later some dude in the line ahead of me was like "Whoa! That was William "the fridge" Perry!" which confirmed my suspicions.

Fast forward six-months or so, to when I'm moving into my new crib. New crib has no refridgerator, so I go and purchase one. As I'm sitting there admiring my new 'fridge inspiration strikes: "What if I could find a picture of the fridge Perry and make it into a stencil that I could paint on my 'fridge? That would be the illest shit ever! I could get a cold one out of the 'fridge and see that fat-bastard every time! Brilliant!"

So I started searching on the web for a good picture but found nothing worthy of putting on my refridgerator. I needed a good upper-body shot sans helmet, but could only find football pictures of him in action. Finally, I stumbled upon his website. See that picture of him with his arms crossed? That is the greatest picture of him ever and certainly worthy to be stenciled onto my new G.E. Select. Alas, I cannot get a good quality shot of this picture so i decide to E-mail the fat bastard and ask him if he would send me a picture OR if he would tell me how much it would cost for a copy of this picture. Now I'm not so naive that I think "the fridge" actually answers his E-mail, but I figured that if I told whoever got the E-mail that I was trying to pay tribute (a lie) to the Fridge then they would at least respond to my valid inquiry.

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
Obviously whoever answers the E-mail's over there at the Fridge's website hates his fans because they never responded to my E-mail that I mailed a few times over the course of the last two months. I even made up a bunch of shit in my letter about how i was a big fan and blah blah blah...it was all bullshit so I could get that picture. Perhaps they saw through my facade (this I doubt) or perhaps they hate my name (it sounds very foreign-very Eastern European), but either way, THEY DID NOT RESPOND. Therefore, they face the brutal force of my scorn on this web-log that approximately three people read (irregularly). The fools do not realize what they have done, obviously, so it's time to remind them of my furious anger...

I now issue a formal challenge to the 'Fridge:
'Fridge, you have angered this young skinny frail white boy and you must pay for your misdeed.
I now challenge you to a game of front-yard football (tackles allowed) to settle this issue.
If I can score more touchdowns than you (and I can...I've seen you walk upon those mangled knees of yours) than you must apologize to me in person and on your website admit that you are (in these exact words) that you are a "washed-up douchebag who does not respect his fans but [you are] willing to correct these mistakes by sending chiseven an autographed picture [which I will then sell on E-Bay after I make a stencil out of the image]. Save yourself the hassle of being defeated by a skinny white-boy and just send me the got-damn picture punk. Or, if you still cling to the idea that you are a formitable opponent then feel free to make your way towards the 1000 block area of East 25th Street in Indianapolis on any given Sunday and be prepared for humiliation. Sorry to mix sports metaphors here, but the ball is now in your court 'fridge.
Make the right descision.
Aiiight, I'm out because the High-Life is beginning to kick in.
Punk!
*out*

2004-10-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

EXCLUSIVE: PARIS HILTON HEX TAPE

Club Paris Hilton and make everyone happy.

Reported in rhyme by chiseven
(Ed. note: Steve is chiseven's roommate)

I found the cast off skin of Paris Hilton in my bathtub
asked Steve what's up-he only admitted to a back-rub
yeah right-I know I heard that skank's voice last night
and I caught her sneakin' out the door before the morning light
man you gotta knock this shit off-stop dating models
cuz I'm sick of wakin' up to all these empty Cristal bottles
piled high up in the trash-can but I'm still laughin'
at the evidence found from a night of steady-mackin':
there's cocaine on the coffee-table and a bra upon the lamp-shade
full glasses of champagne and one strange carpet stain.
Then I pick my way thru all the rubble of this Don Juan
and when I'm lookin' for my keys I find a Louis Vuitton
hand-bag which I use as a barf-bag and I'm so glad
to catch my puke in the purse which I was lucky to grab
and to my suprise I saw Paris Hilton's effortless
impression of the spider-walk down my stairs like The Exorcist
I knew I caught her by suprise by the size of her eyes
when she realized that I would not be fooled by her disguise
so she stood up-adjusted her neck and started to curse
when she found my stomach's contents in her thousand-dollar purse
and I know I made it worse when I reacted with laughter
to this rich little bitch's latest fashion disaster
plus I got it all on video with hidden camcorders
Paris Hilton's hex tape-and yes i'm now taking orders

Only $9.99! E-mail me for your copy today!

2004-10-24T17:40:00.000-05:00

Weekend Wrap-up

tougher than you may think...

Had an interesting weekend...let me share my experiences.
First off, the reason I have a picture of a lawn jockey is to illustrate my first story.
When I moved into my new crib I inherited a number of things: broken dishwasher, broken garbage disposal and a white lawn jockey. I think the jockey that I inherited began his days as a black concrete jockey but (thankfully) someone realized just how racist it was and painted him white like that dude up there. That pretty much looks like the one I have, minus the lantern.
Anyhoo, I was enjoying another beer on my front-porch as I took a break from Freestyle-Friday. Every Friday we open up the studio (okay, my bedroom) and invite a buncha friends over to freestlyle over beats me and D. have made throughout the week. Usually we also have a dirty 30 of the High-Life for our parched throats, and this Friday was no exception. So I'm chillin' out on my front porch drinkin' a beer and chattin' with three friends and some guy this dude named Dan C. brought over. I'm talkin' shit to my roommate and then outta nowhere this guy (who I have never met and is apparently an 8th grade teacher [WTF?]) falls over from where he's standing and tackles my lawn jockey, bringing the two of them to the wet ground. I look over at my comrades and I'm like "Did this guy just tackle my lawn-jockey? Was the jockey talkin' shit or something?" Everyone shrugs and then the dude begins to stand up so I'm like "hey guy, you got a problem with my lawn jockey? We don't need to bring this to violence man-let's have a nice discuss-" and before I can complete my sentence he starts swayin' again and then he tries to brace himself on a nearby tree (but it looked like he was tacklin' it...strange) but comes up short and just falls backwards onto my gravel driveway. So I finish my beer, set the jockey back up in his proper place and go inside to get tell the cat that brought this idiot over to my crib to clean up his mess of a friend. Here's the wierd thing though: this dude was completely sober (unlike myself-who saw no reason not to talk shit to some dude who's passing out). Either way, dude left and my jockey remains resolute and standing. End friday.

Saturday after work my boy Raw Dog calls and tells me that he just got back from Windsor, Canada.
Me: "So how was Canada?" RD: "It sucked. I got arrested." Me: "Ha! Explain!"
So ol' RD and some friend are in Windsor gettin' ready to roll into a strip-club when a bunch of Canadian police roll up on them like "You two have been urinating on police-cars!" RD and friend had NOT been doing said activity and tried to explain this but the cops weren't believing it. RD has the tendency to get lippy and one of the policemen was like "You shut your mouth right now or you are going to jail." RD then mimics the action of zipping his lips and reaches out to put the "key" into the officer's breast-pocket. Officer friendly then grabs RD and informs him that he is going to jail for "assaulting an officer" and proceeds to cuff him. Then he takes RD to the back of the paddywagon (which was waiting nearby...) and proceeds to punch RD in the face while saying "Fuck America. Fuck George Bush! You aren't in America now you fucker! Etc. Etc." RD is tossed into the paddywagon and soon his friend joins him, but not before getting some of the same treatment (punch to the face) and getting choked out for 10 seconds or so. They spend the night in jail and post bail for $70 American and then return to the states.
Amazing. To me this story proves two things: 1)people who become cops are generally power-hungry assholes who enjoy beating others(regardless of country or creed) and 2)George Bush has ruined our relations with the world. I officially denounce Ralph Nader and intend to vote for Kerry in November. I was going to vote for Nader for symbolic reasons but fuck it-we have to get Bush out. My state will go red, but at least I can try. Please forgive my past trangressions and join me as I step towards a new era.

Oh yeah, did anyone see Ashlee Simpson on SNL?
*crickets chirping*
Ok, I happened to be in the room while my roommate was watching it (and it was shiiiiity) and the host introduced her and then the band started playing and out of nowhere her vocals start (apparently for the wrong song...I wouldn't know) so she freaks out and just starts dancing like a deranged hillbilly and then she runs off the stage as they cut to a commercial. That shit was priceless. Oh, and bol has a link on his site so you can see it (check the comment section).
See you tommorrow when I have more to say...

2004-10-21T13:12:00.000-05:00

Creepy Picture Day

It's like something out of a Bond movie..."gentlemen, I introduce you to...no-hands!"

Yeah, so this guy is Jay J Armes, some famous wealthy private investigator (unlike my hard-drinking, Micky Spillane-readin', failure as a P.I. father) who apparently saved Marlon Brando's son from kidnappers or something. He lost his hands as a kid and learned to, um, crush the larynx of those that cross his path or something. Either way, he's down with the president, no doubt, because he has an action figure of himself just like GwB. (link spotted at boing-boing via Warren Ellis' blog). He is the November suprise. When GwB utters the secret word he will stop at nothing to crush the voice-box of John Kerry with his cold metal hooks. Just you watch...

Anything is now possible since the Red Sox won last night. I'll be attempting to woo all those ladies with boyfriends that have been shuttin' me down as of late. Inspired by the tenacity of the Red Sox, I predict that my beguiling charms will lead to infidelity and pornographic memories. I can't wait.

And if that doesn't work I can always pretend to be a Republican and solicit sex from someone at one of these websites mentioned in this article (you might need a Salon day-pass to read the full article...do it...it's worth the effort). As long as none of these sirens look like Ann Coulter then I think I'll be fine. Good lord is she nasty. I hope that she googles her name and starts some beef (but I think that's probably expecting too much). Either way, I am prepared to insult her profusely but I will not (no matter how much she begs) sleep with her. Sorry ya'll.

Switching gears here a bit...
My boy ODBeck is back in Naptown after a sabbatical in Seattle for about a year. One of the greatest things about him being back in town is that he has a bunch of stories about tweakers out there. Apparently all that home-grown herb starts to make you sleepy after a while so many turn to meth to keep awake in order to reorganize their garage or be able to hug more trees or something. So most of his stories are about how he's workin' the third shift at some gas-station and he's drinkin' 22 oz. of the High-Life in the cooler when no-one is around, and then suddenly a tweaker walks in and the story begins. They all vary, but the theme is thus:
Methamphetamines will fuck you up. And not in that college-way. You know what I mean.
It doesn't matter if the tweaker is drooling on himself or about to turn the gas-station pump into a flame-thrower (I didn't get it either), all the stories are basically the same:
ODBeck may be drunk on the job, but at least he ain't a fucked up tweaker who's been up for 5 days. ODBeck thought being drunk would help him relate more, but the inebriation gap is too wide. Anyway, read this article about ice, some other kind of meth shit I will avoid consuming.

Check out this story on another reality-tv show that will boggle the mind. Here's my favorite part from the article:
"The show's intentions may seem philanthropic, but the contestants also face mean-spirited, made-for-TV challenges, like the bikini-clad temptress who moves in after the housemates have finished their last cigarettes. She enjoys an endless supply of cigarettes and blows smoke into the contestants' faces." This is exactly how it is at my house. Everytime I start to put those Camel Lights down for good, along comes some bikini-wearin' chain smokin' hottie beggin for a place to stay. Being the kind-soul that I am, I regularly boot a roommate out to make way for a smokin' girl but only to find that it's not as cool as I thought it would be. Whereas I thought that I would be inspecting bikinis and having long philosophical diatribes on the differences between Kant and Nietzsche; it's mainly just her blowing smoke into my face and mocking my lack of circulation problems. Damn smokin' women: Bane of my existence.

Now I ain't tryin to start beef, but I tend to disagree with damn near everything Oliver Wang writes about concerning music. I enjoy his site (mainly for the links) but I find that anytime he speaks of music I'm just like "you are wrong again Wang." Case in point:
Nas's Bridging the Gap video/song. He says that the execution of the concept is hot. I say bullshit. This is a verrrry boring track. Oh, let's mix up a standard-blues riff with Olu Dara singing about Nas and then we'll just change the song with a crappy transition where we add a beat with Nas rhyming. Sure the concept is neat, but the execution is not. When it changes it's not smooth...it's jerky. It's like mashing up two songs that don't have the same bpm. Like seriously, you could actually listen to this more than once and enjoy it every time? If so, I suspect that you have been listening to some shitty music lately and have grown accustomed to poor-compositions masquerading as songs. Go listen to the Mars Volta. That's compostion!
He also sez that the latest De La album is the best since 1996. It's okay, but saying that it's better than either of the AOI albums is just wrong. To me, the same things that make this new album so-so are the same reasons those AOI releases were marginal: TOO MUCH GODDAMN SINGING. This is the same reason Talib and Mos put out shitty albums (well-one of the factors at least). Hip-Hop does not need some RnB singer crooning on every track. Just cuz somebody sings some words doesn't mean I'll feel it more. We must stop this madness now and nip this in the bud before Shanice is on an M.O.P. track (jeezus-I was just reminded of that song they made with the product GnB...wack!). So O-dub, you might get paid to write your opinions on music, but you are incorrect, whereas I write my views for free (sans explanation or eloquence) and I am right. Oh and that new Snoop-Dogg song with Pharrel? Yeah, I guess it IS genius when some overrated producer records himself beatboxing his own "Grindin'" beat with a few clicks and pops so Snoop can continue rhyming about nothing (but at least he does more shizzle-rhymes...oh boy!!!). I hope Pharrel can sell alot of those nasty-shoes he's tryin' ta sell cuz I am sick of hearing that mu'fuckah on everyone else's radio.
That's enough brilliance for today. I'm out ya'll. Peace.
*BAMF!*

2004-10-18T13:47:00.000-05:00

Monday Afternoon Review

Jon Stewart called him a dick on his own show. Blau!
And though I don't have cable, I do have transcripts of this encounter. It's really refreshing to see Stewart come on the show and make some good points about the show ("it's[Crossfire] theater") and then watch Carlson and Begala squirm as they realize that Stewart is being serious and he's not going to just tell some jokes. Stewart roasts 'em. Go read.

And read this piece on GwB's faith-based confidence. Truly frightening (link: blah3.com).
Could it be possible that God speaks through Bush? Somehow I doubt the Supreme Deity would stutter and be as incoherant, but maybe that's just a result of the spirit taking over. Besides, the God GwB talks about doesn't seem like the God I've come to know. The God I know enjoys pastrami sandwitches and listens to Slayer "purely for aesthetic value" and he's big on that whole "love thy neighbor" thing too. He's a funny dude...Bush should meet him.
Also spotted at blah3 is the sneeze. Go read his "Steve don't eat it" section. Funny shite.
And a good break from politics for a moment.
Another good break from politics is the whole "Blogwars" joke that some people are taking at face value and really, way too seriously. First Bol does the whole O-Dub is a known rascist joke and it's funny (that's what that dude does...he is hilarious). And then in both of their comments sections people start taking sides or casually tossing about racial epiteths. Then, others begin to take notice. Take this for example. Kiersten Marek has no idea what she is talking about. I would imagine she visited Bol's "about me" section and took it at face value. If you are going to make a comment on something then you should do your best to be well-informed so that you don't look like Kiersten Marek. No offense lady, but you took things too literally. It's all fake. A joke. Then, over at O-dub's comment section O-Dub and some cat named esco are all up in arms or whatever(well, really, OW is more rational and on the defensive, so he scores points). Whoo! Fighting is contagious! I think I will refrain from all that- as I am an easy target to ridicule. I'll just watch and laugh.

In other news, Jay-Z signed Foxy Brown to his record label with a half-million $ advance. Then, the same day, she goes out and gets a Bentley GT that costs half as much as her advance. I don't get that. Foxy Brown is a shitty rapper (when she writes her own rhymes) so she should be investing money for when those boobs begin to sag and people stop paying attention to her. Who the fuck owns Foxy Brown records anyway? No one I know.

Who still pays attention to KRS-One? Me, I guess. I was wondering how I was going to comprehend KRS's statements here until I read his response. Now I'm not too certain about KRS being a philosopher (though I think he is sincere when he says this...I have read "Ruminations") that people turn to for wisdom, but I do like the fact that he's out there with contrary opinions, to incite and attempt to get people to think differently. I think he has the right approach, but I wonder if he really accomplishes his intentions. On a side note, I read that Krist Novaselic (sp?) from Nirvana was on the same panel as KRS and when KRS said "America needs to commit suicide" he was like "No man, suicide is not the answer."
Maybe I'm an asshole, but I think that is hilarious. You know, considering Nirvana and all.
One more link and I'm out to eat lunch...
Read the first six paragraphs of this article.
To me, this speaks volumes (by inference) on the situation in Iraq.
Excuse the brevity. Must eat.
*out*

2004-10-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

The Only Debate I Watched Begs For My Comments
and I will comply...

Now I know that I'm just going to be another person who does this but...
The Debate (forgot to note time first...kinda vauge...)
Sometime near the beginning: "I will hunt them down [terrorists] and kill them."-JFK. Personally? Wow. That's quite a promise. I like it.
Later: Bush says he doesn't remember saying he wasn't worried about OBL.
Oh word? (scroll down)
8:17: "...I send my budget man to Congress"-GWB
8:22: Kerry comes back with a pop-culture refrence to "stick it to the man." *yawn*
8:24: Bush goes *Phew* real loud like "Whoo!" He then opens a Coors Light and pours it over his head. This is awesome!
8:28:"Is homosexuality a choice Mr. President"-Bob(the mod)
GwB-"I don't know" JFK-"No." Me-"Nah" Dave-"*silence*" Bol-"No Homo"
8:34: JFK is eloquent on the "it's a sin to vote for Kerry"-quote question. GwB-not so eloquent.
8:40: JFK swats down Bush. pretty funny to watch.
8:43: Bush begins with some response and then just starts stuttering and is like "oh, never mind..." and he just starts on something new...elementary skool style. Nice!
8:55: Dave-"I agree." (to something from JFK) Way to participate D!
9:02: GwB avoids a direct question on RvWade. Kerry notes this.
9:05:Bob says something about a backdoor draft while asking a question. Dave and I laugh.
Backdoor draft. Um...and there were some answers or something.
Ok, 30 minutes later GwB says that his wife "speaks better English" than him and I was like "Fuck! That's pretty funny. He is kinda human. Neither robots, nor puppets can express self-depreciating behavior. Damn! Six months of research lost! Back to the JFK theory!"
The End: And we all have a good laugh and the two cats shake and say some shit before they bring their "debate" to an end.
Who won: I did. I killed another 90 minutes from my life. Time to drink. Oh, uh, no beer.

Well then...links! Get drunk off my links please. Lap them up like the curs you are and...
Excuse me.
Bol over there at (um, what's he call it? Oh yeah..) The Infamous and Lamentable B dot C
starts with this and then continues with this post to which the accused responds and Bol responds until it reaches critical mass (or at least, right now). I am in awe. This is the funniest shit I have read in a minute. Casual racism-it's making a comeback!
I been readin' a lot of different blogs lately...try a few:
Hardly Art, Hardly Garbage-BMG is gonna get him later. They're like a crazy ex-girl. Watch.
Mo Ca$h-he liked Talib's "Beautiful People" I don't hold it against him.
We Eat So Many Shrimp-Ice Cube has an Ak-47 here. Watch out.
Royal Magazine-nice pictures and links and music and and and...
Quarterwit-More than 1/4 wit.
No more blogs for now, but...
This is very gross and it involves Bill O'Reilly. No really. Gross.
And I'm gonna let Castro take this one out. I don't know why either.

"Viva mystuntedgrowth y Cuba Libre!"
*out!*

2004-10-13T16:18:00.000-05:00

The Humane Society of the United States is Retarted

...and then we'll eat that dog.

Now I ain't no goddamn hater of animals or anything because I love to eat them. I practice equal-opportunity-eating-of-animals whenever I can. Hell, if I was in Korea, I would try my damndest to eat some dog-meat. I also hear they boil cats. Wonder if that would be similar to egg-drop soup (cat-drop soup? delicious!) But, since I'm here in America with a bunch of assholes who would try and stop me from killing a dog and roasting it over a fire pit I guess I'll have to make due with lambs, pigs, birds, fish and cows...the animals people don't give a shit about eating. But wait-where is all this concern about animals coming from?
Go here.
Now, I don't give a shit about Jay-Z, but I do take issue with the Humane Society waiting months upon months to comment on the video. I guarantee they see videos and commercials and advertisements or whatever that really offend their loving-animals sensibilities and they just make a note of it and put it in a stack that they can consult later. Usually, they consult this stack when they feel they are being ignored. Then they make a blanket statement and condemn somebody or someone for abusing animals. For example, if Mr. Goodwin of the Humane Society took offense when he saw a depiction of pit-bulls fighting in Jay-Z's video why didn't he say something when it first came out? Why wait months to comment on something the networks (probably) don't show that often anyways? The answer is because the Humane Society is retarded. So the video has a clip of some pit-bulls goin' at it in a dog-fight. It also has a scene where Jay-Z gets shot. Buuuuut, the Humane Society could give a shit if another black male is murdered because dog-fighting is a serious threat to the safety of our inner-city residents. Dog fighting huh? So, Humane Society, what do you propose we do to combat this threat?
Goodwin[the Humane Society investigator] called for other Hip-Hop artists to come forward and renounce dog fighting.
“Young people often mirror the actions of the celebrities they idolize,” Goodwin noted. “Artists who insist on spreading these images through their work must accept their roles in perpetuating community violence.”
Oh yeah. I'm sure once Fabolous comes out against animal-cruelty the streets will be much safer for our "inner-city residents." So that's it. The Humane Society has identified this issue as a problem and now feels that it's time for Hip-Hop to address the issue. I nominate Cam'Ron to dress up in some purple-skirt (why fight it Cam?) and re-record some song from Cyndi Lauper that condones animal cruelty. Then, we'll all have popsicles and sing songs. Yay.
So there you have it: The Humane Society is retarded because they know they are impotent and yet still try and act like they are relevent. As long as people still eat other animals I really have to wonder why the Humane Society even tries.
I think I'll boil a lobster tonight to hear it scream. Animals deserve to die.
Then, I'm starting up a dog-fighting circuit at the crib. I could bank off of the suffering of animals that we don't usually eat. Then, I'll cook the losers, cuz their meat will be tenderized from the fighting. Mmmmm!
*out*

2004-10-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

A Review of the F-Town Suicide

To comprehend the devestating combination of drugs one must first understand that there are really only two items necessary to employ the F-Town Suicide:
and but you'll need more herbs than that if yer doin' it right.
Anyhoo, I'm just going to assume you know how to roll a blunt and what one is, but if you are curious or need instructions I got that on lock.
Purchase a big bottle of Jim Beam whiskey and procure some herbals from your favorite dealer. We used to prefer Big Swan Gotti but if you don't have some white-kid wanna-be-thug who listens to Three-Six-Mafia and has fat rolls on his neck that make the back of his head look like a pack of franks then go find your own connection. Swan Gotti used to hook us up back in the day even if his product was questionable (Swan Gotti:"Dude, this shit is apple-bud...smells like apples see? $30 an eighth!" Me: "$20 or no deal." Swan: "Sold."). But he introduced me and my crew to the F-Town Suicide so I'll let his past transgressions slide just for nostalgic purposes. Which finally brings us to the main idea: Just what is an F-Town Suicide?
F-Town refers to the small town of Fairland, Indiana about 30 miles SouthEast of Indianapolis that gave birth to the innovative minds that created this ticket to an early demise (before 30).
I suspect the suicide is an unconcious nod to the final destination of most residents in said town. The F-Town Suicide is really just a concentrated version of the inebriation-cycle that most residents of Fairland eventually lapse into. Instead of accumulating a life-time of ailments stemming from your appetite for destruction you can go ahead and cut-corners by trying the F-Town Suicide as an expressway to your eventual heart-failure.
An F-Town Suicide is a process to get you fuuuuuuuucked up. There's just a few steps:
Once you have procured your illicit substances and created a blunt then you are ready to rock.
And on a side note, the F-Town Suicide is never done alone. There must be at least two people present for the event to be counted as an F-Town Suicide. Besides, why would you want to do the F-Town Suicide alone? No one can see you in all your glory if you are alone (this will make sense as I explain further...).
First: Light that blunt. Smoke it up. Pass it around the cypher once so that it's really burning by the time it gets back to you. Now that it's roaring, proceed to step two...
Second: Take a big pull off that blunt and hold it in.
Third: Open the bottle of Jim Beam and place the bottle to your lips (without exhaling).
Forth: Guzzle down as much whiskey as you possibly can by tipping the bottle upwards towards the heavens so God can smile on your foolishness.
Fifth: Finish your swig, and as you do so, exhale your THC-payload, which should envelop you in a haze of bluish-yellow blunt smoke that will impress novice-weed-smokers.
Sixth: Repeat until either substance is gone or until you die at 29-years-of-age on the toilet.

And there you have it: The F-Town Suicide, preferred method of intoxication for every Fairland resident with aspirations of owning their own barbershop (I swear to God, that's all those dudes talked about doing...). I myself have never tried the F-Town Suicide because I hate whiskey, but I do support and condone it's use and abuse because the usual knuckle-heads who love this sort of shit don't really need to reproduce, so if they consume a heavy amount of whiskey and marijuana their libidos will be easily defeated before they can get a chance to reproduce. In the interests of all humanity I encourage the reproduction of the above description as a Public-Service-Announcement to be distibuted amongst the masses because mystuntedgrowth is for the children. Thank you all for your attention. Expect another update soon...
*out!*

2004-10-06T13:12:00.000-05:00

I Ain't No Dirty Bird But I Been Puffin'

Finally figured out how to put up some pictures, so be expectin this blog to be fiiaaaahhhh. Or at least an entertaining way to kill time as you download that newest Paris hilton video. Either way, all I know is that I wish I had a giant stuffed puffin. This old woman doesn't look too frightened, but I bet if you hollowed that body out and splashed some pigs-blood on the white fur and then chased around old-women with a rusty spoon then those biddies would be layin' on their back gaspin' for air as their cardiac system fails. Oh the power I could have with a puffin suit. I wonder how much Gorilla suits go for these days? I think a full-body gorilla suit would be a good item to have in my closet. I don't really see myself growing much so I bet if I invest in a costume then it could last for years. Then I'll roam the streets of Indianapolis and scare the be-jeezus out of old-people, and if I don't kill them automatically then I'll at least repo their drivers licenses. The grey-haired menace must be stopped. Word.

Pssst...did you hear about the Air-Force's anti-matter weapons? Sounds expensive and not nearly as neat as the sonic-bowel disruptor that I heard about years ago. Besides, if you can't make weapons that make your enemy shit uncontrollably then what is the point?

I spotted this post about the debates last-night and thought it was pretty cool. Anytime you can use a Seinfeld-refrence in politics and do it coherantly then its all good. Plus he talks about Dennis Miller on Jay Leno which I happened to hear last night as I was typing on the computer and my room-mate was watching the idiot-box. Goddamn, Dennis Miller is a hack. I'm not sayin' he's not funny cuz I don't agree with his politics but that dude has lost it. Not that he was that great to begin with-his snide attitude has always indicated him as an asshole, but now it's like he's that Uncle at family gatherings just tossin' out jokes that aren't funny, but laughing maniacally at every punchline. And Jay Leno doesn't help either why-wait a minute. We all know Jay Leno and Dennis Miller suck balls. The real question is why I didn't beat the shit out of my roommate with the remote control for watching such tripe. I have failed you once again humanity. Tonight I will bludgeon him with a prosthetic limb that I have stolen from some old-person while wearing a gorilla costume. I won't even say anything and I'll still be wearing the gorilla-suit as I flail a wooden leg towards his dome. Take that punk.

Well, I might not actually, because he did go out and get that new De La Soul album that I'm listening to right now. It's um...it's uh...well, it's more De La without Prince Paul. you know what I mean. Now don't get me wrong, De La doesn't need Prince Paul (Stakes is High is my favorite album of all time-any genre) but I do get a little nostalgic for the craziness that Paul brought to the group. Now they're so damn old all they can do is be serious. Anyway, in the spirit of Bol and his record reviews, here's my review of "The GrindDate":
"The Future"
The de la intro with somebody (Mase?) saying "the future" a bunch of times and then about 1:30 into the track the song begins with some soul-singing and a plodding beat. Lyrics are nice as usual but the beat is kinda blah.
"Verbal Clad"
This has to be a madlib beat. It's got those same drums as that Dizzie Rascal song that talked about a big beat or something. Mu'fuckahs love those drums. I know of at least three local rap-groups that use that beat. It's a nice beat, but damn, I've heard it so much lately it's not all that fresh. Nice lyrics though. Pos and Dave still got that unique delivery and style.
"Much More"
That song that they did on the Chappelle show. Has that chick named "Yummy" singing on it. Is it me or does she sound about 9 years old? Either way, the beat is niiiice and it even has DJ Premier talking about saving hip-hop or whatever he's pissed about right now. Pos comes correct though: "I got verbs, skills, babies and bills, a brother who smoked crills and still tryin' to get himself together from it..." I love how Pos' verses are like a personal update every album. How are your kids Pos? "Check out track 6 my man" Okay, I like this beat and the song but as is the case with rap these days, there is waaaay too much goddamn singing. Note to hiphop: If I want to hear singing I'll buy an R&B album. Knock it off.
"Shopping Bags"
The single. Remeber "Baby Phat" a few years back? Same idea here. De La is speaking on those men and women relations and this time it's all about shopping bags. Might grow on me, but for now the goddamn singing is getting on my nerves. Typical lead single from De La though. Not bad, but not really good either. Next!
"The Grind Date"
This song sounds like they're tryin to capture that "21 Questions" sound. I don't know if it's intentional or not but I keep wanting Dave to say something about loving someone like a fat kid loves cake. Oh well, at least there's no damn singing. Next!
"Church"
Starts off with Spike Lee. He says some AKA stuff but I was thinking about him in those Jordan commercials with the MARS necklace so I don't really hear what he's saying. This is a 9th Wonder track so you know there's people singing in the background. 9th Wonder's drums suck, but this track isn't too bad. Boy it sucks that I can listen to De La and go "well, it's not bad". There used to be no question. I think they're just getting a pass because of their previous efforts.
"It's Like That"
Starts off all syrupy and then Carl Thomas comes through with a little soul-croon and my hand reaches for the forward button. Fuck that bullshit. Next!
"He Comes"
The track that De La didn't pay Ghostface for. I guess they didn't pay Ghost-didni for his verse so he took the track and put it on some mix-tape talkin' about "this is what happens when mu'fuckahs send me a beat and don't give me my gotdamn money!" Whatever. Either way the song is hype and Ghost kills it. I never know what he's saying but he says "Uday and Qusay (sp?)" so it's pretty fun to listen to.
"Days of Our Lives"
Common is on this one. Kinda weird beat. Not too hype, but good. Kinda sounds like a beat I would make, but mine would be better. If I wasn't at work I'd be quoting more lyrics but I can't really turn it up that loud so fuck it-half-assed reviews are better than none eh?
"Come On Down"
Flavor Flav is on this track. It works cuz the beat is kinda Public-Enemy-esque. I wonder if De La had to tell Flav that he wouldn't get a verse on this track. I bet Flav is pretty used to his hypeman status, so it's probably no big deal. Still, I would hate to be the one that says "uh, Flav, we just don't think yer verse about "the strong island wildin' inside of your girls hymen" is going to work. Could you just shout the hook and do that crazy laugh of yours? Thanks."
"No"
Starts out with singing. Begin reaching for forward button-Pos comes on over some strange beat that continues to plod along. I think this is a Dave West beat. His shit kinda just plods along. Not hype and not too slow. Kinda makes me nod. Ah fuck it, next.
"Rock Co.Cane Flow"
HYPE! I want this beat playing as I strut down the halls at work slappin' up my co-workers and drinkin' a 40 oz. of Mickey's Malt Liquor. I'll smoke a blunt and not share either. This song just makes me want to swagger in front of white people while mouthing the words and throwing my hands around like some rapper in a video. RRRRRRAHHHH! Then the track ends and so does the album.
Final Thoughts:
Not dissapointing, but not really anything to get too hype about which makes it another "Bionix" as far as I'm concerned. Some real good songs, a few shitty ones, and way too much singing.
I love De La but I'm gonna have to say download this record and buy one of their first three albums. If you don't have "De La Soul is Dead" then buy it before this one. And I've found that reviewing each song off an album sucks. Never again. Now to figure out how to get some comments on this mug. Later skaters.
*out*

2004-10-06T01:24:00.000-05:00

"Did Somebody Step On a Duck?!?"

He'll get some respect now. Damn shame too. I had a plan to invite Rodney to one of my parties by buying him a plane ticket and a barrel of whiskey. Alas, that letter will never be sent now.
Rest in Peace Mr. D.

AllHipHop got some words for Paris Hilton. Get that beeeatch! Now lets stop speaking of her.

No Taibbi in the nypost this week but I found some columns at Alternet and here.

Lemme take a break right now so I can pause and reflect upon the illegal downloading I have been doing lately thanks to soulseek. Ah Foreign Exchange, O'Shea Jackson (circa 1990), Muggs, Sen-Dog, B-Real, bjork, Hangar 18, non-prophets, brother ali, and MF Doom...thank you for the free music. It is wonderful. By downloading your music I am able to purchase more Miller High-Life and illegal narcatoics to help speed up this dying process. I thank you for your self-less efforts to make my life more inebriated. Your struggle to create art and gain meaningful compensation is noted, but not supported, by me. You have my gratitude.

The earth is about to blow a big symbolic load out there in Washington. Cue the porno-music. Let's hope the magma-stream doesn't get in anyone's eye. Uhhhhhhh

Join me as I take some magic-mushrooms and zone out to the psychedelic sounds of the jew's harp. Then when we come down we'll talk about what really goes on in Bush's earpiece during those public-appearances. I think he listens to Too Short's "Life is..." Yep.

Get thee to the onion posthaste. Laugh. Come back.
Ok, go away...I have nothing else to link to. Nothing to comment either. I'm outta gas.
Time to listen to some bootleg Beatnuts.
*out!*

2004-10-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

MyStuntedGrowth is For The Children:

We got another one of those "debate" things on Tuesday with the VP-candidates tossing phrases and figures at each other. James Ridgeway of the Village Voice anticipates the event (link: Cursor). Should be pretty interesting since Edwards comes correct occassionally.

On a different note, have you ever wanted someone to explain to you, in writing, why they like to frequent brothels and fornicate with whores? Me too! The Guardian has it! Confess your sins before humanity you whore-mongering-ah, fuck it...play on player.

I bet it sucks to be a farmer in Greece. If all the women left around you just what would you do? I'd make a love-bus just like they did. Espescially if I was Spyros Bilionis and insisted that the men of Greece were "well endowed" and would take this bus to the Ukraine to get some pretty ladies. Those farmers don't know about alchemy and growing their own woman I guess. Or they could make a homonculous to tend to the crops while they peruse the personals. Yep, alchemy.

I almost linked to some other disaster in Iraq but then I figured, why bother? We all know Iraq is fucked right now. I know our govt. isn't doing anything great over there. Ok, that's that.
At least some Indians are gettin' a break. At least for 10 days or so...and I guess it's not really that big of a victory...hmm. At least that picture was kinda funny.

Speaking of funny, I wanted to link to some comics that are a good way to kill time:
Ted Rall-cartoons and blog. Alan Keyes (i think) once wondered if Rall could be arrested for sedition in response to one of his cartoons.Ch-ch-check it.
Tom the Dancing Bug-the most consistent cartoonist doing a weekly strip.
Get your War On-David Rees-oh wait, he's in Rolling Stone...you already knew.
Peter Kuper-airbrush stencil comics...does Spy vs. Spy pretty well.
Jim Mahfood-thin lines rule. Great links.
Next isn't funny but neat to look at...
David Mack-whoop! Amazing work. Makes me want to stop drawing. Or at least never use watercolors. Damn.
Of course check out the Maakies and Derfcity, links on the right.
Ok, enough cartoons. Let's laugh at real people. Yep. That is strange beyond words...I can't type here. Confused it with a chicken neck? I think I'm gonna go lie down now...
*out*

2004-09-29T14:15:00.000-05:00

GODDAMN YOU DAD

No wonder I never got laid in High-School. Curse my shrill and unappealing voice. Scarred by years of lacking testosterone my voice was unable to cope with the deluge of chemicals coursing through my veins and as a result, eventually formed my squack-of-a-voice that I posess these days. I thought all that dope smokin' and Camel Lights would give me a voice like Tom Waits but here I am sans gravelly-voice. Maybe when I get throat cancer and I get that throat-box thing I'll be able to get those ladies. "mmm-hello laaadies-squack"
Remember that Sampling Ruling I bitched about a while back? Seems that these people have taken the issue to heart. Good for them. I'd try my hand if I had that record to sample.
Danziger gets the heart of the election in a single-panel.
Bush is not doing as well as those polls are telling you. For example, that dude can't even get his hometown to endorse him. Not that this will make any big difference, but really, those polls you keep seeing? They are nothing. Worthless. Vote Nov. 2nd no matter what. Barring any sneaky conspiracy-type shit, Bush is out. Mark my words.
Remember a few months ago when everytime you'd go into a club or something everyone was all like "FLip! Flip! Flip!" to that "Game Over" song? I consider this payment for all those times I had to endure that bullshit. Usually I hate sampling-laws, but I say GO GO PACMAN!
So you've seen "Farenheit 911" and "OutFoxed" but have you seen what Greg Palast went and made? Check the review and then go buy it...I'm sure it's worth it.
In other FUCK YOU BUSH news... also here.
That's it. Work is out. So am I. Back later.
*BAMF!*

2004-09-27T23:10:00.000-05:00

Drinking Binges are fun...

That's right, I just sobered up from a two-day drinking binge. The source of my saused-ness was a keg of that High-Life. Now I love that beer but damn does it make me stink the next day. Whoof! I bet before I had my shower I smelled like this kid. But I'm back, zestfully clean and ready to link it up. Here we go:
I know you don't have anything better to do, so read the dirty details of Kobe introducing a white girl to the NBA dick. (Link: thesmokinggun).
Oh and that annoying kid from T2 got busted in Kentucky for public intoxication with a lobster.
That's what I always do at my local Meijer but they know me there so it's all good.
This is kinda neat. I want a Biz Markie stamp.
Want to make $6000? If I could, I would. Anybody know any friendly reporters?
Ever wonder what's up with Mt. Saint Helens? Wonder no more. (link: blah3)
Ted Rall pisses people off. Not me though.
Krugman preps you for Thursday's debate. I'll probably watch just to see Bush stammer through half-assed answers. I'll also be very very baked.
Want the Alchemist's album for free? Send Bol some letters and see if it works.
And finally...
Did you ever see that movie "Scratch" where Mix Master Mike and Q-Bert are talkin' about how they think their scratching is communicating with alien life-forms? Maybe they aren't fucking looney like I thought. Does this mean if I start scratching that the aliens will come down and drop the mothership? God I hope so. I can't wait to see how the aliens get fucked-up. I bet they drink High-Life too. Later ya'll.
oh yeah, Joe...when you comin' to Indy?
*BAMF!*

2004-09-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

Go See RJD2

Went to an Rjd2/Diplo show last night and it was great. Diplo was all about putting shit like Lil' Jon over Weezer's "Sweater Song" and other rock stuff which was really very bland. I mean, once you get over the initial 10 seconds of going "is this Weezer over crunk music?" then it's like "okay dude, please stop". Boring. Boring. Boring. There was a screen behind him showing clips of video's like Juvenile's "Ha" and old nintendo games being played. That was more interesting than Diplo. After I dunno, what seemed like an hour RJD2 took to the stage.
He rocks four turtables and two mixers and an MPC and spins records while running back and forth between the tables and his crates, diggin out records and playin' the MPC live. It's quite neat to watch. Plus, he plays a game where the audience can win shit like a loaf of wheat bread or a pumpkin for identifying sound-snippets like "The A-Team" so you can't go wrong. Check your local listings and go see RJD2 if you like that sort of shit. I'm out. Time to smoke.
Back manana with more to say...

2004-09-21T19:32:00.000-05:00

Half-an-Hour Until I Drink...

I'm trying to wait until 8PM before I start pounding back the 24 oz. High-Life, so I figure an update will kill thirty minutes of sobriety until I can put that sweet alcohol to work on confusing my motor-functions. I might even finish off that bud but I will be drinking alone, so I may need my wits about me. Ah, who am I kidding? When I'm drunk I'm impervious to pain and cruel practical-jokes so I guess it doesn't matter. I know Matt Taibbi agrees.

Picked up the new Masta Ace album "A Long Hot Summer" and was not dissappointed. I even kinda like the skits too, unlike his previous "Disposable Arts" effort. I think that the album as a whole is better than "D.A." mainly because of the beats by a bunch of producers I've never heard of. Good job Ace. It's good to get a new hip-hop/rap album that isn't just half-decent, but really good throughout the whole play. Of course, the rhymes are dope, but the production also compliments the sentiment expressed on each track. I hope that De La Soul album is as good (that album got pushed back to Oct. 5th btw). If so, I'll be a happy individual. One can hope. Buy that Ace album if you see it-it's worth the price. I almost bought that "Foreign Exchange" CD but held back cuz I heard it was kinda R&B-ish and these days, that might mean real good or real rhythm and bullshit. I'll keep my ears open...
Yo, check out the track-listing for the new Handsome Boy Modeling School album.
Thank God for those two, cuz I've been wondering for a minute what Chino Moreno from the Deftones would sound like over a Prince Paul beat. This November I shall know for sure. Make sure you read the article too, as the quotes are hilarious.

Oh, and get thee to the maakies website (found on the right-side near the top) for this week's comic if you've ever wondered what a lion, a crow and a monkey would look like humping a snake . I know I have.

What's the deal with this National Guard stuff and Bush? Greg Palast fills you in.
They should have talked to me before approving this event. I can tell you that Sha Na Na sucks because I've picked up their records thinkin' there might be something to sample. Oh what a fool I was. But hey, I didn't book Sha Na Na thinking people would actually show up. Suckers.
Read the third paragraph of that story and then stop. The rest is unnecessary.
Well, looks like it's time to drink. And I think I just remembered that my roomate had to give a presentation to a Mothers-Against-Drunk-Driving panel today cuz he got popped last May. i bet he'll be ready to drink too. Time to do some high-risk-drinking. I bet I can consume four 24 oz. cans. Wish me luck ya'll.
*BURP!*

2004-09-18T19:36:00.000-05:00

Look Ma, I'm too-cool-for-Skool

Once again, I proved my coolness to myself by knowing about this shit waaaay before Rolling Stone magazine does. Now if only I could use that coolness and my veritable finger-on-the-pulse-of-the-nation status to get some poo-nanni I'd be set. But alas, knowing about shit on the internet is NOT how to get the ladies. Trust me on that one.
And wtf is an overbearing critical swagger? Fuck music-writers. They are the only writer's that I know of that actually get paid regularly to just make shit up. Yes, noz from cocaine blunts is opinionated, but IT"S HIS FUCKING SITE. I tend to agree with his estimations and ruminations so I guess I've never really thought of his opinions as an overbearing critical swagger but more as right on. Perhaps this music-writer peeped the site and was like "Whoa, I like Talib Queli, he's on my Ipod right between the White Stripes and the lastest from the Get-Up Kids...he's a conscious rapper dammit. How could anyone hate?" type-type-type..."overbearing critical swagger." But hey, at least RS is showing some love to O-dub and Noz, the only two I care about (well, actually moistworks had a de la soul week which was excellent). So props to you gentlemen. Now link to my site dammit.
So what else is new? A few famous people have gone nuts lately...let's review:
First off, Jimmy Swaggart thinks he can pull one over on God (link via atrios):
"...I'm gonna be blunt and plain; if one [a homosexual male] ever looks at me like that, I'm gonna kill him and tell God he died." Oh word Jimmy. I bet a supreme and omniscient being would fall for that. I bet he'll even give you a high-five and the latest Amy Grant CD too. Jimmy Swaggart needs to get 12" of black dick up his homosexual-fearing ass just because.
Next up is Oprah. That crazy bitch gave away like 200+ cars. My favorite part of the article is when Oprah starts jumping up and down screaming "Everybody gets a car! Everybody gets a car! How wild is that?" Pretty wild Oprah, we certainly DO need more housewives on the road, cell-phone in hand, talking about the latest sob-story on the O.W. show. I swear if I see one of those cars, I'm keying it. Blau!
And we all know that these polls are complete bullshit right? All my friends see this shit and are like "man, W's gonna win again, so why bother voting?" That's how they want you to react fools! If you don't show up at the polls dumb patriotic Americans who actually think W is a good guy will. Please please please vote. I don't like Kerry either but fuck, Bush is insane and so is his team. Gettim' out! Of course, if you don't want Kerry to take away your bible and make you marry a man then feel free to vote for Nixon II.
And everyone I know doesn't seem to care about this. Yet it seems to me, to be an accurate gauge of this man's love for America. I mean, this is the same guy who, while at Yale (and only there because of his father's connections) vigilantly supported the Vietnam War while braggin about how he got in the National Guard to avoid combat. That is the definition of a hypocrite. Go over to Salon and get the day-pass, then scroll down to the interview with a former professor of Bush's while at Yale. Interesting stuff.
And this is the only time I will say this:
I kinda wish I had cable to see that show "The Surreal Life" where Flavor Flav gets all freaky with Brigitte Neilsen. Yeah, Flav, hit that and get some of those millions she got for marrying Stallone for a few months. Sheeeit. That is surreal. I really hope that someone asks Dave Coulier about Alanis Morrisette going down on him in a theater when she was I dunno, eight or whatever. Ha Ha! He'll be like "cut-it-out" and everyone will be like "huh?"
Oh and off topic, but isn't Puffy's "Vote or Die" campaign the silliest shit you've ever seen? I mean, I'm all for voting, but the only black dude rockin' a mohawk that could ever tell me to vote would be Mr. T and that's cuz of all that GOLD. Awwww jeah.
I'm off to try out something I have never seen before: 24oz. cans of Miller High Life. Oh lord, life is good. I'll be back when I sober up. So, see ya Monday.
*BAMF!*

2004-09-16T01:37:00.000-05:00

Two-Taibbi-Thursday

Taibbi's follow up to his last column is interesting.
So is his review of Kitty Kelly's new book.
In a way, I do have to admit that I tend to agree with him on the idea of having a begrudging respect for the Bush fam's cold-as-ice history of ruthlessness. It's the same respect I have for my own country because I certainly do fear a government that bombs some country into the stone-age every few years just for a display of power. Sure, I'd like to see some sort of shift in power but do I think that tearing down the system will solve everything? Hell no. As El-P once said "We will fucking kill you" (you see, he was America). I mean we could have some Che Guevara-type in our midst but once that person pokes his head out of the proverbial water he is gettin' shot and the water is getting firebombed. I would imagine that there will be no revolutions in my lifetime. We've got it too good to revolt. I'm sure we could all agree that we pay too much for cable, but we can't start anything off that. So what else? The war? The economy? Who cares? It all gets broken down into idealogical differences that we bicker over instead of compromising. Like abortion right? Who cares if little embryos die? We can't hear them scream. If you don't think abortion is right, then don't get one. Who cares if other people do? Oh shit. I just devestated the abortion argument with one sentence. Jesus, you people need me as the philosopher king Plato always had a hard-on for. I'm a smart mu'fuckah.
And what's more, this brilliant mind needs some rest.
I'll be back in a number of hours to continue my reign.
Continue your drudgery peasants, for I shall sleep on my Nasa-designed gel-bed which is supported by the Elephant Man's bones. Toil on.
*snore*

2004-09-11T14:14:00.000-05:00

Mobb Deep make me laugh

So I was diggin' through the record stacks last night lookin' for something to put over these drums I found and for some reason I grabbed some 80's compilation record and put it on "She Blinded Me With Science" without thinking. So I'm kinda chuckling to myself when all the sudden the synthesizer kicks in and I'm like "oh shit, Mobb Deep (I guess really the alchemist) sampled "She Blinded me With Science" on that single "Got it Twisted". Ha Haaa Haaaaa. I'm sure all you cool mu'fuckahs realized that the first time you heard it but I didn't listen to bullshit 80's music so I was sleepin' until yesterday. They should have put that dude that sang that song on the track to do some science raps or something though, or at least have him in the video mean muggin' the camera with a labcoat on and some crazy hair. And maybe he could have cured Prodigy's sickle cell...that'd be dope. Now all The Alchemist needs to do is flip some Rick Astley over a hard beat and sell it to like Cam'Ron or some shit. Guaranteed dollaz.

Oh shit! Raindrops keep fallin' on my muthafuckin' head! Bacharach over some Dre drums? Hell yes. I'm interested.
Holy shit, me and 50 cent have something in common! I always tape myself gettin' freaky with some groupie with low-self-esteem but I NEVER take off the bullet-proof vest. Don't try and change me dammit.

De La Soul Shoes? Yep. Still don't beat the ones I did at SneakerPimps. I'd rather have a pair of shoes with the inside artwork of Buhloon Mind State on the side. That'd be fresh(spotted at catchdubs).
Cocaine Blunts is back! He's featuring some Saul Williams and some real rascist raps from Indianapolis(?) Go listen to them loudly on your computer at work. Impress your boss by turning up the volume whenever someone curses or sez nigga or cracka or whatever. They'll love it!
Uhhh, go get some fresh air and get off the computer. That's what I'm gonna do. Out.
*BAMF!*

2004-09-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

I'll get this update poppin' with a link to the latest Taibbi column where he basically says everything I've been thinking since the protests before the war. Obviously protests as we know them now do not work because the powers-that-be have had about 50 years to figure out the best way to contain the rabble of protesters. It's time to think of means other than staging protests to affirm our faith in democracy. Democracy is broke mu'fuckahs. Time to re-read Steal This Book, particularly the chapter called "Monkey Warfare" where Abbie Hoffman suggests doing tactics that don't harm but disrupt and inconvenience those targeted. For example, rendering all the locks on Wall St. useless by using some sort of quick-drying epoxy concealed in a syringe won't bring down the system but it will stop the pace, if only for a brief moment. There's better examples but I can't think of them right now. Go review your Hoffman. Taibbi also suggests we get reaquainted with the concepts of strikes. This is true. See, the thing about those protests is that they don't do much but clog the streets and provide 10-second video clips for the major news to dismiss. To really begin change one must get drastic. Our role in capitalism is that of a mere cog, but think of the possiblities if all of the cogs suddenly stop. If we don't start to realize this then the next step in "protests" will be having the government say "you protestors can protest in this muddy field in Kansas if you want your voice to be heard" and then have people actually show up to protest in some area where no one will hear the voices, or care. The "power" of protesting is a thing of the past Drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm just trying to figure out what I can do...
But wait, I thought they had released all the documents that they had...
I'm glad the AP filed a FOIA to get some more insight into the story. I was afraid that this issue would be lost after it seemed to die down a few months ago. I just can't believe that the Kerry campaign hasn't been hammering away at Bush with this sort of shit. I mean, this whole SwiftBoat Veterans for truth is bullshit, but how hard is it to say "Uh, yeah you Republicans are making a big issue about how I behaved when I was in Vietnam, but hey at least I went and then relaized it was a HORRIBLE MISTAKE, unlike you spineless weasels who avoided it through your priveledged connections and still think it was an idealogically-sound war." C'mon Kerry you pussy. Grow a spine!!! (On a side note: I think Kerry sucks but he's not Bush. I will hold my nose as I vote for K this November)
But wait, there's more!
And Is Disobeying a DIRECT order a crime? (spotted at atrios, link on the right side)
This is getting interesting...
"The Taliban are women! They're bitches! If they were real men, they'd stop hiding under their burkas and they'd come out and fight!": Interesting article from Afghanistan, that other disaster we don't really talk about. A good read nonetheless.
My boy Chavez of Venezuela is still at it despite the U.S.'s best efforts to oust him. My favorite South American leader, besides Castro. And yeah yeah yeah, say all you want about Castro, he does have his faults (homophobic, anti-Jehovah's witnesses (is that really so bad?kidding.) questionable political decrees, etc.) you gotta admit that he saved Cuba from becoming the Carribean Las Vegas. Plus, he has the tenacity of a cockroach, so he'll be here even after the nukes scortch the earth talkin' about "CUBA LIBRE!" You know it's true. RRRAHHH!
Ok, enough talk about things I can't do anything about...uh, actually, how about I just change the topic from politics to music:
A Federal Appeals Court Ruling Proves That They Have No-Fucking-Clue.
This argument is ridiculous. Bridgeport Music and Westbound records are whore-mongering vultures who purchase the copyright to old Parliament songs and then sue mu'fuckahs who sample said songs, even if George Clinton approves of sampling. See, something is wrong with the music world when people can buy the rights to music they did not create and then make a profit off of it. YOU PIGFUCKERS!!!!!!!! Check out what Ol' George said back in '92:
"Well, first of all, I suspect that the industry again is trying to do to rap what they tried to do to funk, and that's kill it because it's got to much information, and spreading of information,” Clinton told the Houston Press in 1992. “So what we've done to keep them from all this stupidity, like trying to sue, or saying that I'm suing people, is to put out a record called "Sample Some of Disc and Sample Some of Dat" - just samples from alot of the old songs, because I have some of the demos of those songs, which is not what the record company owns, so I can license those to be sampled. We have a pay schedule that's really easy to deal with - if they sell records, they pay, if they don't they can try again. We got to make sure that rap survives, because it's our only means of communication that gets past the gatekeepers.”
True indeed. So now it seems that all sounds on records are worthy of copyright. How the fuck does this make any sense at all? Capitalism is going to ruin music. Call me MC Marx ya'll. Where would music be today if Mozart copyrighted all the chords he used and then organists/pianists etc. had to pay royalties when they used these chords? We would not have the music we have today if it wasn't for the influence of one generation on another. Sampling is genius, because it is such an innovative idea. It's really not that different from cutting your teeth on Led Zepplin riffs and then writing some song that has the same rockin' feel with arpeggiated chords. I mean, if Creed can exist without Pearl Jam suing them, then what's so wrong with sampling? Human expression is built upon the backs of others thoughts and ideas and this is necessary to move forward. When some kid loops up a snippet of some obscure record no one has listened to in years is that theft or a new realization? I often listen to songs and think "man, it'd sound better if he/she would just go "dahn-duh-duh instead of dahn-duh-dahn." That's what hip-hop production is, making something new with fragments of the past. It's an evolution of music and unfortunatley the old guard has courts to back them up. The Next Step: Free Hip-Hop-sample-based-music. If you don't make a profit then why sue? Let those fuckers have all the royalties of a 0% profit. But then bootleg it and sell it on the street. The black market rules!!!!
Here's some more thoughts on it (spotted at www.boingboing.net)
And what the fuck is up with the picture they put to accompany this story?
Finally, go make a paper air-plane that flaps with no motors or rubber bands. Make office-life interesting for a few minutes. Speaking of which, back to work.
Outro.
*BAMF!*

2004-09-06T19:16:00.000-05:00

An Exercise in Futility...

Now I'm not one to regularly claim my alma matter, as I came to realize it was more of an entity designed to take all the money it possible could from me, rather than give me a good education (but hey, I guess you get what you pay for, ie. very little). But, today I was reading the Indianapolis Star and came across this little gem.
This is hilarious because it shows how inept the efforts at curbing college drinking are. I mean, Muncie, Indiana sucks. The only things that make life bearable in that little city are intoxication and casual sex, and the two go hand-in-hand. And if you can't score then you opt for some debauchery. Like say, getting real drunk and then banging on somebody's door until the cops come and shoot you for no good reason. Now that's some fun. But now you can hardly drunkenly walk on top of someones car and slip on the windshield causing it to emit a loud 'crack' just before you wobble off the hood and back to the astonished looks of your former-roommates. It's a damn shame I tells ya. What is this world coming to?

I certainly don't know, but it seems as though the coke-head in chief will be overseeing the progress of the NWO this November as the American public just can't seem to get it's collective head out of it's ass. I mean, even my mom, who I thought was coming back around as of late has told me that she's voting for the W AGAIN. So, after much debate, I have decided to shatter her kneecaps in order to keep her from leaving the house on Nov. 2nd. I do this out of love mind you...tough love, but she will understand. Then I can apologize to her as my state goes red once again and I realize that my efforts are futile and that democracy is a sham. But it sounds good now, so why fight it?

So how was the RNC? I'd ask the protestors, or maybe that stripper that had a blog (linked to in an earlier post). Or your alchoholic uncle who hates Mexicans. Either way, I could give a shit.

Hey, wanna read something scary? Go here. Yep, my state has 'em too. Yikes.
On a different note, I finally got a copy of that new Roots album "The Tipping Point" and I must say that I am pleasantly suprised. Is it cuz I'm white? Probably. I didn't really know what to expect as I thought "Phrenology" was kind of "ehh" but I sat down with the album and listened to it all the way through and didn't hit the 'fast-forward' button once. The highlight of the album would have to be the track directly after the final song...the one with dave Chappelle screamin' and yellin' in the background. The song has an ODB-chaotic vibe to it and I've been enjoying jumping around and screaming along . And for some reason Dice-Raw comes through lovely, in fact, probably the best he's ever been. I would purchase it if I didn't already burn it. Take that ?uestlove! I ain't feedin' yo' kids. Hell, I ain't feedin' my own either...it's the principle. They can get a job like their absent-father. I don't care if you are 5 years-old goddamit, it's time for you to get that paper! Now pack daddy's bowl before you go to your paper-route job and don't put any seeds in there like last time or I'll make you sleep in the dog-house outside. Ah the joys of fatherhood. I could knock up girls with low-self-esteem all day if i didn't ahve to work so much.
Whoa, where'd that come from? I think I just channeled the thoughts of some dude down the block who lives with his mom and his wife in some tiny apartment. Damn this telepathy. I'm out.
*BAMF!*

2004-09-04T16:02:00.000-05:00

We Go Through Changes...

I finally decided to poke around a bit with the html code and see if I could make this blog a little more homey. Links for your pleasure are on the right. I will post more as I learn this shite. I'm gettin there, so for now it's baby steps. To the news:
Looks like Kitty Kelly is about to drop a book called "The Family: The real Story of The Bush Dynasty" ( I won't link it but you can do it yourself). I'm kinda interested in that gossipy sort of way. I won't buy the damn thing, but someone did leave a copy of KK's Nancy Reagan tell-all book in my break-room at work and I always enjoyed flipping through it as I ate my lunch. From what I could tell it looks like KK just tries to find all the embarassing details that people try to hide. I don't know and don't care how this will affect the election but I'm sure there's some pretty interesting reading in there. I'll check it out at the library some day no doubt.
Been a while since I linked to Krugman. Let's fix that.
Shit is crazy in Russia as usual.
Uhmmm, I'm kinda burned out right now, so I'll leave with this.
Update soon. Must study Spanish and sleep. And drink beer. out!
*BAMF!*

2004-09-01T15:55:00.000-05:00

An Appeal to a Higher Power:

Lord, if yer up there, today would be the perfect opportunity to sink New York into the Atlantic.

That's right everybody, the Republican National Convention is going on strong in New York and yet the Supreme Deity has not wiped Madison Square Garden off of the face of this earth. No wonder I alternate between believing in a God and worshipping a sock-puppet that I have made of my own accord (you see, if I'm going to be worshipping something, at least I know that I made the shit up...the sentiment is the same, but with no illusions). But, one good thing about the RNC is that the village voice has given a stripper a blog to comment on the events. Enjoy.
I didn't get to see it because I blinded myself on purpose, but apparently those Bush twins are quite the comedians. Here's an excerpt from their "speech" introducing W:
JENNA BUSH: It's great to be here. We love Arnold. Isn't he awesome? Thanks to him, if one of us ever decides to marry a Democrat, nobody can complain, except maybe our grandmother, Barbara. And if she doesn't like it, we would definitely hear about it. We already know she doesn't like some of our clothes, our music, or most of the TV shows we watch. Gammie, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex and the City" is something married people do, but never talk about. We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes, we did a little better job than others. We kept trying to explain to my dad that when we are young and irresponsible, well, we're young and irresponsible.
BARBARA BUSH: Jenna and I are really not very political, but we love our dad too much to stand back and watch from the sidelines. We realized that this would be his last campaign, and we wanted to be a part of it. Besides, since we've graduated from college, we're looking around for something to do for the next few years. Kind of like dad.
JENNA: Our parents have always encouraged us to be independent and dream big. We've spent a lot of time at the White House, so when we showed up the first day, we thought we had it all figured out. But apparently my dad already has a chief of staff, named Andy.
BARBARA: When your dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. I knew I wasn't quite ready to be president, but number two sounded pretty good. Who is this man they call Dick Cheney?
JENNA: I think I know a lot about campaigns. After all, my grandfather and my dad have both run for president, so I put myself in charge of strategy. Then I got an angry call from some guy named Karl.
BARBARA: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world; we've studied abroad. But when we started coming home with foreign policy advise, dad made us call Condi.
JENNA: Not to be deterred, we thought surely there's a place for strong willed, opinionated women in communications. And next thing we know, Karen's back.
BARBARA: So we decided the best thing we could do here tonight would be to introduce somebody we know and love.
JENNA: You know all those times when you're growing up and your parents embarrass you? Well, this is payback time on live TV.
BARBARA: Take this. I know it's hard to believe, but our parents' favorite term of endearment for each other is actually Bushy. And we had a hamster, too. Let's just say ours didn't make it. JENNA: But, contrary to what you might read in the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool. They do know the difference between mono and Bono. When we tell them we're going to see Outkast, they know it's a band and not a bunch of misfits. And if we really beg them, they'll even shake it like a Polaroid picture.
(Found at blah3 who found it a DailyKos) (italics mine)
Excuse me while I jam a Q-Tip against and hopefully through my ear-drum. Sweet-death, send me your loving embrace. Ok, now I know these brain-dead booze hound ho's didn't write their own speech, but did they at least READ that tripe before saying it? Jesus. I mean, that's some shitty comedy. Would the average RNC attendee know what the hell they were talking about? Did the twins? OUTKAST is not a FUCKING BAND! And the mental image of the two Bush's shaking like a Polaroid picture? Christ! The only time I want to see George W. Bush shaking is when he eats another pretzel and can't breathe. I want to vomit blood. HWARRRCH!

From truthout.org:
t r u t h o u t Republican Convention Coverage By William Rivers Pitt
Wednesday 01 September 2004 1:10PM
OK, now I get it. Cheney just came roaring by in a massive caravan that dove inside Pier 60. A bunch of regular New Yorkers standing on the street here gave him the finger as he went
by. I love it (italics mine).

My pops told me about this story last night. Read on and disbelieve.
I need some new eyeballs after tearing mine out. Where to find some new eyes? (via boingboing)
Spotted via Cursor is this:
OVER-REGISTERING AND OTHER MEASURES OF "WINNING."
This bit from the president's interview with Rush Limbaugh is such a cavalcade of nonsense that I sincerely hope transcription errors are to blame:
I think so. On the other hand, we're making great progress. Today at the Legion I said, "We're winning the war on terror, and we will win the war on terror." There's no doubt in my mind, so long as this country stays resolved and strong and determined, and by winning, I just would remind your listeners that Pakistan is now an ally in the war on terror. Saudi now takes Al-Qaeda seriously, and they're after the leadership. Libya is no longer got weapons of mass destruction. Afghanistan, I don't know if you've discussed this on your program, but there are over ten million people who have registered to vote in Afghanistan, which is a phenomenal statistic when you think about it. And then of course Iraq is now heading toward elections as well, and we're making progress.Here's the thing. While it's quite true that over 10 million Afghans have registered to vote (10.35 million, to be exact), there are only 9.8 million eligible voters in the country. What we're seeing isn't an unprecedented outpouring of democratic enthusiasm, it's massive fraud. Registration cards are selling for as much as $100 a pop. The government, meanwhile, has no effective authority over anything. And how come Saudi Arabia is after the al-Qaeda leadership? Shouldn't that be Pakistan's job, since al-Qaeda's leadership is, you know, in Pakistan and stuff? And Libya never had weapons of mass destruction, it had weapons programs. (I know, I know, "what's the difference?") And this was, to repeat, an interview with Rush Limbaugh -- what would happen if the president faced some actually tough questioning?
--Matthew Yglesias
Sounds pretty familiar to the way I understand "democracy" working in these times...
But don't worry, we will save you from those terrorists! (again, via Cursor)
And now for something completely different:
Ok, I was stuck with a 9 year old in a car last Sunday for a work-related activity and I was fortunate enough to hear Disney Radio (which apparently this kid loves...oh the horror the horror) and the latest from like Ashlee Simpson or whatever. Anyway, as I'm looking out the window thinking about how I would enjoy dismembering either Simpson with a rusty spoon, I suddenly realize that the song has changed and I am listening to the latest Black Eyed Peas song called "Let's Get it Started" which was originally released as "Let's Get Retarded" ( I don't know how I know this but it's true). Now if you have NOT heard this song, pat yourself on the back. But what I want to know is why the group would change such a fitting title of their single? I suspect that retarded people complained that they didn't want to be associated with such talentless fucks, I mean, at least retards have the Special Olympics. BEP has what, some chick from the Mickey Mouse club shakin' her booty? Lord. If they ever invent time-travelling I promise to do everything I can to steal the contraption and travel back in time to kill off the Mickey Mouse club circa 1980's-90's. No more pop singers! Huzzah!
And I was going to link to Dong Resin as I think that cat is hilarious, but now that he's written a book he's pullin' some really un-funny shit with his links. I will never buy that book now. I may have in the past (he is pretty damn funny) but after this shit? Never.
And go show bol some love over at the b dot c even though he don't link to me anymore (not that I blame him either...). He apparently is getting sued.
I'm out. Until then...
*BAMF!*

2004-08-24T21:47:00.000-05:00

A Young Man's Hopes Crushed To The Earth Will Rise Again...

Yes, yes, I am back you muthafuckahs and you know you missed me. HOLLA! Aiight, California is awesome to visit but there is no way I will ever move there unless I fall in love with a stripper and she decides she wants to go to hell-A to become an actress (read: porn-star) at which point I will. But barring this craziness, I must confess that I am happy with the mighty A-Frame back home in Indianapolis. Boo-yah! Got myself a washer and dryer today and now my laundry room is also a sauna. How luxurious! And I got back to the crib and all the records were off the floor and on the brand-new shelves that my roommates constructed. So last night we decided to celebrate our set-up by buying and consuming a 30-pack of the High-Life and rappin' rappin' rappin'. We had a nice little session rhymin' about how fat girls make the world go 'round. Sample rhyme: "I love fat girls cuz they lack self-esteem/take 'em back to the pad get some head and then cream" and so on and so forth. They aren't good rhymes because well, by that point we were at least 6 beers in apiece, so really, it's kinda amazing that we could even form semi-coherent sentences, but fuck it....that shit was fun. So fun that me and my boy D. ended up stumbling around the house running into furniture and falling down before I passed out. Woke up and felt like holy-hell. Maaaan, I haven't had a hangover like that in a minute. It's a good thing I had the day off cuz I basically slept from like 4AM until 3PM feeling like shite. But it's all good cuz I got the herbals to make my noggin quit pounding out the bass line to some Lil' John song (I'd name it but they're all the same really). It finally quit and I made it to my Spanish Class to represent as usual. Then, I got bold after that and decided to call up this chica that I've formed a crush on. Now check this ya'll, I ain't really the type to be askin' mad hoes out on dates cuz I really don't meet too many women that I'm attracted to. But I got real attracted to this girl mainly because of her personality and all that shit 24-year-old-males aren't supposed to be interested in. So I call her up and confess that I feel like a 13 year old boy and I've got a big ol' crush on her and then I'm like: "y'know, maybe we could go out sometime?"
Let me pause here and reemphasize this: I don't ever do this shit. I have the love life of a monk.

Of course, she has a boyfriend.

Great. Great. Great. Great. Now she let me down gently, and for this I am thankful, but GODDAMMIT GODDAMMIT GODDAMMIT. I get all excited and then...
*POP!*
Reality returns and I realize that it's a monks life for me. Now, I'm not gonna stop trying to get myself a lady friend just because I got shut-down once. That's quite ricockulous. But, I have been thinking for a time that perhaps the lack of me having a lady-friend is a sign from the universe that I should be a monk. Ah, tragic chiseven! Come weep with me 'neath the willow tree trusty reader. Bah! I will say this: If I can't get some female affection in the next um, 2 years (whether I pay for it or not) then I am going to become a monk. I am serious. I'm gonna shave my head and become a very serious Bhuddist. Goddamn you women!!!! Well, I guess it's time to start prowling the bars and looking for cheap-thrills. Eccccch. Enough tragedy! Let's check the news:
Here's the story you were telling me about Joe.
I was that bear last night. Whooo!
Taibbi exposes the way the political process works in this country in the middle of this essay.
Wish I lived in New York so I could vo-waitaminnit, no I don't. Fuck New York. That's another city I wouldn't mind seeing slide off into the water if it wouldn't get rid of my favorite rappers. Ah, the inner conflict is tumultuous. I press on for you dear reader.
Spotted at HipHopSite : The 'Liks are calling it quits after their next album. Damn. I vow to try to fill that void on record. Thanks J-Ro, Tash and E-Swift. Captain Hook! Drink drink we drunk drunk drunk drink drink we drunk drunk drunk! Ha-haaaa!
On September 28th Talib Queli and De La Soul will be droppin' records. Do yourself a favor and ignore Talib Queli and his horrible album. That song "Lonely People" has to be one of the worst songs I have ever heard. Ecccchhhh.
But some new De La? PICK THAT SHIT UP! From what I've heard this album should be a banger.

Aiiight ya'll I'm goin to bed (oh yeah, got internet up in the crib now....boo-yahhhh!) and crying myelf to sleep. Tears of joy of course. Tears of joy ya'll.
See ya next time.
*BAMF!*

2004-08-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

If anyone cares...
The reason my links aren't working is because of bloggers new format.
For some reason it adds an extra http:// when I link.
I fixed the last posts links. The rest are for you to figure out.
Besides, I don't think anyone actually reads this anyway.
*BAMF!*

2004-08-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

I'm Goin' Back To Cali...

Hmm, I just realized that I had two posts in a row using old Ladies Love Cool James titles.
Good for me.
But as the title says, I'm going back to California to visit one of my boys who "made it." That is, he escaped from Indiana. Either way, I do plan this as a vactation from the monotony at work and at home, and a chance to get wasted, Hunter S. Thomspon style. Besides consuming copious amounts of alchohol and home-grown, I also plan on arm-wrestling the Governator and, God willing, breakdancing upon the grave of Ronald Reagan. Wish me luck in my endeavors. Either way, I'll try to make an update or two,. but Goddammmit, this is vacation. I do blogging at work. Now who's ready for some news?

Note: All stories from the Guardian (one of the few newspapers worth reading these days).
This ain't no joke suckas. Flee from the coast if you know what's good for you. Otherwise, goodbye you lizard-scum.
Now, back to United States Politricks:
Let's hope this happens. I got an Email from a friend today urging me to join moveon.org and get "that bastard out of office." And, while I understand and agree with the sentiment, I am not pinning all my hopes upon Kerry and Edwards. Sure, it will be "better" in some aspects ( Ashcroft gone, insane Republican influence waning, etc.) but c'mon, John Kerry is going to save this country? Please. I suggest we go to Eugene V. Debs grave and ressurect that Socialist. Then I'll be excited about a new President. Until then, I remain skeptical.
And why should I not? Matt Taibbi explains. (BTW, read anything you can by Taibbi. He's one of the only journalists I enjoy reading and often, enjoy agreeing with. Check out this exclusive interview with Osama)
Oh, and Bush has named the successor to Tenet. Here's our new head of the CIA:
Congressman (R) Peter Goss. Goss? Goss? Now why does that name sound familiar?
Oh yeah! Remember the four 9-11 widows that have been doing more investigation and asking better questions than anyone else concerning 9-11? I do. And I also remember this little nugget:
"The four moms—Kristen Breitweiser, Patty Casazza, Mindy Kleinberg and Lorie van Auken—use tactics more like those of a leaderless cell. They have learned how to deposit their assorted seven children with select grandmothers before dawn and rocket down the Garden State Parkway to Washington. They have become experts at changing out of pedal-pushers and into proper pantsuits while their S.U.V. is stopped in traffic, so they can hit the Capitol rotunda running. They have talked strategy with Senator John McCain and Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle. They once caught Congressman Porter Goss hiding behind his office door to avoid them. And they maintain an open line of communication with the White House."
(Italics mine)
So, we have some guy running the C.I.A. who is scared of talking to four widows from New Jersey about 9-11? Oh yeah, this will be a good choice for the nation. Thanks W!

So is it all that bad? Yes, yes it is. Especially when this happens. Goddammit. He better be playing oppossum.

And, yes, we all know Rick James died, but what about Mr. Ronald Isley and his minor stroke?
See, I heard all my white friends mention Rick James like they gave a fuck about him before the Chapelle Show skit, but NOT ONE mentioned Mr. Biggs. I mean, do these crackers know that he is the reason they all know the lyrics to "Today Was A Good Day" (what I mean is that, without that "Between the Sheets" sample, that song would be weeeeeeak)? Get well soon, my man.
And with that, I'm out. Time to study up on my Espanol. Hasta Luego!
*BAMF!*

2004-08-08T13:34:00.000-05:00

This Young Man Is Growing Up...

I apologize for the delay in updates, but as the title suggests, I have been busy with real-life shit, so I ain't got no time for the bloggin'. I've been makin' some moves lately and I really have not had the time to sit down behind the computer and compose, but hey, today is Sunday, so while God is resting I'll be working on some hot links. Belieeee dat.

Yo, if there's any new beat-makers out there (like myself) who are spending their days searching for the "Assembly Line" drums or those real funky open-drum breaks from your moms old 45's, then you need to peep this article. I spotted it at O-dub's spot, who spotted it at Crunkster. Or, if you are just interested in some (almost) forgotten hip-hop lore, read that article about Paul C. Dave Thompkins writing is amazing. Really.

"I'm dead bitch."
So I get to this party last night, get a cup of the beer and my boy Jon Mac is like "Rick James is dead." Gotdamn! Apparently his lifestyle came back to get him in the form of wearing out his funky heart. I hope it was quick. Rest in Peace Rick.

Yo, I got a plan to help out the homeless peeps in my city. Check out my plan:
First, go buy one of these videos from this magic site. Then, organize a time for a buncha homeless people to meet at the Wheeler Mission and start showing them magic tricks. Once they get these tricks down, then you send them back on the streets to amaze the average Hoosier with their card-tricks and levitation. If some homeless dude runs up on me askin' for change I'll usually give him some coins, but if some dude asked for spare change while levitating then he'd get some bills fo' sho. Then we would have a charming atmosphere downtown with the homeless street magicians impressing all the Japanese tourists that come here. And speaking of that, why do so many Japanese tourists come here to Indy? I don't get it but I love it. And I know they'd love homeless magicians. Plus, wouldn't it be awesome if after a while they terrorized the city with their playing cards? Like they learn how to throw these cards like Ricky Jay and then they start having card battles and piercing each other with playing cards. Damn that's hot!
Best idea I've had today, besides planning on going home and taking a nap.

And hey, speaking of naps, why don't you go take one while I get back to this Hunter S. Thompson book I'm reading. Get off the internet son, you're looking a bit pasty. Next time I'll be back with a more inspired (or insepid) post. Until then, keep your nose clean.
*BAMF!*

2004-07-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

BIGGER AND DEFFER
"so forget Oreo's eat Cool J Cookies I'm BAD."

Well, if anyone cares, the moving is almost completed and now I have two roommates for a uncertain number of months. Both gentlemen have nowhere to go for the time being (ie. no housing )so, as I am a motherfuckin gentleman, I am living out of my living room so these fools can have their own space. This is only made bearable by the fact that they are my fellow partners in this music thing we're trying to do. More beats and rhymes for the Eastside of Indianapolis. And since all the white folks are trying to move out of the area (by my estimation) I think that will be fine. Plus, me and my boy D. have combined our record collection into one powerful entity. It is a glorious thing to behold.

I shaved my large beard off and am now rockin a moustache-kinda -thing so now people have quit calling me Jesus and they are now calling me Frank Zappa. Works for me. Now I just gotta find someone to take my picture on the toilet. Damn. Actually, I do kinda look like him. Hmm. I should listen to "Hot Rats" when I get home.

Yo, in the time I've spent away from this little diary of mine, I have been quite busy, not only with moving, but also with painting sneakers. Well, two to be exact. A friend of a friend hooked me up with a pair of Air Force One's to paint for this traveling exhibit called Sneaker Pimps. Check the site out for an explanation. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Okay, maybe they'll put up some pictures of the event, but it was a good time. DJ TopSpeed was playin' some good breakbeats last night, and it sounded like the original records, so props to that man. Saw some b-boys breakin' as I was painting my sneaks. Made me wanna dance, but then I was like, wait, I'm white. We don't dance, we just exploit those who do. So I charged some people a few dollars to watch them and then spent it on beer. That's a lie because the beer was free. That money went towards the chronic fund. Some highlights of the evening:
*Met Rhymefest last night and talked to him about doing a pair of shoes for him. Hope he calls. I could use the money.
*Every person I met couldn't believe I was the dude that painted my shoe. That's what I get for lookin more like Frank Zappa than some b-boy. But, I did get alot of compliments and I spied more than a few people taking pictures of my work.
*Drank free Budwiser all evening. Crap beer but good for starting the artistic impulse. Got kinda intoxicated. Drove. Probably would've went to jail if I would've had to take a breathalyzer. But I was cool because I have learned the value of mastering my high from hip-hop. Thank you hip-hop!
Go see the show if it comes your way. Seeing the Nintendo Shoe in person is like a religious experience. And they'll give you a free t-shirt. Go. Now.

In Other News...
While Russell Simmons is promoting his new show "Russel Simmons Presents Hip Hop Justice" his wife is busy making sure that he'll have new material to work with. What a woman.

Head on over to funkdigital.com and peep the Michael Moore vs. Bill O'Reilly "debate" if you want. I could save you the time though. Nothing happens, no resolutions, no screaming, no shouting. Pretty boring, but I'll give Michael Moore props because it seems like the thing to do. Stay at METALFACE's site though...he's always got interesting stuff to read.

Now I don't know how I feel about this case, cause I can kinda sympathise with the "criminal". So this guy taped a dogs mouth shut on a hot day and the dog died as a result. Why? It was his brother's dog and he was barking incessantly. Now, I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and ASSUME that he didn't know how dogs cool themselves via the mouth. If he did know this, then fuck him, but if he didn't I don't think he should be charged with animal cruelty. The reason I say this is because I used to live between two neighbors who had barking dogs chained up in their backyard. I can sympathize with wanting to kill a dog because it barks so much and disturbs you. I say this because in my case, and I'm assuming this guy's case as well, the neighbors just had the dogs around and they never paid any attention to them except to feed them. Therefore, the dogs barked constantly for attention. Look, if you are going to have a dog, then don't chain that mu'fuckah up so he barks all the time. Get out and take that dog for a walk and let it get some exercise. If you can't do that then you don't deserve a pet. Too many mu'fuckahs treat dogs like televison: as a source of entertainment that can be enjoyed in small incriments. If you can't give a dog plenty of room to roam and give it affection and attention then you don't deserve one. Plus, the thing that gets me is that most of the mu'fuckahs that do this shit to dogs usually have kids. That's sad. But, that's the problem with procreation: Anyone can do it and they usually do.
Aiight ya'll thus concludes todays sermon. Now you can get back to searching the Internet for really important stuff, like pictures of Lindsey Lohan's nipple-slips. Is it wrong that I know what nipple-slips means? I spend too much time on the internet...at work.
Fuck spell-check...I keeps it gangsta.
*BAMF!*

2004-07-25T15:16:00.000-05:00

Something Happened...

It looks like Blogger changed the format while I was busy moving. This is akin to someone coming into your crib when you are gone and just changing a few things about your setup. Nothing major, but at the same time you notice a slight difference, neither good nor bad, just different. By the looks of it, perhaps I will be able to post pictures now. Don't hold your breath though, as I am verrry lazy today and do not think I will be exploring the intricacies of this feature.

So what's new? Well, in the last week I drank a 40 oz. of Colt 45 with my father while my younger brother drove us home via I-465. There's nothing more satisfying than swilling a 40 oz. with your father as you ask questions you normally wouldn't ask, unless you were drunk, as I was. Then, we split a 12 pack of the HIGH-LIFE and drank them in my driveway as my dad bummed a cigarette from my roommate. Ah, good times those. Sadly, I woke up the next day on the couch with my shoes on with no recollection of the last hours of the evening. Later on I was able to deduce that I was staggering about speaking gibberish (as I am known to do when highly-intoxicated) no doubt, induced by the half-smoked bowl I found near my turntable. Oh my. So remember, if you are ever chillin' with your aunt and uncle and they break out the red-wine, do not help drink 3 bottles of it with your dad, and then do NOT split a 40 oz. with him, and then a 12 pack, and then, whatever you do, don't smoke that bowl. You are faded already. Not to worry dear reader, I have saved you the effort of finding this out yourself. You are welcome.

Fucking Emo Kids.
Check out this quote from one of the authors:
Emo boys are known to favor soft, floppy vintage T-shirts, flip-flops and low-riding womens jeans that display a hint of pubic fuzz. "Its like longer hair and introverted and sensitive," said Ms. Graubard. "Being skinny without muscles is a big part of it."
What the fuuuuuck? Now, I have been incorrectly identified as a hippy many times in the past, due to the long hair and (now deceased) beard, but that's the only reason. I never ever ever wear tie-dyed clothing or smell like patchouli oil, or wear sandals, but I am generally aware that I look like someone you could approach and say "How much for a Thai stick?" That's okay. But I draw the line at being confused with one of these goddamn emo-kids. Now I don't wear those fucking jeans or sandles but I would say that the quote in that paragraph is aimed at someone who looks like myself. Fuck that noise Ms. Graubard. I see these emo-boy/man types all the time and not ONE of them has long hair. Never. You can spot an emo kid by the short haircut and the excessive amount of hair-gel that is soaked into the mop, which may or may not be highlighted by pink or some other color ( it depends if it will wash out before work on Monday). They do wear those jackets that are too small for them and they're usually decked out in black. Also, they travel in packs. Now they may be skinny with no muscles like yours truly, but they lack the tenacity that I posses. For example, if confronted, the Emo-boy/man will attempt to talk his way out of a situation, or even (shudder) apologize. I have witnessed this numerous times in bars. Very anti-climatic. However, if I am to be confronted then I place two extended fingers into my confronter's eye sockets and pull down very quickly as my hand brushes past the leg I have then extended into my confronter's crotch. No stinking hippie or Emo-kid would ever do that (the bouncers at bars, however, will). If someone calls me Emo next time I'm out then I'm going to grab their heart from their chest like that dude in "Temple of Doom". Really. I swear.

And one last note:
Fuck all this nonsense where people use words to empower themselves.
"I'm not handicapped,I'm disabled (or my favorite, "I'm special")."
"He's not retarded, he's just slow."
Wrong mu'fuckahs. If that withered claw you call a hand could open the door like everyone else you wouldn't need to glare at me as I press the blue-button that automatically opens the doors when I see you coming. Don't stare at me like I'm sympathetic to your plight. Don't be mad at me, be mad at God.

And with that, I will probably be in a horrible accident soon which will leave me deformed and lame, if karma holds true. If this happens I will post the pictures and I will use a Stephen Hawkings device to mock myself with the blog and I will include mp3's of my new metallic voice, which would, no doubt, sound exactly like my Old Speak N Spell as the batteries slowly die.
Until then...
*BAMF!*

2004-07-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

Oh man, I can't wait until tonight...

Found via the Guardian. Funny how you never read this sort of thing in the NYTimes. High Times might be interested though. Either way...I knew it. Now if I could just find some of that Morocco kif. Mmmmmm. Check out what this old lady had to say:
But their results backed up claims by the Observer columnist Sue Arnold, who suffers from retinitis pigmentosa and is officially registered blind. She noticed several years ago that drawing on strong Jamaican skunk suddenly and temporarily enabled her to see things clearly.

But Ms Arnold has since warned of side-effects that could impede night-time navigation.

"Only trouble was," she said, "I couldn't stand up."
I've said it before and I'll say it again:
Old People Can't Handle Their Bud.
I can still remember the first time I smoked a blunt with my Grandma...
Those were the days...
*BAMF!*

2004-07-15T15:10:00.000-05:00

Maaaaaaaaaan.....

So I wrote up this big long post yesterday with a bunch of links and uh, diagrams and uh, proof that Iraq has WMD's, and there was some other stuff too. BUT...it got lost. Blogger was put in some infinite loop of publishing and then, *poof* the post is gone. So, fuck it. I'll try and remember what I linked to. And you will like it and praise me. EDIT: Forget it. It's there now. That makes no damn sense. Enjoy though.
Head over to Bol's and peep the genius at work. Right now he's got a post about which Bush twin he'd bang. Now, I think they're both overrated (not much of a blonde fan-and yes, one isn't blonde but shit, that don't fool me)and really not attractive, but I will give you this: At least they are not Kerry's daughters. Ye gods. I was at the old crib last night, chillin' with my old roommate and those two horse-face havin' Kerrys popped up on the screen. We both shrieked like little girls. Oh lord. The older Kerry is just downright frightening.*shudder*What is it with these Democrats havin' ugly kids? Remember Chelsea Clinton? I've been trying.

Good news Joe! I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Really, if anyone would be suspected as a homosexual it would probably be me, at least, due to the lack of ladies in my life. Which reminds me of the time my mom was like "it's okay if you're gay" and I was like "whaaaaaaaat?" I'm not really sure why she thought that but I proved her wrong when I went outside and felt up the 16 year old neighbor. When I got out of jail she apologized. Betta rec'nize. But hey, I say that if gay people want to marry then they should. In fact, I think they should raise a bunch of kids too, because those kids would be really snappy dressers and they'd be funny as a motherfucker. So, fuck it, mo' homos.

Spotted at Blah3 via Josh Marshall, comes the news that the same lawyer representing Ken Lay is also representing Bush in the Plame case. Link at the Josh Marshall site. But, of course, this is a strange coincidince. Y'know, I always wondered what people were thinking when Nixon was President, but I don't ever have to wonder with this crooked bunch in power. George is my generations Nixon. I can't wait until (20 years from now)all the documents get dumped which prove Bush et. al as crooked. It will happen.

And I can't say I'm really hyped about Kerry (which Skull&Bones candidate will you choose?)but I do like this. Polite and to the point. Bravo.

I noticed over at hiphopsite.com that those involved with Ego Trip (the best damn magaizine ever)are celebrating their 10th anniversary. Head over to www.eyejammie.com if you live in NYC to peep some shite. Or if your like me, and not in NYC you can just hope they'll reprint the entire run someday. I once read an interview where Count Chocula was interviewing Fat Joe and it was the shit! Funniest interview ever. God I hope I can read that again before I die...Oh, and they(hiphopsite)also said Slick Rick is working on a new album that is aimed at a "mature" audience. Remember "Adults Only" from his last album ("ain't no need to be subtle, when I want the butthole")? This shit is gonna be great.

On that note, I'm out. Still moving boxes around the crib and consuming as much "High Life" as I can each evening. Now I need to find some herbal essence. Then, it's all good. Ya'll behave yourselves now.
*BAMF!*

2004-07-14T15:16:00.000-05:00

Memories Don't Leave Like People Do...

Sorry about that. I was just thinking of that "Travelin' Man" song with Dj Honda and Mos Def, and I was thinking about how that could be a theme for me lately. But that's on some personal shit, and I have found that no one cares about my personal issues. And hey, I can't blame them. Everybody's got problems (but a bitch ain't one...okay, couldn't resist...sorry). Hit me! *DAHHHHHNNNN* (that's what that 99 Problems song sounds like to me when put into words. word.). And hey, speaking of problems, looks like a bunch of people that fly, with the exception of my moms who rules, are a bunch of scared little bitches. I swear...if someone next to me was writing the sentence "I know this is kind of a bomb" and I was snooping on them like a little bitch, I would ask them what that's all about. Not tell some flight-attendant. Shit, if I'm next to a terrorist, then that's cool, cuz I'll be the first to die and it probably won't be painful. Probably just a bright flash and then, I dunno, whatever happens when we die. No big deal. But, I would certainly handle it like a man, like, "oh, is the NYTimes now an incendiary device of some sort or what? I'd suggest that it's more of a rag, or a piece of trash, but your depiction is somewhat accurate these days...let's discuss it." I certainly wouldn't get somebody hassled by punk-ass cops with smart remarks.

And as an aside, let me maneuver my way into an editorial comment about cops: Just because you were lucky enough to pass your civil-servant test and make it through an academy with a bunch of other moustaches doesn't mean that you have a license to insult people when they answer your questions. Like check this, last time I was pulled over for exceeding the speed limit in a school-zone (that's right, fuck those kids, they can run outta my way, they're young):
Officer Moustache: "So why were you speeding through a posted school-zone?"
Chiseven: "I wasn't thinking right, I thought the speed limit was 40mph and-"
OM: "40mph?!? What kind of a school-zone is 40 mph?!?"
Chi7: "None, I got nervous with you directly behind me and didn't notice the school-zone sign. I was just focused on keeping the car under 40 so you wouldn't pull me over and-"
OM: "Well that didn't work did it?"
And that's about it. He let me go with a warning cuz I've never had a ticket (yep.true.)but he did make a snide comment every chance he could. Why? The same reason every other fucko decides to be a cop: It's a power trip. Now I know there are good cops out there ('cause I know a few actually)but I'm gonna say that the majority of cops that I have encountered are douche-bags with an inferiority complex that they attempt to remedy with macho-postures and insulting and condescending attitudes towards the citizens. If you don't agree, fuck off...I didn't ask you.

Ever wondered what it would be like to be a hostess at some restaurant in NYC where a bunch of celebrities go? Me neither, but here's an article that is pretty interesting anyway, mainly for the visual image of Star Jones getting flipped over by her fiance in a mock-sex public act. Oh the horror. Oh yeah, fuck New York. I said it.

Good news for you Joe!Ha haaaaa! Just playin'. I just gotta rip on someone and since yer the only reader...well, sorry. Otherwise, why the hell would we need an amendment banning gay marriage? Marriage ain't sacred. It's a concept. That's all. There's nothing to it, besides an agreement between two people. What are people scared of, gay parents raising children? What's the big deal? Those kids will be fashionable and hilarious, which is more than I can say about most of the kids I know who were raised by hetero-parents. And, just to piss O-Dub off, no homo!

Didn't get that last reference? See his post from Thursday, June 03, 2004
(found here). I sometimes check out O-Dub just 'cause he includes some good links from his website, but as far as his opinions on life and music go, I usually disagree with him, well, most of the time. He did say that the Beastie Boys latest album was not 5-star worthy as Rolling Stone suggested ( and I'd agree there)but often, I think his criticism is mainly, a waste of effort. Is it because he's Asian and I'm a white, ignorant Hoosier (whatever that means)? Hell no, I think that music criticism is akin to being a cheerleader in high-school. It's pointless. Someone once said that "A critic is like someone who steps on the battlefield to shoot the wounded" to which, I would agree. Criticism to me, is like commenting on someone burping. Sure, you can do it, but who cares? Who cares what you think about the burp or the latest MF DOOM album? It's all an opinion. Ehhh, who am I fooling? I'm just mad because no-one pays me to write my opinion on music or anything else.
BUT...
I can't resist this little White People Liking Hip Hop Debate over at O-dub's and the Quarterwit. My two cents:
Who cares what Mos Def says about white people and hip hop? Did anybody see the character he played in "The Italian Job"? Didn't really seem to mesh with the Mos Def I knew on the Black Star CD. In fact, it seemed kinda strange for this "revolutionary" cat to be playing second-fiddle to white-naw fuck that, playing second fiddle to MARKEY FUCKING MARK. But see, I figured it out. Mos may be principled as far as his concerns for black-culture, but money does talk. I mean, if Mos was gettin' all righteous as I once thought he was, he wouldn't take that role. But, Mos ain't no fool. He lives in a capitalist society just like I do. If you don't have money you starve. So, convictions or not, if Mos gets a chance to make a big pile of money to portray a typical Hollywood interpretation of a black man then he's gonna do it. No big deal. Also, when he talks about those white-kids who bought their first Wu-tang record to pretend that they are Wu-tang, I don't take offense. Sure, there are some dumbass-white-kids that listen to hip-hop and don't come correct, but he ain't talking about me...and hell, even if he was, it's no big deal. I'm a white 24 year-old male who listens to hip-hop. Looking at me, you'd think I was more into Metallica, but hey, that doesn't matter either. If it gets right down to it, I think the main reason I'm into hip-hop is found in one of these three reasons:
A)I like all kinds of music. Hip hop (through the use of sampling) is the culmination of all musical efforts since the beginning. This artform has unlimited potential, and can reference any culture and any time period.
B)I'm an English major. I like words and what people do with them.
C)I'm a skinny white kid who probably get's a charge from the distinct macho-male psychology inherent in hip hop. It's mainly men making this music, and generally, the music is braggadocious and asserting aggressive impulses. I could explain further, but O-Dub's writing a thesis, not me. So basically, even though this long post obviously proves me wrong, I don't give a fuck about what anyone says about white-people listening to hip-hop. They may be right, but I ain't gonna feel guilty for liking some art. I will feel guilty for wanting to be Ghostface Killah though. That dude has a huge-gold eagle-piece! I don't even like gold, but I'd love to just show up at work with a huge golden eagle and then smack some fools over the head with it. No one has ever clowned me for it cuz I'm no chump. Only chumps get clowned. With that said, let's bring the ruckus. Comments can be sent to chiseven@gmail.com or ya'll can talk shit on your own blogs.
I'm out, no homo (ha).
*BAMF!*

2004-07-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

A Few Quick Notes...

I'm back for a minute right now, taking a break from moving and working to post up some more bullshit. My new crib is gettin' squared away nicely...I spent a few hours last night trying to organize my record collection (which by this point, is outta control)and I rewarded myself with a 40 0z. of Mickeys. Why? That's 40 ounces of booze for three bucks, which means that my 130 lb. body get's faaaaaaded. Tried making a beat after I finished off my stash and guzzled the 40 but beat-makin' requires a coordination of sorts that I don't have when I'm drunk. Had to pass out early so I caould be at work early today. On a side note, I think my job is going to turn me into one of those mu'fuckahs that has a nightcap before the nightly repose. My job never has me coming in on a consistent basis, so my sleeping patterns get fucked up, and I'm an insomniac anyway, so the alchohol helps quiet the voices when I need to get to bed. I feel sorry for my liver though.

Of course, I feel more sorry for John Edwards though. As Bol points out, that bitch is ugly and fat. He has sex with her. Ugggggh. Of course, John Kerry's wife is no better, but at least she's rich and not fat. Of course, Laura Bush ain't much better, but at least she's a librarian. Why does that matter? Man, librarians are freaky dude. You ever wonder why "The Joy of Sex" and "Getting More Pleasure From Your Anus" are never checked-in at your local library? It's cuz those librarians are takin' it home and putting in work. I swear.

TOMMY CHONG CAN NOW SMOKE WEED AGAIN.
It really is a shame that he had to spend some time in the slammer, but why the fuck would you want to go on Leno to talk about it? What, is Leno just gonna make stupid cliched jokes about it or something? I could see it now:

Jay Leno: "Hey everybody, big news...Tommy Chong was released from jail on Thursday(scattered cheering)...yeah, as a result, his local 7-11 had to shut down because they couldn't keep all his munchies in stock. Ha-Ha-Ha, get it? See, smoking pot amkes you hungry and-oh god, what am I doing? I'm such a shill. Bill Hicks was right about me. I'll end it right now." (Jay reaches behind his desk and retrives an Uzi, which he places in his mouth...see Bill Hick's "Rant in E Minor" for what happens next). Chiseven: (stands up an applaudes): "Bravo Jay. You finally did the right thing."

Oh yeah, as I was driving back to the crib after buying a 40 I saw a hooker on the street close to th crib. She was staring at the ride hard son. She couldn't have been more than 20...and the sad thing is, I actually thought about picking her up. Isn't that crazy? Damn I need to get laid. But not pay for it directly. I'll pay for the sex with dinners and movies and shit...you know, the LEGAL way. Hookers near the crib? Oh the parties I could throw...

So Tom Ridge says that terrorists may disrupt our elections? Is a terrorist really just a crooked-politician that would allow something like that to happen and then use it as a political-tool to remain in power? I tend to think that this was the case as far as September 11th was concerned. But, if you were at the docks last night then you heard my rant. Anyway, as far as speculating the motives of our corrupt administration is concerned, you should check this article out, and then check this one out. Personally, I think that even if George Bush captured Satan himself it wouldn't make a difference because that fucker is on his way out.

Our representatives are still spineless wankers. As if you didn't know anyway.
Oh, and what was George's response to a reporter's question concerning the indictment of Ken Lay? This.
Oh, and about his service records that would prove he didn't skip out of his National Guard duty?
Those have been destroyed. Convenient huh?

And finally, my favorite reporter, Helen Thomas, tells my local newspaper what's really going on. Maybe now these knucklehead fucks will quit writing ridiculous OP-Ed pieces about how Bush has made mistakes but is still a good president. Ah, fuck it...I'll just burn that motherfucker down. I gotta get back to work. See you next time when i get a break from moving.

*BAMF!*

2004-07-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

Just a Quick Entry Before I Go...

I'll be spending the next few days packing all of my worldly possesions into cardboard boxes and travelling down Interstate 70 towards the new crib, so I wanted to leave ya'll with a few links and thoughts before all my time gets accounted for. Speaking of this house, I think I may have ruined a marriage and lost my best-friend by moving to said house. Not bad for a weeks-work huh? I jest, as my moving into this house has only made the three individuals that I refer to realize that they've been messing up and they need to start paying for the mistakes they have made. I realize this probably won't make much sense to those reading this post who don't know me and my personal life, but if you somehow made it here without knowing me, then I would suggest you persuse my archives and get to know me a little better. Either way, I'm moving, much to the dismay of those three individuals. Now, I'll be in a real house and not just some goddamn apartment or townhouse or whatever. I gotta buy a refridgerator tommorrow too. So besides packing, if I have some free time I will be attempting to learn how to throw playing cards like Ricky Jay, master illusionist. Spend some time at that website or check out the June issue of the Smithsonian to peep a short article on him. Amazing stuff, really.

I spend way too much time over at Byron Crawford's page cuz that dude is a funny motherfuckah. One of the best parts about his website is the comments that people leave, after googling something like "J-Kwon Kanye West Fan Club baby momma" and then finding his website and his scathing wit on the previously mentioned rappers. Peep this comment:
" HOLLA J-KWON THIS BE YA GIRL SHANAH A.K.A BABYSHA HITTIN YOU UP SHOWIN YOU SOME LOVE FROM THAT 201 AREA CODE I THINK YOU ARE SO CUTE TO BE ONLY 17 WELL I'M 18, 5'3, BROWNSKIN, BROWNEYES, BLACKHAIR, THICK IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES I HAVE BIG TITS AND A BIG ASS SO IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR HOLLA AT ME MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS SHABOO4U@AOL.COM HOLLA 1 "...and oh god, there's more...link. What cracks me up is that people actually defend these wack rappers like Bol even gives a fuck. The best one was that chick above posting up a personal message to J-Kwon, like that dude is gonna google his own name and be like: "Oho! I like fat asses and big titties, and even though I am not 17, I think I will take this young ladies offer and proceed to pour the contents of my pimp-goblet into her weave and then get my freak on." Yeah, if that mu'fuckah was that articulate anyway. Watch out girl, don't you know that the "teen president" beats his babys-momma anyway? Why would you be any different? Thank god, I have no comments section. If you don't agree with me then you can eat a dick. Word to Slick Rick on that one.

Yo, check out Lil' Jon before he was screamin "OKAYYYYYYYY!" Whoa huh? But y'know what? I kinda like Lil Jon cuz he seems to be a really smart individual who knows that you gotta act a fool to get noticed these days (are you paying attention Common?). I mean, the dude is a college graduate and all that (and seems to be quite articulate)and yet, by his appearances you'd think he was an idiot. Therefore, he is brilliant. Oh, and then there's this:
"That ain't no fuckin' poetry, that's a run-on sentence"
-Lil Jon, yelling, after reading a poem from Jewel's book "A Night Without Armor" (spotted at this place). HA HAAAAAAAA! Take that Jewel, ya big-tittie, snaggletooth, havin' Alaskan you. Boo-ya.
Aiiight, that's it. I'm out.
Fuck a spellcheck. I keeps it gangsta. RRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*BAMF!*

2004-07-01T16:31:00.000-05:00

Bust a nut inside your eye to show you where I come from...

Do the two readers of this blog know about Get Your War On? I mean, there are others to look at once you get to the site, but since these are pretty recent I figured that would be a good place to start. Dude writes the stuff iwish I could. It's like a big ball of funny rage. Check it out.

I always knew there was something creepy about judges...(link via thesmokinggun.com).

And I thought I was having a shitty week until I saw this which made me feel really great for not being a conservative fuck who publically tells everyone how to live their life, while practicing the exact opposite in their private life. It makes me so happy that I want to drink some King Cobra. And hell no, that ain't me. I'm way more handsome. Ask your mother.

JESUS CHRIST! I'M STUCK AT WORK AND IT FUCKING SUCKS!
yo, everyone left for the weekend and I get paid by the hour so I gotta hang out at the computer for like 3 hours until my time is up...ah, fuck it, I'm leavin' 10 minutes early. Come and catch me HR. I'll knock a mu'fuckah out. Jeeeeah.
See ya'll next time, with much more content and not this inane rambling shit.
*BAMF!*

2004-06-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

More News Of The Scum

I started my day off right by once again failing to commit to a non-smoking regiment. Christ I need to buy some coffee so I can have some kinda buzz in the mornings, otherwise it's time to start doin' speed like those truckers. Maybe I'll splurge and get some of the good coffee for once. No more ALDI's coffee for me!

Of course, I didn't even need any coffee when I saw this article (via atrios). George ain't going nowhere ya'll. He wasn't elected the last time, so why should this time be any different? I'm taking some time off near November and camping out with those people I know with Ak-47's in case the shit starts poppin'. These are jokes right now, but if there is another terrorist attack...I'm pullin out the "Guerilla Warfare" CIA manuals I bought a few years back.
Watch me make a candy-bar into a booby-trap. BLOOKUM!

Kanye West is still making Jesus cry somewhere with that obscene Jesus piece he's reppin'to the 3rd version of a video for his "Jesus Walks" song where him and Jesus walk around and heal cripples and shit (seriously). I gotta hope that Jesus also ganks that Jesus piece and uses it to brain Kanye with it, saving me the effort.

Oh and speaking of freaks-for-Jesus, here's the link to Jack T. Chick's website. If you have never seen any Chick tracts then I feel sorry for you, because every time I see one I snag it and add it to my collection. These little tract/comic-books are so horrible and insane that they are almost beautiful. Just go over there and be amazed at the kind of shit that this dude writes about. Fanatical Christians are always funny except when they are the figurehead for your nation. Then that shit is scary.

Head on over to Greg Palast (my favorite investigative reporter)to read some more depressing shite that is no doubt, true. Plus in his weblog he prints an Email he got from Noam Chomsky. If only I could get a note from Noam. Maybe someday:
Chiseven: Nice post on your proposal concerning AIDS-victims being allowed to legally skull-fuck Nancy Reagan. Still, your post could have more about indoctrination. Noam. Boy, that would rule. Espescially since I just used the words "skull-fucking" and Nancy Reagan in the same sentence. Nasty!

Taibbi. Need I say more? I think not.

Kristof has an opinion piece in today's NYtimes. Read it if you want, but I'll save you the effort: "Bush didn't lie...he just misrepresented the truth." Uh-huh. Look Jackoff, all politicians lie-that's what politicians do. Of course that mu'fuckah lied! It's like KRS-ONE said: "Every president that we've ever had lied, y'know I'm kinda glad Nixon died." AWWW-YEAH! I apologize for the lame content of this post. Slow day.

And finally...

I'm over what I wrote about. I changed this post as a result.
I'm out.
*BAMF!*

2004-06-28T21:14:00.000-05:00

SHOCKING!

So the U.S. handed over authority to the Iraqis? Yeah right. If you really look at what took place, it don't mean shit. They said they did it early to avoid militant atacks on the day of the O.G. handover. Uh-huh. It has nothing to do with Farenheit 911 opening this weekend either (now, I seriously don't think a movie could change the timetable, but as a junior conspiracy theorist-in-training, it is my duty to point out these things). Eh, whatever, it's all an illusion. Our government is run by insane fanatical capitalist fascist fucks. I bet these dudes jack off into the American flag while rubbing $100 dollar bills underneath their noses. Whoa! Where'd that come from?

I spotted this over at cursor.org. Senator Joseph Biden had this interesting tidbit: "I was in the Oval Office the other day, and the president asked me what I would do about resignations. I said, "Look, Mr. President, would I keep Rumsfeld? Absolutely not." And I turned to Vice President Cheney, who was there, and I said, "Mr. Vice President, I wouldn't keep you if it weren't constitutionally required." I turned back to the president and said, "Mr. President, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are bright guys, really patriotic, but they've been dead wrong on every major piece of advice they've given you. That's why I'd get rid of them, Mr. President -- not just Abu Ghraib." They said nothing. Just sat like big old bullfrogs on a log and looked at me." Ha haaaa! Of course, as soon as Biden left, Cheney choked W. with his delicate hands screaming "how dare you let him speak to me that way! This is my show you little bitch!" then his pacemaker fluttered and Cheney lost his train of thought and he returned to his secret bunker to swim in his gold-coins like Uncle Scrooge. That dude always looks pissed. What a chode.

Well, apparently that business over at Byron Crawford's site has been resolved. I guess the dudes little brother used his older brothers Email account to spew ignorance. Don't be sendin any mail to him, as his only mistake is being related to a knuckle-head fuck. otherwise, bol is killin' it as usual. Stop by and show him some love.

Went shoppin' for some records today at these two Goodwill's on the South Side of town. The first one wasn't too bad because I brought my portable record-player and I sat down for like 2 hours listenin' to a pile of records. But, I swear, at least 3 people came up to me when I was listenin like "how much do they want for that record player?" I had to explain to them that it was mine and it wasn't for sale, and even if it was, wouldn't the fact that I'm sittin here listening to records probably mean that I would want it? None of them really understood this point either. I got some blank stares and even had some dude askin me how much his old Elton John records were worth. What am I, a record price book? Sheeeit. Plus, mu'fuckahs see me sportin' some headphones and there all askin' me questions. I don't want to talk goddammit, I'm listenin' to music you silly fucks. Oh well, one dude that worked there was like "oh shit, I've never seen anyone do that! that's prety samrt." yep. Betta rec'nize. Got about 15 records and Krush Groove soundtrack which is ehhhh, but I got that Chic record with the "Good Times" sample used in "Rappers Delight" which is just nice to have. the other Goodwill i went to sucked. Shitty shitty shitty Christmas and Christian records. then some dude see's me diggin through a stack of wax and he's like "What are you looking for?" I'm like, "uhhhh, records man" as I flip through a stack. Then he's like 'whoa! slow down!" cause I'm flippin through pretty fast. He's like "oh! The Village People! Didn't they do YMCA?" And damn my slow wit, I should've said "I have no idea man, I'm not gay, unlike you with your hard-on for the Village people." Then he asks me if some dude on the cover is Glen something and I tell him I have no idea what he's talkin about. He finally went away, but not before commenting on my portable record-player: "What, are you trying to impress people with that?" Yeah dude, I walk into every Goodwill I can with Vestax in hand with the sincere desire to impress weird overly-friendly homosexuals. So then, I'm walking out and the lady at the counter is all asking me if I brought the record player in 'cause she thought I was stealin it. I showed it to her and explained what it was but she was still givin' me the crook-eye so i was like "call the cops if you want, this is mine, and I'm leaving now." That bitch didn't do shit. Looked at me dumbly. If I was stealing from Goodwill wouldn't that be doing them a favor anyway? That bitch gets the gas-face.

Worked my ass off this last week, so that's why there haven't been any posts. My work had a big event which is an all-weekend thing that involves me movin' tables and stackin' chairs and shit. Oh, and ridin' around on golf-carts. A few dudes I know tweaked their golf-carts to get more speed, so I'd catch a ride with them anytime I could. the best part was the after-party where me and the co-workers get down and drink alchohol and talk shit about people who aren't there. Ain't nothing better than seein' yer co-workers slammin Tequilla and Coronas while letting you know how they REALLY feel about you. Got told I was cute by some married lady and some other chick was talkin about my ass. That's weird, cuz I'm like george carlin, I have no ass. It's this flat ledge that just sorta hangs off my back. Anyway, I did get to hear some spicy gossip and know I know who hates who and who was showin their titties off a few years ago at a different after-work party. Scandalous! of course, next time I see all these people we'll act like nothing ever happened. Ah, the magic of alchohol.

Oh shit, and I didn't even mention the fact that I saw some titties earlier this week when some chick I know was wearin no bra and bendin over in front of me. Damn right I'm gonna look. And she was none the wiser. Ha-haaaa! That will do for now. In the future I hope to see those again but not with some lucky glance or anything. Yes-yes. Chiseven's got a plan to stick it to a dram. I used the Moka-Only slanguage there, referring to a woman as a dram-no doubt referring to the inherent drama of women. And I refrenced "SuperFly" too. Goddamn, I'm the shit.

Oh, and I just remember that I got that sticky smellin up my bookbag. Which makes me wonder, "What the fuck am I doing sitting here sober?" Time to remedy that situation. Man, I can't wait for my brother to get back from Peru so we can smoke. That's it for now ya'll. Enjoy.

2004-06-22T23:23:00.000-05:00

Once Again Back is the Incredible

First off, if any of you ever read Thomas Friedman, then I'm sorry for you, but if you read Taibbi, then there's no need. As usual, great stuff from Taibbi.

Is anyone else not surprised when another Bush appointee turns out to be scum. It's about time Ashcroft gets some critical attention. Let's hope he gets caught in his lie, so he can go to jail like Tommy Chong, only this time they'll be putting a real crook behind bars.

The President wants you to understand that he has huge balls. The President claims the right to waive anti-torture laws and treaties covering prisoners of war concerning the "War on Terror." Who's this muthafuckah think he is? Please, please, please, if there is a God, please convict George Bush of War Crimes. The only un-elected president indicted for War Crimes. Has a great ring to it! How could these knucklehead fucks around me defend that?

Or, maybe, not many can deny that Bush sucks. It begins...

I knew it! I knew T-Boz and her sickle-cell-anemia-havin' self couldn't hang with Wack-10 too long! And he beat her! Westside's new album must not have sold much, so he figured he'd take it outta T-Boz's ass. Check this:

In court documents, she said, “My husband informed me that he would smash my teeth down my throat. I asked my husband to give my daughter back to me and I reached for her, and my husband pushed me to the ground twice.” Damn! Hoo-Ridin' indeed.

Coming to a cut-out bin near you. OKAYYYYYYY?!? Lil' Jon and Paris Hilton finally acknowledge all the pleading letters for them to collaborate. I mean, what the fuck does paris Hilton possibly have to say? Do we really not understand the plight of a rich girl, famous for nothing except her night-camera action? She get's deep ya'll. Lil' jon better be tappin' that and then makin' money off the video. Word.

Those dudes over at hiphopsite say that People Under the Stairs got a new album coming out in September, called "Stepfather." I can't confirm this, but if it's true then September is gonna be tha shit. I was bumpin' "...Or Stay Tuned" today as I was drawing this comic-strip. Speaking of that comic-strip, I should probably get back to inkin' it, but I gotta give ya'll some love.

Finally, Bol over at byroncrawford.com has posted the comments from some douche who sounds like he's in the KKK. Peep it here. You gotta Email this Brad Benites some articulate criticism at bwpokertables@hotmail.com Tell that dude he's a chode, but do it proper. I'm gonna think about my response and then post it up, cuz, Iwant that can of High-Life dammit. mmmm. Had four of those last night. Could go for a few right now. Oh well, guess I'll settle for the Herbal Essence.
Until then, I'll be waiting for the Bol update. check the teaser:
LATER THIS WEEK:

We use the power of the Internet to track down this asshole (no homo) and expose him for the Nazi Youth that he is to his friends, family, coworkers and anybody else who might be interested. Beeyotch!

I can't wait.
*BAMF!*

2004-06-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

Now I can Sleep Again...

Just a quick note...found out that I've been lusting after someone who is taken. Kinda sucks, but at least I know now so I can have some closure to this little episode in my life. I've been sleeping terribly because of this, but I found out today, so it's all good. Ahhhhhh. I should've known...the good ones are always taken. Ah well, maybe now I can get back on track and be back to my usual self. *sigh* I hope ya'll are doing well cuz I'm kinda bummed these days...I seem to be drifting away from my friends and I'm spending more time alone than I used to...and that's not good. I guess it's all training for when I live alone and put up clippings from newspapers on the wall and try to construct complex patterns and flow charts to prove that the Masons have been controlling my mind with fluoride or something. All humor aside, you guys should give me a call (I don't have a phone card)cuz I need to talk to my boys. Much love and respect fellas...I'm gonna go write a sad song on guitar.
(chiseven slowly walks away...)

2004-06-18T12:26:00.000-05:00

Words From the Mayor

Aiiight, let's get this entry poppin with a fresh link. Now, before I go any further, let me just state that it has been a sincere desire of mine to somehow fashion my hair into the basic shape of a helicopter. After countless hours of convincing various ladies I know to try and come up with the blueprints to make this dream of mine come true, I still was no further in my quest. Today, my friends, this quest comes to an end (spotted at boingboing.net). Now, as soon as I get home I'm gonna start the process and BAM! I'll be halfway to California before the night falls. I knew I was growing my hair long for a reason.

There's a new issue of the Onion online! Here's a sample News In Brief:

Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player
BOSTON—Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!" Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.

You're prayers have been answered Joe. I know I'll be watching, bible in hand.

Cheney is upset that the truth is finally seeing a bit of light. Listen to this:

"The press, with all due respect, (is) often times lazy, often times simply reports what somebody else in the press said without doing their homework." Uh, yeah, that is true to an extent, but I would think it's more of an editorial decision (or the owners of the press)to decide what the public hears(reads) about. But it sounds like Ol' Cheney is mad that the press isn't actually giving him a pass on his obvious lies (why? It's too hard to ignore now.). Awww, c'mon Dick, take that bald dome back to your secret bunker and have yer wife polish that chrome dome as she soothes you with the Iraq-Al Queda connection sound-bites. What a dick.

Head on over to o-dub's SOUL SIDES to hear the greatest remix of all time: Pete Rock's remix of PE's "Shut 'Em Down". Hands down, the best remix ever. Don't sleep you sissies. If yer at work and you have speakers crank those bitches up so that the people around you can enjoy Chuck D's booming voice. Act quick though, these songs are only up for about 10 days at a time. You could download them though and save them mugs. Oh, if anyone has a chance, look up Ghostface Killahs "the Sun" which was supposed to be on Bulletproof Wallets but didn't make it because of clearance issues. This song has Slick Rick, Raekwon and Ghost rapping about how ill the sun is. Best line:
"The Sun could never be pussy, he always comes out..." Classic.
And with that, I'm out.
Next time, (maybe)stories of my youth. Go outside and get some air kids.
*BAMF!*

2004-06-17T12:39:00.000-05:00

News of the Scum

Donald Rumsfeld is a war criminal without a doubt. Can we just finally wash our hands of this corrupt administration and put them all in jail? They've led priveledged lives up until this point. Now, they should all rot in Guantanemo Bay where dogs bite at them and kids half their age punch them in the genitals and mock their religion. After Kerry wins he should bring formal criminal charges against most of the people in that administration. It won't happen, but I can dream huh? And fuck it, if I'm dreaming I also want to see this:
Can I please just see Jesus come back and bitch slap George Bush. If he would come back to do this I will ask to be saved and be the most Christ-like mu'fuckah in the world. So come on, Jesus, if yer coming back, now's the time, when your pimp hand is strong.

You will be satisfied with the crumbs I give you for lunch and you will be thankful. The further adventures of Bush and the Press Corps(e). I agree with Byron Crawford (as usual) and hope that mu'fuckah gets Alzheimers and has to sit in his own waste until his sponge-textured brain quits firing. RRRRRAH!

If we're on the lines of bashing politicians with humor, check out this article from the UK Guardian on Ted Rall (again).

Tony Millionaire is another excellent cartoonist. If you care about that sort of thing.

So the Beastie Men have a new album out. I kinda want it to be good, but after Hello Nasty, I ain't holding my breath. Might be time to ch-ch-ch-check out of hip-hop fellas. You don't want to go out with a "Crown Royal" like RUN-DMC did a few years back. Expect more rhymes like: "badda-badda-badda-badda-badda-badda-BA-Dabba" with every last syllable shouted. How "old-skool"!

Well, Spanish Class starts tonight, so I gotta learn how to speak to the latin ladies so they can figure out that I'm just some other boring American fuck who thinks he's cool cuz he has a passing knowledge of Espanol. Can't wait. Yo, my back is killin' me so I'm gonna go home smoke a fag and crash for a few before class. BOO-YA!
*BAMF!*

2004-06-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

ALL IN TOGETHER NOW

I'm back ya'll. Sorry for the delay but I've been busy gnawing on the wood on my doorframe to release some of the inner-sexual tension I've been experiencing. Masteurbation just takes too long. I tells ya, what the youth of this day and age need is a good doorframe to gnaw on in their teenage years. Sex isn't even a question when the youth have horrible grinded down teeth, snaggletooths and all. Somebody tell China about this idea.

I walked into the living room recently to find the premier episode of The Red and Meff Show on FOX playing. I'd heard about this, and I have seen "How High" so really there was no need, but I felt like I'd give them a chance.

Those mu'fukahs don't even deserve a break. Until I saw the episode I thought I had seen the worst that a sitcom could offer me, but tonight? Whoa. This show is so unfunny that it is retarded. So therefore, when you watch it, it's like watching that slow kid back in grade-school spastically trying to eat the fruit-cup with his fingers. It's so sad that it is somehow funny. I don't mean to say that Red and Meff could ever be as funny as a retarded kid, because the retarded kid isn't trying to be funny. These two are trying to be funny and they come off retarded. It's like they pitched the idea to the network and then we're like "okay, let's get some white writers in here to make poignant comments about the culture clash that results when two black guys and a mom move into the suburbs with a bunch of white people....nahhhhhhhhhh. We'll write it ourselves!" (The two spark a blunt and smile). ARGGGH! Here's the scoop: Red and Meff and Meff's mom move to a ritzy suburban white neighborhood. Red and Meff have a party and the home-association kicks them out of the neighborhood. So in order to win back favor of whitey they offer white people fruitcake (and every white person is scared of them) and then befriend the neighbor-son and teach him life-lessons and then I turned the TV off. My roomates didn't like that, but they will later understand it's for their own good. Oh yeah, Red and Meff have a TV in every drawer in the kitchen and in the fridge and they got models and bling and a hot-tub and uh, Meff's mom works at a toll-booth. Oh yeah, and Redman is dumb and Meff's mom don't like him. Damn. I feel sorry for any motherfuckah that thinks this shit is good. Brain-dead mu'fuckahs. I predict it will last 3 more episodes. Let's hope so.

In other news: Our Government Still Doesn't Know Shit.

But, there's some new name as the mastermind and it's not Usama Bin Laden. Boy that's weird. I can remember saying that there was a possibility that UBL didn't mastermind the attacks about 2 years ago and everyone was like "oh no,no,no,no...we know he did it." And then getting into a conversation about how you can't trust the government to tell you the truth. Well, ha ha you close-minded fucks. Vindication is mine and as long as you never read these words you'll never know! HA HA! Small victories rule, even if they are entirely of your own making.

F-F-F-F-F-Fuck Ronald Reagan. He fucked up last week by dying and then every-body jacks off about his "legacy" then some mu'fuckah gives federal employees the day off on Friday and I get no mail. Then me and my roommate are talkin' about how we haven't got a new Playboy (or rather, he, hasn't recieved a new issue) yet and I'm like "man, that issue would have come today if it wasn't for Fuckin Reagan...even in death he screws me. Lousy bastard." The next day we got the mail, we had the latest issue of Playboy. So now you understand why up until recently I've been gnawing on doorways. It's okay now though. Oh, and I have drawn an individual Reagen face on each sheet of my toilet paper so...well, I don't have to explain. Pucker up to the puckering poop-shoot Ronny!

I'm gonna return to blogging at work, as evidenced by this post from home on the Mac. No spell check, no link button, no bold button, nothing. And I am not typing in html code all night just to give you something to click on. I love ya'll but damn. That one link took me five-minutes! I'm a man of the new millenium, and I want my links RIGHT NOW. Okay, back tommorrow, fo'sure. Gotta mandatory meeting that's gonna drag my ass to work EARLY so I'm gonna goof off, get paid and blog.
I'm out.

*BAMF!*

2004-06-06T15:16:00.000-05:00

I'm a Little Late But...

I am in the grips of Spring Madness right now. My brain is a cesspool of testosterone due to the fact that I am absolutely crazy about women right now. Now I understand what all these other males have been talkin' about for years. I think that my 6 year drought might be coming to an end pretty soon as I'm getting dangerously close to letting my dating criteria vanish in a cloud of endo smoke. It's gettin' crazy in the brain region these days as if my biological imperative to sew my seed has somehow hijacked my inner-monologue. Now days instead of thinking of what I want to smoke, all I can think about is how I want some lady to smoke the pole. Sheesh. I first noticed it on Friday walking home from work as I blew yet another opportunity to talk to some lady I'm interested in. Because no matter how sex-crazed I get it still doesn't matter because it is much easier to be shy than to put yourself out there. I think I need to work on my testicular fortitude or something. 'Cause all I can think about is girls. All this weekend I'm like trying to analyze each little movement, encounter, etc. etc.
*Sigh*I feel like a little girl cuz I got a crush. Man, what a fucking geek.
Awwww. Little Chiseven is growing up.

Yep. And it is hilarious to find myself at work thinkin about some proposal or draft or something and then I just find myself drifting into some school-boy crush on whatever lady is on my mind at the time. It even happens when mu'fuckhas be talkin' to me too and I'm usually a pretty attentive conversationalist. I feel like I'm 14 years old for the first time again. But the thing that cracks me up about all this shit is that I don't have like sexual fantasies or anything, they're all about just kickin' with a lady, walkin'around, having' nice conversations, etc.
What am I, a repressed housewife or what? I feel like Elmo from Sesame Street when he first discovered his erection (oh you didn't see that one? It was great, he thought it was a firehose). GAH! When I'm at work, though, I can't be lettin' these instinctual urges drive my behavior or I wouldn't be gettin anything done, so I have found my favorite remedy to the cold shower when unavailable: Let's get limp.
Oh god. Brrrrrrrr. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah...Reagan.

Reagan dies and I win $200 dollars from my death-pool because he was the first one on my list to die this year. And he's been on that list for quite sometime. You're next, Pope John Paul.
But seriously, I was chillin' at the crib yesterday thinkin' about the ladies when all of the sudden I heard a huge "WOO-HOO" simultaneously from the vincinity of Creve Coeur, MO and from most of South America. It was then I knew that the Gipper had turned out the lights. I agree with Byron Crawford that Reagan's death is a cause for celebration. I just wish it wasn't Sunday now because I can't get any booze to celebrate until Monday. Fuck Indiana! Get drunk and go to church. I know I won't.

Okay, I'm hungry. Gonna eat now. Until next post.

*BAMF!*